A humbling moment

Just so you know, I do not have the best rhythm sense in the world...in fact, far from it...but rest assured, I've been working on it with my metronome, so my timing isn't that bad...

I just to hang on to cheap trills...by working my pieces slowly...be it Liszt Hungarian Dance, or my solo lines...and going up 5-10bpm notches up, pushing myself to meet that tempo...and upon success, push it up another 10bpm notches again...till my fingers can run no more...

So I'm proud to say...that I have been able to play Beethoven's Sonata in D major, on speed...PRESTO...I love it...I feel the drama within...the intensity build and enhance by speed...the sudden mood changes...chord changes...inter-locking of different ideas...I would play it through and through, even when I'm not in my practice room...I could play it in my head...

Even for my solo licks...as an exercise, I use to transcribe licks after licks of Oscar Peterson...and have been playing them by memory...hehe...if I could boast so much...I can even play them in 12 keys!!!...

Then came the ego deflation mode...when my piano teacher asked me to work on the metronome again...but this time...from a fast speed, to a slow one...apparently, the touch of my fingers on the keys...and the sound that is produced...are only on the 'surface'...as I was 'fleeting' through the keys...so I've got to go back to square one, and work on my touch...

Talk about a slap on the face...and what is worse...I found that it was the ULTIMATE test of patience and endurance!!!...my fingers itch to place themselves in the speed they found themselves to be comfortable with...and the neurotic workings of my brain was struggling to put them in order!!...time seems to pass by so much slower...I can even feel my heart rate slowing down...and I struggled to concentrate...

I now realized that it wasn't me that was playing the fast speeds before...it was my body and brain, that was already on an auto mode...triggering notes after notes on its own, by memory...having to slow it 3 gears down, brought me to the manual mode, where I finally noticed...how rough I sounded before...the many tumbles that I have chosen to ignore...expressions that I have failed to note...

As I sit here, writing and sharing about it...it becomes all the more humbling...I am considering if I should start a piano practice journal...I realize that I am getting in touch with my feelings, and how I am responding to each practices...but man, to maintain 3 practice journals (classical piano, jazz piano and violin)...and a blog as well...is just almost impossible...not forgetting the fact that I am working and studying full time as well...

Ah, I will just post it up here when I can...

Still A Lot to Learn

I am in my twenties now...no prize for guessing my age, alright...heesh...

Some people may choose to call it the early-life crisis or Abby Wilner and Alexandra Robbins would call ...the Quarter Life Crisis...and here are my two pence thought on what I have learn through my own personal journey so far...

• My thinking has changed DRASTICALLY...for some reason I will never understand...in my secondary years, I used to enjoy being popular...having large group of friends...taking up major responsibilities...even up to Form 6...I was the Choir president, vice-president of the Christian Fellowship society, Secretary of my sports house, Vice-president of the Music and Drama society, all in one go...while handling my final STPM...which is equivalent to a matriculation...But now, I'm emotionally tired many times, just trying to juggle my personal life...long gone were the days, where I could survive on 2-3 hours sleep a day...and still go about the next day, all perky and energetic...I wonder where all these vigorous stamina has gone to...at the moment, I am contented just being my quiet self, and catching up with my good friends over a cup of coffee...I am more at peace with myself now, even though that means that I am not as sociable as I was and can be a hermit crab at times...I used to feel an ache gnawing inside me...and I always pondered about it..I've got the answer now...Even though I've had all the attention that I could get in my secondary days, I have come to realize that I actually long for some privacy...for still waters, so that I can better sort out my thoughts...

• Some things are no longer in black and white...things that I have professed to believe in, I now question (Please note : I question only...that does not mean that I'm turning my face against it)...The Bible is one...my core values are another...they change from situation to situation...and to be frank, there are so many times, that I'd rather not think about it...I am afraid that I may not like what I discover...

• I think I am beginning to understand myself better...though half the time, I am still confused with what I want...years back, and even now...I would have given my all for a friend, if he/she accepts it...it is only recently, though...that I am learning to put my foot down in some situations...for the sake of friendship, patience; I have plenty...for them, I will stretch it even if it hurts me...but there will be a time when enough is enough...if it is starting to hurt me so much, that it affects my daily thoughts, I will have to fall back...I have learn that you need not agree with everything your friend does...after all, it is the act that you disagree with, not your friend...

• I realized that it is no more a friend-for-friend world out there...there is no unsaid pact or agreement that we will watch out for each other's back as in the younger days...its a rats world out there...and I discover that though new friends are great...it is the old friends that are amazing...if any of your old friends out there, still keeps in touch with you, even on an occasional basis...that is one gem you should keep...for he/she is able to forgo all past wrongs, and still think you are worth contacting...

• I have a full time job teaching music now...and though I find it fulfilling to be able to help students in that way, I find myself yearning for more...but I've learn that no longer will you stand to get achievements, just because your friends vote you in...here, I have got to start at rock bottom...and search for my way through...I may not have my dream job right now...but that does not mean that I will not have it in years to come...its just that I am now on my own...and I have to work my way up, just like anyone else...

• As I am beginning to understand myself, my opinions are sculpted...on friendships, on my boundaries, my values, etc...I am harder on myself now more than ever...harsher in terms of judgment, and always pushing my goals higher...though sometimes I have to admit I lack the motivation to achieve it (thanks to the Voice of Doom)...notice that I said 'my opinions are sculpted'...that does not mean that it does not waiver...I feel confident about myself at one second, and insecure the next...I do not want to re-strict my boyfriend, when it comes to girls, yet I feel a twitch of insecurity, when he is approached by one...I yearn for hardships, as I know it builds character...yet when I am going through one, I am wishing for it to end...I do not like the current government yet, I feel that Anwar Ibrahim taking the place of a Prime Minister of Malaysia, seems like a bad idea too...I confuse myself at times...

• I consider myself a late bloomer...I entered college at the age when all my ex-classmates have already graduated and is looking for a job...I guess, in a way, I feel left behind...I took to Classical Music after my Form 6...and was forced to do a long jump, from a Grade 4 to Diploma, in one year and half...that is pretty scary, cause the last time I ever played a classical piece, was 9 years back...I got my LTCL Diploma, but somehow, I could never shake off the fact that I am 9 years behind everyone else in college...and I have got so much to catch up...

• So, yes...I am competitive, to a certain extend...at least, I do not have ill intention whatsoever towards anyone...I just want to catch up, and be the best I can...and no, I will not go through any dirty ways such as back-biting, apple-polishing and wat nots...it will have to be pure hard work...and if anything, I wish that we can grow together, instead of against each other...

• As much as I would love to boast that I am finally financially independent, and no longer hooking onto my dad (which at the moment I am)...I have got to be frank, and confess that there are oh-so-many-times (I've lost count already)...where I wish I could just hold out my hand, and money will be handed to me on a silver plate...I could do that now, of course...take a loan or something...ah, but daddy's loan contract never states that you have to return the money at a certain time, or even at all!!...*grin*...

• I have learn that it is okay to feel like crap some times...everyone has their days...and today happens to be mine...it is okay to throw myself a self-pity party as long as I learn to move on...and crying are NOT for losers only...I believe that crying is an recognition of how much I have truly cared...I cared so much that it hurts...and it is a living proof that I am not a machine after all...

• I miss the comfort of being under the canopy of my parents and ex-school mates...people tend to be less forgiving out here...for all the extra classes/time that you have given to your students, not a word of appreciation..but should you ever delay replacing a class for them (because you could not find a suitable time), parents will make your life a living hell...

And you think being a teenager is confusing...

I'm scared...

I am saying this aloud for the very first time...I have always pent it up within me, assuring that it is my naive self that is being paranoid...but hell, this is my blog...so sue me...I am just trying to practice my freedom of speech...there has been bloggers who have been arrested for speaking against the country...honestly, 'speaking against' is quite subjective...if the post by the bloggers are not supported by facts, they are blasphemous...but these posts are being supported, by true chronicles and witnesses...we are just merely voicing our dissatisfaction with the government...I would not consider that 'speaking against'...it is just sharing the truth...

*sigh*...anyways, if you see my name on the newspapers for such arrest, you will know why...

Anyway, that isn't the point....Please note too, that I am just merely commenting as an observer, who probably does not get the whole picture, as I am just reading sources from the newspaper (which is government-controlled) and some internet links (which many are also government-controlled, though I'm not sure which one...)...

I read snippets of news and I'm scared...I wonder if any Malaysians feels the same...You can smell and feel tension in the air...so much so, at times it suffocates me...It seems now, more often than before...that not a day passes by, without serious political events happening...some events also highlight racial issues...which, as a Chinese citizen, I fear for myself...my family...and the people who are non-Malays...

For these past few decade, since the independence, Malays have claimed supremacy and dominance over the country, and through the Malaysian New Economic Policy have claimed many tangible economy benefits. A few benefits that I can think off my head are :

• 5-15% discount for Malay citizens when it comes to purchasing lands and houses...
• All private business must meet the quota of having 30% Malay workers, to be given a license...
• Private businesses must offer a Malay a certain percentage of partnership, for easier approval of projects by the government...
• 95% of government projects are given to Malay croonies, which they are then distributed to sub-contractors, who will hire Chinese workers for the labour...but nah, we are too smart to know where all the REAL money goes to...
• All fast food joints, and banks are bought over by government, and allowed to be dominated by Malays...well, except for one bank...

and many more...

The political ground is shaky...Chinese and the Indians are getting frustrated...as the benefit list for 'Malay supremacy' grows...The elections have proved it...Chinese people, are now strong in spirit, though very much lacking in numbers...they are the pillar of Malaysia's economy, and they are no longer afraid...they are getting braver by the day...and so are the Indians...

My concern is this...so what if the Opposition is strong...Barisan Nasional is slowly breaking apart, under our very eyes...her members try to stand strong...but is faltering...there are too many loop holes, that are uncovered...too much leakage...especially when their strongest opponent, Ex-Prime Minister Tun Mahathir is playing his cards right...my question is, what will happen to us Chinese and Indians when the current government is over-thrown?...

So, yes...we are now free from the dictatorship of Tun Mahathir...we are now in the hands of a more liberal ruling by Prime Minister Abdullah Badawi...it really breaks my heart to say this...but it is my opinion that this third world mentality of the country (the spoon-feeding/"serve me first" attitude), is just not ready to handle liberalism...As much as I do not agree with many of Prime Minister Abdullah's policies, I feel very much for him...he is caught in between...practicing modern thoughts and risk the country turning upside-down (it is happening now)...or practice dictatorship and suppress freedom in exchange for peace (as of Tun Mahathir)...

Now, the Opposition is strong enough...and by the looks of it...if things continue to be this messy, the Opposition may take control completely by the next election (5 years from now)...but are the Chinese aware that the Opposition are also dominated by Malays...Yes, one might argue, that the rule of the Opposition can't be as bad, as what is happening right now...but can people look beyond Anwar's enthusiastic promises and engaging speeches?...If one were to follow Anwar's history properly, he has been involved in every Islam society possible...even in his speeches, he has declared his intentions for the New Economic Policy to be revised, so that there should be a higher quota for unit housings and stock market that should be met, for the Malays...

Has Anwar mentioned anything about standing up for the Chinese and Indians, pray tell?...as far as I know, there is none...and yes, though we may be the pillar of economy for Malaysia...but what makes one think that some idiot of a Malay politician should decide that we should be stripped of our citizenship, and should only be allowed to work by visa only? (Please note that I am thinking of the worst possible senarios, though this is unlikely to happen)...China have made it clear that they will not accept us back, since we have officially migrated...where will we go?...If we offend the Malays, do you not think that there is a possibility that they may try to make our life harder, by say...raising petrol prices for us, but less for themselves?...

Yet, with complete honesty...I do not have any better suggestions to put forward...I just feel as if we are moving too fast, when it comes to protesting and making our views known...I feel as if we are jumping from a heated pan, into the fire...having to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea...both options can cause us a lot of pain...anguish...and I feel helpless, seeing my beloved country falling apart...there does not seem to be security anywhere anymore...

I feel as if the political situation in Malaysia, is like a land mine...it is so fragile, that one wrong move, and the world blows up in front of you...And should a racial war arise in these couple of months...I would not be at all surprised...

So, am I scared?...You can bet the Malaysia's National Reserve fund, that I am...you should too, if you are a citizen residing in Malaysia...in fact, I am so scared that it ain't funny anymore...

I probably should think of migrating...and get my family out of here...Australia, maybe., I don't know..that is the closest and cheapest route, to a more politically stable country, I think...

p/s : my apologies if some may find it offensive...I will review this post again, once I have re-collected my thoughts...I am not kidding, when I tell you I'm scared...my fingers are clammy even as I type...my heart is beating at a fast rate...so I may not be able to think as clearly as I wish to...

A Bleak Hope

• Barisan National...the party that has been forming the government of Malaysia since the independence day, has lost the election for the first time, this year...and the Opposition party managed to take hold of more than 5 states out of 14...
  
• Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak was found connected to the murder and bombing of a Mongolian girl...
• A no-confidence motion against Prime Minister Abdullah Badawi by party SAPP, will most probably materialize...
• Ex-Prime Minister Tun Mahathir Muhammad, has resigned from UMNO (the main Malay party), with a conditional come-back that current Prime Minister Abdullah Badawi steps down from his post...
• Many Barisan National followed Tun Mahathir's foot-steps, and a handful of them was invited to join the opposition...
• Fuel and electricity price has increased just the past week, and is predicted to rise again, at the end of this year...
• There is no communication between the Sultans of states, and the current Prime Minister Abdullah Badawi, as the Sultan overights the hand-picked state representative of Prime Minister...

As much as I appreciate the non-dictatorship of Prime Minsiter Abdullah compared to Tun Mahathir, I am really starting to wonder if our society is able to handle such political reformation...

Adrenaline Rush

It has been 8 long years, since I have touched it...because of my previous addiction, that caused so much strain between me and my mom...my finance and me...

It was thanks for my boyfriend's persuasion, that I got hooked on it again...well, not as bad as before (4-5 hours play time then)...but still, the adrenaline rush is undeniable...I have got to confess my shooting and manuvering skills have declined drastically...but that is what you get from an 8 year fast...

I have just discovered that I am a better sniper than I am man to man combat...my little response nerves, get a stand still when I'm excited...and I end up pressing the wrong buttons...more often than never (in fact all the time), I end up getting shot point blank, or my head get wiped off by some stupid son-of-a-bitch...

My boyfriend had good entertainment out of me for these couple of days...and I don't blame him...I mean, who wouldn't...especially when they see a young talent, but extremely raw...press in wrong radio responses at the wrong time...When the team is in distress, there is an idiot that continually says "Roger that! Affirmative!"...who wants to listen to that kind of crap?...Frankly, I would have shot myself in the head for being so darn annoying, when everybody else was trying to cover one another...save my enemies the trouble...

There was also another time, when there was so many enemies, against one tiny me...that I scrambled with the keys, and messed up my radio responses...While enduring all the bullet shots, you can hear me calling "Follow me(s)!" "Fire in the hole(s)" "Enemy spotted"...I mean, what the h*ll!!!...Why should I need anyone to 'follow me' to my death?...'Fire in the hole'???...What fire?...Heck, I don't have even have any smoke-bombs to my name!!...'Enemy spotted'??...Who can't tell that by the multiple shootings that can be heard a mile away??...Heesh...I press all the unnecessary radio responses, instead of getting the right "Need back-up" call...of course, the rate the enemies are going at me, graining at my blessed skull, I'll be long in heaven having a coffee break with St. Peter before my mates come to my aid...

Note to self : need to improve on radio responses. Don't mess up too much. If I do, my terrorist mates will just get confused.

Ah, Counter-Strike...an old game...but addictive none-the-less...give me some time, I will move up to Team Fortress soon enough...when I get my radio responses right, that is...if not, I will have my own team mates, voting to have me eliminated!!...probably opt out for an AK-47 to blow my head right off, you'd never know!!

Beyond Narccissism

So, everybody has their tale to tell...everyone has a story to share...as for me, I was not exactly enthusiastic and elated with the idea of of a guy/lady poking their watchamacalit stuff into my teeth and gums...gets my body all tensed up, and I have visions of the devil with his fork, laughing at me while I will myself to my doom...

It wasn't MY idea, that I got braces years ago...in fact, as far as the orthodontist was concern, I only had ONE crooked teeth on the front...and I felt that it was not worth all the pain, the insane amount of money, the restriction to liquid food...but it seems enough a reason for my dad...I don't know what went through his mind...but he seemed to have this paranoia, of not being to marry me off one day..."Eh girl (his pet name for me, apparently), you'd better get your teeth done. If not I will be stuck having to support you for my whole life!!"...Yea, that was sooooooo encouraging, dad...I owe you one there...

It was four years since I took out my braces...and I NEVER wore the retainer...I felt too ecstatic, feeling the freedom around my gums, not suppressed by anything metalic...in fact, I loved this feeling so much, I never looked back...until yesterday...

By now, I think you should know that orthodontist and I do not really have a fate together...I avoid them like plague...especially when they are having in their hands that pointy little metal bugger that throbes at your teeth ever so often...I shiver, just listening to them drill something onto a poor soul's teeth...this torture that haunts you every half a year...I have successfully avoided them for 8 half years...

I decided it was high time, I did scaling...If anyone does not know what that is...scaling, is the removing of extra plaque, tartar and calculus, that is still sticking onto one's teeth...In that process, the orthodontist commented that she has discovered a hole, which needs filling...and my old fillings were wearing out, so I would have to 'renew' them...and worst of all, due to NOT wearing a retainer for these four years, my teeth has shifted position SLIGHTLY...and adviced that if I would still want the teeth that I once had, I would have to stick to my retainer 26 hours a day...

I don't know which is more painful...sticking to my retainer like glue to reposition my teeth, or having my unlucky kids laugh at me for my crooked teeth...

I think I prefer to stick with the retainer...*sigh*...things we do for the love of beauty...

I have an appointment with the orthodontist again next week...to do some re-fillings, and to fix my retainer...yea, I surprised myself sometimes...but my mum would be jumping with joy on her bed right now...it used to be that she had to bribe/pay me to put a foot in the dentist's office...

Too Much Information

This tag thingy is obviously getting out of hand...these are 'getting to know me more' type of 'questionaire'...and I do not know anything that readers would want to know less of...but anyway, here goes :-

Instructions: Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?
Do I have to answer this dreaded question??...Ok, so its my guess that I won't be getting married anytime soon...so probably in my 30's...and if I'm not married by then, I'll probably drag the first hobo I can find and do it Las Vegas style...

2. Where will you go if someone sponsors you a tour ticket?
If someone buys me a tour ticket, it will be a 'Round-the-world' tour, of course...yes, that is greed taking over...and I have no shame...

3. If you could have one word that’ll describe your mood right now, what would it be?
Excited...Nothing beats the adrenaline rush, of getting to play Counter-Strike again (after a freaking 8 year fast...just hope I don't get that addicted again)...and killing the baddies...so what if I died a million times...I am practising!!...

4. Do you think money can buy happiness?
Hmmm...tough question...so, yes...without money, we wouldn't be able to purchase our dream home, go on vacations...which will somehow play a role in nurturing happiness...but so what if we can purchase all these but have no love??...Can I stand in between for this question??

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
*in a cute, baby voice*...I wish for World peace...BLEH!!!...nah, that is too 'beauty pageant' talk...as un-patriotic as I may sound in my other post, I would actually wish that Malaysian society will come out of its 'third-world' mentality...and no more spoon-feeding...at least, that would make my job as a music teacher so much enjoyable...

6. Do you believe you can survive without money?
Are you kidding me??...Everything that we are dependent on, is purchased by money...so you tell me, is ANYONE able to survive without money?

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
My family and friends. And of course, my laptop, my fingers (literally my bread&butter), my storybooks, my music books, my DVDs, my CDs, my comics…

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Demand that my parents stop working...and enjoy the 'harvest!'...get myself a complete set of Roland keys, and mixing equipments...Buy over UCSI, and detonate it!!!...

9. How would you describe the person u like *at the moment*?
Goofy when time calls for it...which makes me laugh...at other times, a great and caring boyfriend...wouldn't ask for more...*grin*...

10. What are the requirements that you wish from the other half?
Man, will this be long...

• definitely not scrawny...nor lighter than me in weight...
• enjoys a debate/discussion or two
• respects my parents...and me...
• respects what I believe in...he need not agree...that's okay...but don't brush me aside either...
• treats me special...xD
• flexible ego...
• not sexist...
• Optimistic...to balance the pessimistic part of me...
  

11. If you could rewind time would you?
Who wouldn't??...I'd fix me a lot then...

12. What’s your ambition?
Bull-doze Malaysian's politicians down, boost up culture aware-ness, control the world and the world economy ala Adolf Hitler and President Mao...

13. Are you emotional?
You can bet on it!!...when it happens, I go the extreme...if not, I am as if emotionally castrated...

14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
To be at peace with myself...

15. If you could undo doing one mistake in the past, what would it be?
*groan*...just ONE??...I would love and forgive myself more...but at the moment, the one mistake I wish to undo...is to NOT participate in this tag...

16. If you have a chance, which part of your character would you like to change?
Thinking too much...worrying about things that do not deserve my attention...and closing an eye on things that need my attention most...

17. What is the one thing you cannot do but you wish you could?
Speak in public...socialize...I am happy just staying at home with my good friends...but that ain't good...I am limiting myself to endless knowledge...

18. Why are you feeling like this?
Like what?...is this a following question from Question #17?...well, first of all...I am taking a break...I have received many blows of disappointment when it came to friendship issues...I guess in a way, I am trying to protect myself from anymore hurts...yet, in this mode of withdrawal, I have also learn to appreciate my space and treasure it...

19. LINA'S QUESTION: Why am I not asleep?
Erm, it is just closing 10am at night...like Lina would say...we musicians have just started our day...Good morning, everyone!!...besides, 10am sleeping hour are for babies...

20. MY TURN: Do you know how to operate Sibelius software?
Cz I don't...and I have this dumb mid-term assignment that I have to pass up...and I can't find the button that allows me to do drum notations!!...and I need help!!...*google searches "Sibelius software, Urgent Help"*

I have decided to refrain from tagging anyone, less I :
a) get savagely beaten up;
b) get killed;
c) am cruelly tagged by a revenged tagger...and we wouldn't want that now, would we?

But if she would so kindly answer Question #20, when she is free, I would be most grateful...but as for others, feel free to 'be tagged' by me...if you so happen to be running out of topics to post in your blog...*grin*

You Make Me Sick

Things just gets so darn annoying the minute your immune system back-fires...I have been nursing a mild flu, and an agonizing headache for the past few days...hence, my disappearing act from this blog...

Your nose gets all clogged up, and your eyes are watery...your back is slightly sweaty (mild fever, I suppose)...and worst of all, you fight nature's call, that insist you rest...of course, add it all up, it just makes you a little more than irritated...and a whole lot more grumpy...

Everything is in chaos now...not to mentioned that some of my students are being real idiots at the moment...like I have said before, and I will say it now...two weeks break from a piano is never good for a musician/student/child...and I stand by my beliefs till now...a student of mine have proved to have shrunk his brain to pea size, watching DVDs for 14 days...an ace student of mine, can now barely count...

The word 'frustrated' undermines my feelings...

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By the way, just so one would understand...we piano/violin teachers make a living by teacher your children. If we were to entertain your request of 'stopping lessons' for a month, just because our studio is having a school break, and there isn't classes for two weeks...and you took out your pewny calculator and concluded that it is not worth it to pay this month's piano fees...we teachers would have been short of a certain amount of money in terms of salary...imagine if we were to entertain every parent (I have more than 35 students, btw)...I would not have a pay check this month and would be starving by now...and with the petrol prices increasing, I would have to survive on plain water every day...that is just inhumane, wouldn't you agree??

And for those of you who don't...you make me sick...
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Have been nursing a mild depression of late...frankly speaking, I'm not sure why...I know it is something to do with the state of life that I find myself in...but I am not able to pin point what exactly...I feel a mental blockage...maybe its because I have learnt to ignore it so well, that returning to a certain memory would prove to be too painful...I feel limited...caged by the very walls I have built myself...I want to fly, but like an eagle bred in a farm, I'm behaving somewhat like a chicken...I put my mind into something, which I know I can achieve...but the very battle I struggle to fight...is my self esteem, which pulls me down...I want to break away...and for moment, I do...then comes the Voice of Doom speak into my mind again...and the Voice of Reason shrinks in fear...and I find myself thinking vulnerable thoughts...

I have been planning to do my internship in Melbourne, Australia...and so far, things are going as planned...true, it was delayed by a couple of months...but I'm okay with that...I am willing to wait, as long as it means taking me to another country, that I may start a new chapter...learn of other cultures...

I have been behaving like a kid these days...sulking, and unsure of myself...I can't keep that up though...I wonder where all my optimism has disappeared to...

My boyfriend will be leaving for Tasmania to further his studies in 2 weeks time...I am missing him, even before he leaves...damn it...that may have added to my 'kiddish' behaviour too...

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I have a question; which I have thought about but never could come to a conclusion :-

'If God has given us the freedom of choice...then where does DESTINY comes in?'

Unvoluntarily Tagged

Just because this bugger is my friend...and I owe her a HUGE favour...I shall forgive her for taking my life apart, by tagging me...and shall fulfill her request...

The rules are:
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves
3. At the end of the post the player than tags 5 people and posts their names, than goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they done got tagged and to ask them to play and read your blog.

What was I doing 10 years ago (1998)?
1) trying to figure out my sexuality...yes, I was such a tom-boy, there are people (who shall remain anonymous) have asked me time and time again, if I was a lesbian...and yes, it is confirmed that I am a heterosexual...my mum was glad to know...if not, she would have screamed Bloody Mary..
2) playing truant in school..
3) ringing people's doorbell...and running away before they answer the door...so what, you have your naughty moments too...
4) screaming Backstreet Boys...man, was I immature!!...
5) practicing rebellious-ness, and driving my mum nuts...

5 Things on my to-do list today
1) survive an hour and half of boring lecture...
2) survive my blardy students who will most probably not have done a single assignment throughout the two week break...
3) resist the temptation of tearing my hair out while doing my compositions and arrangements...I am balding now, which is not a good sign...thank God for my thick hair...
4) Fill my car up...my baby is thirsty...
5) wash my hair...

5 Snacks I enjoy
1) Cachos with thousand island dressing
2) paper sea-weeds
3) tooth-decaying, and weight gaining marshmallows...
4) DARK BELGIUM chocs...
5) sugar-coated Oreos with dumped in fresh milk...

5 Things I would do if I were a multi-billionaire
1) Hire a mafia to eliminate carcasses, namely Baby Vellu
2) Buy an island and retire there...
3) Buy the Federal Bank Reserve, and become a multi-zillionaire...
4) I'd get myself G3-/SG-1 Sniper Rifle and finish off Vellu myself...save mafias the trouble...
5) Purchase a Stradivarius violin and a Steinway Grand...which if I did, I would not have the money to execute any of the above...

5 of my bad habits
1) keeping lose change...my heavy pocket full of coins, is weighing my pants down...
2) doggy-ear my books...
3) workaholic extreme...
4) switching off snooze buttons and not waking up...the sleeping beast that I am...
5) checking for cellulites...

5 places I have lived in:
1) Paradise Bay Hotel, Penang
2) Toyota Corona 1.6 (1982), Number Plate :WAS2754
3) University practice rooms
4) 10, Persiaran Bandar Baru Tambun
5) National Library

5 people I tag:
Anyone who is as insane as I am, to be doing a tag at this ungodly hour...

Paycut

The highest price increase of the decade...our beloved government has decided to pull up the price of our petrol, by a freakin 78 cents...hence, petrol now can be bought at RM2.70 per litre, instead of the usual RM1.92...

This is part of their fuel subsidy plan, so they say...

But while they decide to do this, may I suggest the following...

1) Repair and improve public transportation system, BEFORE raising the bar by 40%...instead of 'planning to fix public transport using the funds that comes from the hike'...(NOTE : "planning" only)...

2) Get every employer to raise our salary by 40%, to accommodate fuel hike, which like dominoes, will inevitably cause price increase in food, groceries, etc...I for one, am up to my neck settling bills...

AND while they're at it, there are a couple of things to work on as well...

1) STOP sending UMNO 'visitors' to space...we can't afford it...

2) STOP building luxurious buildings just to impress...many architecture are now sitting as white elephants...damn it!!!

3) STOP buying military air-crafts, fighter jets, submarines and NURI helicopters...does it look like we are going to war at any time??...we are on war alright...economical war, that is!!!...

Thanks to this price increase, my car is pressing me for more money, than my stomach is!!!...

Dear Diary

Today was great...A-MA-ZING...I took my car out for a date today...just a couple of days back, I treated Toyota Corona 1.6 with 13 litres of petrol, which I happily spend RM30...I had economy rice, which was only RM2.20...but that is ok...my darling Toyota comes first anyway...

In return, Toyota took me for a couple of trips to college and back...wow...such great fun!!...And in the for every of these trips, I had to part with RM4 for both parking ticket and toll each time...but ah, such exhilaration...why not??...I have plenty of money to spare...

I will need to treat Toyota again for another hefty meal...this time, for the same 13 litres of petrol, it will probably cost me RM45, and extra RM15 from the usual...

But am I bothered?...well, so I may have to live on plain water alone from now on...I will most probably have to chew on grass for vitamins...and sand to brush my teeth...wipe my butt with banana tree leaves...

But it is okay...

After all...whatever is best for my darling Toyota is good enough for me...

Almost dying,
Lessajinomoto

One Chapter Closes

So...I'm done with my graduation recital...leaving me with one more class to go (re-sitting for a class that I failed due to attendance)...and a deferred internship...

I sense a fuzzy feeling of nostalgia...fear and confusion altogether...I wonder why that is...on one hand, I'm glad I'm over and done with college...I've had many unpleasant experiences that I'd rather forget and not remember...but I have got to admit that there are many memories that I will truly treasure...close friends, for example...who stood by me through hard times...

I have got to admit that part of me is happy and excited that I am closing this chapter of my life, leaving this place of confinement, where I can start exploring and discovering more of who I am...instead of being stifled and limited by these four walls...I hate facing the politics that exist in colleges...even among friends...but I guess I will be expecting that in the working world...just in another form of politics...but politics nevertheless...

This idea of now being literally thrown into the open sea is finally hitting me...why, just two months ago, although I am proud to say that I have tried to stay financially independent...in my heart, I know that if I am ever out of cash, my dad would be a phone call away...if there are classes I have failed, there are always supplementary papers...or even classes to re-take...fall back plans...

But now, I'm feeling scared...I am suppose to apply all that I have learn throughout my life, and hopefully apply them in my work...I am no longer protected...no longer in a place where fall backs are possible...every inch of my survivor skills will be tested...my core beliefs and values...and if I will compromise on them or not...

Bills, commitments, and more responsibilities...I'm afraid that I may not be able to cope with it...I love the freedom that comes with it, of course...but there are many things that limit this freedom of mine...which I'm not sure I am ready to take...the stakes are higher...punishment more severe...people more unforgiving...like some says, it is a back-biting world after all...It just makes me feel more vulnerable, somehow...

As stupid as it may sound, there are many times I feel like a fraud...there are times I question my capabilities...A lecturer once told me, that when I really give my all to playing the piano, music flows...I am starting to question the validity of his statement...there are so many times, more often than not, that I don't feel as if I deserve the acknowledgment...cause I know, that I'm short-changing myself...to a certain extend, I've cheated on myself...relying on playing by ear, and scraping through exams...that isn't success...but those friends that envy me...seems to think so...

It is hard to close one chapter and start another...hard to leave the comfort zone and into the battle field...and believe it or not, I am actually wishing that time need not pass by so fast...

You'd gotta be kidding me...

It is school break today...as workaholic as I am, I welcomed this break with opened arms...I needed to talk to adults for a change, after all the kids talk I've done for the past few months...

My boyfriend and I dropped by KLCC for an hour or so, to pick up some tickets from the Malaysian Philharmonic box office...when I realized 'my aunty' came to visit...thanks God...you have no idea what was going through my head for this past week, as this 'aunty' of mine was 2 weeks and 5 days BEHIND schedule...another 2 more days of absence, I would have hit the roof and freaked out...

As anxious as I was, I've got to admit that I didn't come prepared...hey, cut me some slack, will ya...this 'lady' misses the train for almost 3 weeks...I have received no symptoms nor signs/hints of her coming...no bloating, no violent, dark hormonal forces,cramps, nil...

So I quickly visited the Guardian pharmacy and glanced through the vast choices of sanitary napkins...I usually go for Whisper, as that brand offers the best night security ever...35 cm long, with 'wings'...security and comfort, satisfaction guaranteed and sealed in a package...but alas, this was also one of the brands that was and still is the costliest...and being the old grub that I am, I scanned through the shelf for a cheaper option...and WALLA, there it was...at RM3.80 for 10 slim sanitary napkins...was the brand name; Always...

But at closer observation, I had to snort with laughter, and place it back...beneath the brand name; Always...was these words..."Have a HAPPY period!!"...

Are you freaking kidding me??...which lady, pray tell...can actually claim that they breeze through this time of the month, with smiles and joy...waltzing down the green meadows with no cares in the world??...as far as I know, many women out there are having cramps so painful, that it takes up all their mental strength to refrain from gnawing inside their body and ripping their uterus out!!...Others, have to entertain this hormone dysfunction, of turning into Incredible Hulk within seconds...tell me, is there anything that a women goes through during her 'aunty visit' that is in the LEAST, enjoyable??...

Well, I am not one to complain much...I am one of the lucky ones, whom this 'aunty' does not harrass too much...she finishes her business with me, in 3 days at maximum...sometimes, 2 days...I'm not sure if that is good news or not...No cramps for me...just a dull ache at times, and tiredness at others...but I'll be damned...I saw so many of my gal friends, hugging themselves in a corner, and gulping in aspirin pills for dear life!!...I'm sure many gals would agree with me on this...

So...."have a HAPPY period"??...I'd say that "Have a CRAPPY period" is more like it...

My thoughts, at exactly 10:00pm

• why do some people allow the 'blogging meter' to rate their success of their bloggings?...I really do not think that one should let this 'long list of subscribers' trend get into them, lest anyone should think that their journal is crap...of course, I write to share my thoughts too...and there are many times I edit like crazy...so what if I don't meet some high exquisite requirements of another realm...it doesn't matter...
  
• why God allowed the Bible to be written in such a way that, there are just one too many interpretation to trust...and thus, creating tension around the Christian community...I feel discouraged...and disappointed...fellow-men using the name of RELIGION to start a war...
• this guilt-trip of not having catch up with my college mates is driving me nuts...yet, business at work does not allow me the time...even if it does, extreme fatigue takes over
• I can't believe I'm still hungry now...I just ate a plate of rice, just over an hour and half ago...
• my boyfriend is being really sweet...hehe...he patiently endured me applying make-up on him...just for fun!!...haha...and he humoured me by allowing me to take photo-shots of him too!!!...but those photos are mine for safe-keeping...*grin*...
• a big political undercurrent is happening in Malaysia, I just hope it doesn't cause an overthrow of government...