So...I'm done with my graduation recital...leaving me with one more class to go (re-sitting for a class that I failed due to attendance)...and a deferred internship...
I sense a fuzzy feeling of nostalgia...fear and confusion altogether...I wonder why that is...on one hand, I'm glad I'm over and done with college...I've had many unpleasant experiences that I'd rather forget and not remember...but I have got to admit that there are many memories that I will truly treasure...close friends, for example...who stood by me through hard times...
I have got to admit that part of me is happy and excited that I am closing this chapter of my life, leaving this place of confinement, where I can start exploring and discovering more of who I am...instead of being stifled and limited by these four walls...I hate facing the politics that exist in colleges...even among friends...but I guess I will be expecting that in the working world...just in another form of politics...but politics nevertheless...
This idea of now being literally thrown into the open sea is finally hitting me...why, just two months ago, although I am proud to say that I have tried to stay financially independent...in my heart, I know that if I am ever out of cash, my dad would be a phone call away...if there are classes I have failed, there are always supplementary papers...or even classes to re-take...fall back plans...
But now, I'm feeling scared...I am suppose to apply all that I have learn throughout my life, and hopefully apply them in my work...I am no longer protected...no longer in a place where fall backs are possible...every inch of my survivor skills will be tested...my core beliefs and values...and if I will compromise on them or not...
Bills, commitments, and more responsibilities...I'm afraid that I may not be able to cope with it...I love the freedom that comes with it, of course...but there are many things that limit this freedom of mine...which I'm not sure I am ready to take...the stakes are higher...punishment more severe...people more unforgiving...like some says, it is a back-biting world after all...It just makes me feel more vulnerable, somehow...
As stupid as it may sound, there are many times I feel like a fraud...there are times I question my capabilities...A lecturer once told me, that when I really give my all to playing the piano, music flows...I am starting to question the validity of his statement...there are so many times, more often than not, that I don't feel as if I deserve the acknowledgment...cause I know, that I'm short-changing myself...to a certain extend, I've cheated on myself...relying on playing by ear, and scraping through exams...that isn't success...but those friends that envy me...seems to think so...
It is hard to close one chapter and start another...hard to leave the comfort zone and into the battle field...and believe it or not, I am actually wishing that time need not pass by so fast...
I sense a fuzzy feeling of nostalgia...fear and confusion altogether...I wonder why that is...on one hand, I'm glad I'm over and done with college...I've had many unpleasant experiences that I'd rather forget and not remember...but I have got to admit that there are many memories that I will truly treasure...close friends, for example...who stood by me through hard times...
I have got to admit that part of me is happy and excited that I am closing this chapter of my life, leaving this place of confinement, where I can start exploring and discovering more of who I am...instead of being stifled and limited by these four walls...I hate facing the politics that exist in colleges...even among friends...but I guess I will be expecting that in the working world...just in another form of politics...but politics nevertheless...
This idea of now being literally thrown into the open sea is finally hitting me...why, just two months ago, although I am proud to say that I have tried to stay financially independent...in my heart, I know that if I am ever out of cash, my dad would be a phone call away...if there are classes I have failed, there are always supplementary papers...or even classes to re-take...fall back plans...
But now, I'm feeling scared...I am suppose to apply all that I have learn throughout my life, and hopefully apply them in my work...I am no longer protected...no longer in a place where fall backs are possible...every inch of my survivor skills will be tested...my core beliefs and values...and if I will compromise on them or not...
Bills, commitments, and more responsibilities...I'm afraid that I may not be able to cope with it...I love the freedom that comes with it, of course...but there are many things that limit this freedom of mine...which I'm not sure I am ready to take...the stakes are higher...punishment more severe...people more unforgiving...like some says, it is a back-biting world after all...It just makes me feel more vulnerable, somehow...
As stupid as it may sound, there are many times I feel like a fraud...there are times I question my capabilities...A lecturer once told me, that when I really give my all to playing the piano, music flows...I am starting to question the validity of his statement...there are so many times, more often than not, that I don't feel as if I deserve the acknowledgment...cause I know, that I'm short-changing myself...to a certain extend, I've cheated on myself...relying on playing by ear, and scraping through exams...that isn't success...but those friends that envy me...seems to think so...
It is hard to close one chapter and start another...hard to leave the comfort zone and into the battle field...and believe it or not, I am actually wishing that time need not pass by so fast...
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