Still A Lot to Learn

I am in my twenties now...no prize for guessing my age, alright...heesh...

Some people may choose to call it the early-life crisis or Abby Wilner and Alexandra Robbins would call ...the Quarter Life Crisis...and here are my two pence thought on what I have learn through my own personal journey so far...

• My thinking has changed DRASTICALLY...for some reason I will never understand...in my secondary years, I used to enjoy being popular...having large group of friends...taking up major responsibilities...even up to Form 6...I was the Choir president, vice-president of the Christian Fellowship society, Secretary of my sports house, Vice-president of the Music and Drama society, all in one go...while handling my final STPM...which is equivalent to a matriculation...But now, I'm emotionally tired many times, just trying to juggle my personal life...long gone were the days, where I could survive on 2-3 hours sleep a day...and still go about the next day, all perky and energetic...I wonder where all these vigorous stamina has gone to...at the moment, I am contented just being my quiet self, and catching up with my good friends over a cup of coffee...I am more at peace with myself now, even though that means that I am not as sociable as I was and can be a hermit crab at times...I used to feel an ache gnawing inside me...and I always pondered about it..I've got the answer now...Even though I've had all the attention that I could get in my secondary days, I have come to realize that I actually long for some privacy...for still waters, so that I can better sort out my thoughts...

• Some things are no longer in black and white...things that I have professed to believe in, I now question (Please note : I question only...that does not mean that I'm turning my face against it)...The Bible is one...my core values are another...they change from situation to situation...and to be frank, there are so many times, that I'd rather not think about it...I am afraid that I may not like what I discover...

• I think I am beginning to understand myself better...though half the time, I am still confused with what I want...years back, and even now...I would have given my all for a friend, if he/she accepts it...it is only recently, though...that I am learning to put my foot down in some situations...for the sake of friendship, patience; I have plenty...for them, I will stretch it even if it hurts me...but there will be a time when enough is enough...if it is starting to hurt me so much, that it affects my daily thoughts, I will have to fall back...I have learn that you need not agree with everything your friend does...after all, it is the act that you disagree with, not your friend...

• I realized that it is no more a friend-for-friend world out there...there is no unsaid pact or agreement that we will watch out for each other's back as in the younger days...its a rats world out there...and I discover that though new friends are great...it is the old friends that are amazing...if any of your old friends out there, still keeps in touch with you, even on an occasional basis...that is one gem you should keep...for he/she is able to forgo all past wrongs, and still think you are worth contacting...

• I have a full time job teaching music now...and though I find it fulfilling to be able to help students in that way, I find myself yearning for more...but I've learn that no longer will you stand to get achievements, just because your friends vote you in...here, I have got to start at rock bottom...and search for my way through...I may not have my dream job right now...but that does not mean that I will not have it in years to come...its just that I am now on my own...and I have to work my way up, just like anyone else...

• As I am beginning to understand myself, my opinions are sculpted...on friendships, on my boundaries, my values, etc...I am harder on myself now more than ever...harsher in terms of judgment, and always pushing my goals higher...though sometimes I have to admit I lack the motivation to achieve it (thanks to the Voice of Doom)...notice that I said 'my opinions are sculpted'...that does not mean that it does not waiver...I feel confident about myself at one second, and insecure the next...I do not want to re-strict my boyfriend, when it comes to girls, yet I feel a twitch of insecurity, when he is approached by one...I yearn for hardships, as I know it builds character...yet when I am going through one, I am wishing for it to end...I do not like the current government yet, I feel that Anwar Ibrahim taking the place of a Prime Minister of Malaysia, seems like a bad idea too...I confuse myself at times...

• I consider myself a late bloomer...I entered college at the age when all my ex-classmates have already graduated and is looking for a job...I guess, in a way, I feel left behind...I took to Classical Music after my Form 6...and was forced to do a long jump, from a Grade 4 to Diploma, in one year and half...that is pretty scary, cause the last time I ever played a classical piece, was 9 years back...I got my LTCL Diploma, but somehow, I could never shake off the fact that I am 9 years behind everyone else in college...and I have got so much to catch up...

• So, yes...I am competitive, to a certain extend...at least, I do not have ill intention whatsoever towards anyone...I just want to catch up, and be the best I can...and no, I will not go through any dirty ways such as back-biting, apple-polishing and wat nots...it will have to be pure hard work...and if anything, I wish that we can grow together, instead of against each other...

• As much as I would love to boast that I am finally financially independent, and no longer hooking onto my dad (which at the moment I am)...I have got to be frank, and confess that there are oh-so-many-times (I've lost count already)...where I wish I could just hold out my hand, and money will be handed to me on a silver plate...I could do that now, of course...take a loan or something...ah, but daddy's loan contract never states that you have to return the money at a certain time, or even at all!!...*grin*...

• I have learn that it is okay to feel like crap some times...everyone has their days...and today happens to be mine...it is okay to throw myself a self-pity party as long as I learn to move on...and crying are NOT for losers only...I believe that crying is an recognition of how much I have truly cared...I cared so much that it hurts...and it is a living proof that I am not a machine after all...

• I miss the comfort of being under the canopy of my parents and ex-school mates...people tend to be less forgiving out here...for all the extra classes/time that you have given to your students, not a word of appreciation..but should you ever delay replacing a class for them (because you could not find a suitable time), parents will make your life a living hell...

And you think being a teenager is confusing...