Parents teach...children learns...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER : The post below are just meant for laughs...it doesn't represent my parents in any way...I don't think my parents will hang me for putting this up...if I'm lucky, they'll get a good laugh out of it...if not, God have mercy...

1. Parents teach their children RELIGION .
“You better pray that my car can be fixed or else someone's gonna get hurt real bad...”...I jammed my dad's car into a side wall...back seat doors was crushed as a result...

2. Parents teach their children LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that’s why...”

3. Parents teach MORE LOGIC...
"I've had eaten more salt than you've eaten rice, how dare you question me??!!"...a Chinese saying which means that the parent have had more life experiences than the child, and we should always trust without question whatever they say/do...that's a tyrannic act, I'd think...

4. Parents teach their children FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you gotta 'blueprint' of what you're planning to study...where your funds come from?...what are you going to do after your degree?...how long will it take??...etc, etc"...when I was a fresh naive 17 year old, give me a break, will ya!!!...jeez, at that time, the only source of funds I knew was from my PapaMama foundation...

5. Parents teach their children IRONY.
“Keep crying, gal and I’ll give you something more to cry about...you see this cane??”

6. Parents teach their children about the science of OSMOSIS .
“Don't talk with your mouth full and eat your supper.”

7. Parents teach their children about CONTORTIONIST.
“Will you look at that stain on your t-shirt??...I just bleached it yesterday...”

8. Parents teach their children about STAMINA and CONCENTRATION...
“Don't even think of movin' from your chair til' you've finished those veggies and your rice...”

9. Parents teach their children about WEATHER .
“This room of yours looks as if a lightning storm, blizzard, flood, and tornado went through it...all at the same time!!!...”

10 Parents teach their children about HYPOCRISY .
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. And don’t exaggerate!”

11. Parents teach their children about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
“Man, now you're starting to sound and act like your father/mother!!”

12. Parents teach their childrenabout ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who can't afford a decent meal at home...now eat your Maggi mee...”

13. Parents teach their children about ANTICIPATION.
“Just you wait until we get home...you're gonna get the best thrashing you've ever had..”

14. Parents teach their children about RECEIVING .
“You are going to get it from me when you get home...just you wait...(refer to Nu. 13)..."

15. Parents teach their children GENETICS.
“You got that crooked nose from your father...your drama skills from your grandmother...sadly, you didn't get inherit any bargaining skills from your mother...”

16. Parents teach their children WISDOM.
“It's too complicated to explain to you now...When you get to be my age, you’ll understand...”

17. Parents teach their children about JUSTICE .
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out to be a pain just like you..."

The Empty Chair

Today is the 4th day of your passing...so far, I've been quite okay...or at least, I try to tell myself that I am...or maybe I am living in denial...and maybe that is good too...cause I know if I were to share about how I truly feel...it would have revealed my vulnerabilities and I would have succumbed to a mental break-down...

The house feels somewhat empty now that you have left...you weren't a man of many words, but your presence in our family was very much reassuring...it made my picture complete...now it bored a hole...and I am not sure if I should have it filled...or if it could be filled...the emptiness you left behind...it would be unimaginable to think that you could be replaced...

I read from the Internet that people handles grief differently...

Step-grandma has been keeping her hands busy, so to avoid thinking of you...everybody was keeping themselves busy somewhat...I have learned never to underestimate the focus and strength of an elderly woman like her!!...The memorial services ended at about 2am...so we voted that the tables should be cleared the next afternoon to be ready for the funeral service...Step-grandma lifted and stacked all the tables and chairs that very morning...and cleaned the entire house inside out!!...She said she was not able to sleep...

First gran-aunt from Penang threw a fuss when she was informed that they would not be able to drive her down to Ipoh till the 2nd day of the wake...She was shaking from shock at your news...and could not sleep nor eat that night...Your nephew finally agreed to drive her down...being weak, she could not stop her knees from buckling at the sight of your casket...She cried, saying how she would never hear you tease her about modelling in a bikini suit...man, I didn't know you were that cheeky...Dad was there to hold her, before she could collapse entirely...

I could see that your sisters loved you so much...Third gran-aunt cried bucket of tears, when they moved your casket to the living room...First gran-aunt was strong, even with much break-downs...considering that fact that she has lost her own daughter to cancer...and you...in a span of less than 4 months...she was sad, saying that the very 2 people who could make sure that she isn't sent to an old folks home has passed on...that she had nobody else to depend on...I'll see to it that it won't happen...

Haha, your brother Patrick, actually challenged your sister to pay her last respects in a bikini suit...*laughs*...Patrick says that it could just wake you from the dead!!...

Step-great-grandma fainted, when the doctor announced your time of death...she was walking into your hospital room when she heard the flat line of your heart beat...she didn't take your passing well, I am afraid...she would not be consoled...and she kept mumbling that you were always more like a son to her...instead of a son-in-law...she cried saying that there was no one to take her shopping or out for walks anymore...She could not believe that you's leave this world earlier than she did...

Step-grandma seemed to be handling it well...or so I thought...when she came knocking on Steph's door the afternoon after the funeral, burst into her room...and said..."I miss your daddy so much!!!"...and broke down...I guess it was when she woke up from her nap, and routinely turned to your hospital bed...and your favourite antique chair...only to find you gone...

She has mentioned about moving down to KL, selling the house that you've all lived in for 30+ years...as it was all too painful to bear...especially for step-grandma, where her schedule was fixed to accomodate your hospital visits, medicine intakes, baths, feeding...I guess, now that you're gone, she has so much time in her hands, she does not know what to do with it...purposeless...and without a cause...

Dad's been taking much stress too...my youngest brother was just preparing to go to Kampar for his University orientation day...Dad had to see to that, and to the funeral arrangements too...plus handling your hospital fees...well, his pocket isn't doing too good...but I am sure he will manage...as he always have...

Oh, I forgot...Dad had to handle the stress of handling grandma too...can you imagine...she was crying because she was not allowed to give an eulogy during your memorial service??...I scratched my head, thinking...I would not be at all surprised that she wanted to give an eulogy, provided that you and her were still in good terms...But it was obvious to me that she wasn't...and she has always been jealous of us giving you extra attention in our visits to you...and she has never really seen you in good light, as she claims that she had to struggle and work during her marriage to you...well, we all know how she has wanted the 'high' life...

By the way, grandma was telling all her friends that "My old man has left me"...I don't know why she tells untruths...true, you have passed on, but you were not HER old man ('old man' comes to mean 'husband', in Hokkien dialect)...you and her have been legally divorced for almost 3 decades!!...

As for me...I don't know...like I said, I try to refrain from sharing my personal feelings for now...for fear that I may just lose it...Father's Day would be specially empty now...not to forget Chinese New Year...but I think my denial of your passing, is starting to show in other ways...for example, I can't focus when I am driving...and I have just went on a book spree yesterday...purchasing anything that sparks an interest...and peeling out money from my purse without a second thought...that is so unlike me...for now, I can only take things one at a time...I am safe...as long as I do not come upon our family photos...or your coin collection that is now in my possession..or I will just start to bawl!!!...

My eyes might be bright...but my heart cannot lie...There is a part of me that can't stop bleeding...crying; why good men like you would pass so soon...my brain tries to be logical...stringing practical sentences, that fails to reach my heart...I knew how you hated to be nursed...to lose your independance in your sick times...gasping for breath when your body fails you...a knife stabs my heart when I see how skeletal you have become...from a 60+kg to a skinny 38kg on your deathbed...all this in less than one year...I tell myself, that it is a comfort to know you are now in a place where you are healthy...where you are in no suffering, be it mental or emotional...those are for the living...

Step grand-ma is starting to give away all your collectibles...much to my alarm...I can only guess that she is doing this, as she thinks your collectibles will be a benefit to others...and most importantly, there is less things that will remind her of your passing and how much she misses you...but if you'd ask me, I want those collectibles to remain within the family...as those are the only memories that you would leave behind...so yes, it is extremely painful that you would have to leave...but I think it is much more painful...for me, at least...to have nothing to remember you by except for photos, and small remains...

So if you could, could you please drop by her dreams, give her a hug and tell her to leave your collection as it is??...I don't want that part of you to disappear too...

The chair that you sit during the afternoons is empty now...nobody sits on it...I wouldn't want anyone to...that chair has been a family chair for so long...it has a personality...it has a story...If only I could make it talk...I wanna know your thoughts that you've shared with it...the million hours on the phone...the countless sermons you prepared...dreams you dreamed while you napped...the tears you might have shed...your smile as you lovingly stroke its handle...

If only that chair could speak...

It is only when one has learn the pain of another leaving...and how precious life can be...that one can truly live...

Granny loves me...

My grandmother won something during a lucky draw this week...She was all excited about it, and wanted to share her gift with me...It wasn't something all that expensive (if it was, you'd bet that she would keep it to herself)...but I was the lucky one among her grandchildren to be chosen for this gift...

Since I am far from my hometown, I politely declined, and suggested that she gave it to my brothers instead...Funny enough, she insisted the it wouldn't do, and that only I could use this gift to the fullest...

It started to spark my curiosity as to what this gift was...that even my own brothers were not allowed to touch it...

I asked my mum this morning...she gave me two clues...

Firstly, it was an electronic subject...

Secondly, it produces sound...

Even I got all excited...tonnes of images ran through my head...

A blasting room Audio system??... (for a while there, I forgot that she mentioned the gift wasn't expensive)...A handphone??...A synthesizer??...I've been dreaming of one for dinosaur years...

I was THIS close to the answer...half correct, actually...

It was....
A toy keyboard...

*sigh*.....

Early Morning confessions...

I've probably mentioned/blogged about this, more than I should...I just need to get it off my chest, for the last time, before I put this subject to rest...so for those who are tired hearing me rant/ponder on this, feel free to skip this post...

Grandma has been staying with my family for 6 years now...my dad made this decision, and our lives were changed forever, in a split of a second...there was a part of me, that welcomed her...as it was my prayer that she would be able to come to a place called home...instead of jumpin' around, bunking in with friends and traveling all the time...but the other part of me, feared for my family...as she is a typical example of a daughter-in-law's worst nightmare...and I crossed my fingers as to what my family might be forced to endure...

So, it has been 6 years, we've put up with her...trying to meet to her demands and comply...Buried behind her insecurities, lies a self-centered behavior from a dysfunctional family...her mother died while she was young...while I try to be understanding, and respectful, I have come to find myself filled with resentment as time goes by...

She makes frequent and inconsiderate demands on our time, questions every move we make, throws a tantrum when things do not go her way, makes up stories, etc...I try to remind myself to accept her for who she is...that instead of wishing for her to change...maybe...just maybe, we could learn to work around her...

There are many times, I feel sorry...thinking what it must be like to be her...completely insecure...yet, her very action, in her wanting to be part of a family, is driving us away...her need to control and boss everyone around...

My friends have been frank enough with me, to tell me that...they could see resentment seething through me, even at the very thought of my grandmother...and yes, I have got to admit that they are right...

I resent the amount of energy it takes, to be around her...I resent the tensed atmosphere, every time she is around...I resent that she demands every single second of my father's time, when we siblings are trying to have a cordial conversation over dinner...and I resent the hurt that she causes my family, whenever she can't deal with not having her own way...

It must be hard to be her...because of her past selfish actions, she now has less friends...thus she is lonely...she must be frustrated, as her behaviour has caused her grandchildren to distant themselves from her...yet, she refuses to admit it...

I on the other hand, have my own feelings about her to deal with...somehow, I need to get past this, but I don't know how...I can deny that my frustrations do not exist, but I cannot turn my back nor my face, especially when I hear of her cooking up a drama, that threatens to break the harmony of my family...I can suppress my anger, but I cannot ignore it, especially when my grandma tells untruths and criticizes my mum in front of me...

For now, I'm not sure as to how I should react...talking about my frustration keeps me sane...but it doesn't do me much good...I fear that if I keep numb about this, she might mis-understand me, and think that I am sympathetic towards her...thus, encouraging her to tell me more stories, causing my ear to bleed...

I've been back home in Ipoh for a week, and has unfortunately raised my voice at my grandmother (hoarse voice and all...I was very sick)...While I'm still beating myself up with guilt, for having been disrespecful...I cannot really bring myself to say...that I would not do it again...should the situation repeat itself...

All this boiling exasperations...choked down my chest, like poison...it makes me less of a person, I think...

The twilight zone...

It is said that for one to lose weight, one must not lose out on her/his sleep....I've also read somewhere that for optimal growth, we would also require adequate sleep...or face the dangers of stunted heights and slow brain activity...

If that is the case, and considering the amount of sleep that I've had last week alone...I should be at least 2m tall, emaciated and have an IQ higher than Einstein by now...

But I'm not...darn...

I remember when I was back in secondary school...the teenage days...where my mum would never allow me to go for afternoon siestas...
[Disclaimer : I'm not trying to make my mum look like the 'evil step-mother of some kind'...its just differences in opinion]

My parents will understandably think that siestas of more than one hour would keep me awake as an owl late at night...

Their GOLDEN RULE : SLEEP EARLY (though I've YET seen my dad go by that rule even till now...apparently these rules doesn't apply to grown-ups with children...)

Which is why they have assorted many ways to wake me up from my afternoon siestas...throwing a wet sponge at me, shouting their throats sore...you name it...

But let me explain my side of the story...

It is difficult and annoying habit since I was young...to read before I sleep...it is DIFFICULT and almost impossible, for me to just switch off the lights, "think of a blank piece of paper" or count sheep and drift off to Dreamland...It just keeps me awake for longer hours then I can imagine...and by the time I really get to sleep, it is already time to wake up...

Which explains the habit of me sleeping with the lights on...reading will slowly lull me to sleep (estimation of half an hour at least)..my comforter wrapped around my legs...but any LOUD sound awakes me...let alone me having to GET UP, walk to the power socket, switch off the lights, and back to my bed again...by then, I'm mentally as bright as a xenon light...Will have to go through the whole reading process again...

And no, coffee and tea has nothing to do with it...I'm absolutely immune to them...

Same goes for my afternoon siesta...I read before I fall asleep, which will take me close to 45 minutes...my mind is still active...so reading any psychological thriller will just get me all excited and pumped up...I dislike Sweet Valley High, so that is out of the picture too...I would usually opt out for worn out books that I've read so many times, I can memorize them in my sleep...last time, it used to be Christopher Pike...now, I'm going for Jeffrey Archer...*grin*...

I would drift off close to one hour from when I started reading...then you can hear my mum knocking the door down...I JUST MANAGED to put myself to sleep...and now, there is a lady outside shouting...can you blame me for ignoring her??...Alarm clocks, you can shove it on the floor...slam the stupid button, and it shuts up immediately...only to go off again 9 minutes later...but your mum, you can't just shout at her and ask her to get lost...I wouldn't have managed to live with that thought for the rest of my life...

I just wished that she would go easier on me during my siesta times...of course, now I have the complete say...yet it doesn't change the fact there is a possibility that deprivation of sleep during my teenage days might just have something to do with my lack of height...if she would have let me sleep on, my body may have a better chance of growing...and I might have been a sexy tall, willowy lady with thick black hair...

Hmmm...I probably should rephrase that last statement...I just found out, during my last trip back home...that my mum reads my blog...she may accuse me of over-exaggerating...

No Escape...

The culture that comes from my roots never cease to amaze me...I would have thought that my family, being a Christian for three generations now, would not have taken nor subscribe to all these 'superstition' seriously...but boy, was I wrong...

Even till now, my grandmother would scream the house down every Chinese New Year(CNY)...trying to get us to comply and submit to those superstitions...for two weeks before the celebration, the whole extravaganza and show of cooking will start...because it is according to Chinese traditions, that it is a taboo, to use knifes during the first day of CNY, just in case we 'cut' of our prosperity and good luck...

We would have the house spick and span before the big day comes, as it is believed that we would be sweeping and wiping away our fortunes, should we clean on the first day of CNY. Even if we were to sweep the house the following days, we would have to sweep it inwards, so that no harm will follow...dust and rubbish would have to be taken off the back door...

Grandmother is especially particular, insisting that everything we use would need to be new...new clothes, new tableware (yes, that includes plates, bowls, fork and spoon...so you can imagine the pile of plates accumulated till now)...I remember that there was a time, when my grandma made a ruckus, when I used a used plate to serve my dad rice...I wasn't aware of that 'golden rule' then...and my dad, stressed up by all her screaming since morning...chewed me up real good in front of my other family members...I left the dinner table, all hurt and confused...didn't think what the big deal was, that ended up me getting scolded that bad...of course, all of us knew that my dad was at the snapping point then, and my situation was the prefect trigger...I had a good cry...and my dad apologized to me later...I remember it clearly even now...it was the first time my dad ever said that he was sorry...and I found it easier to forgive...

We start the firecrackers going by midnight...Legend has it, that a red dragon is due to come at the strike of midnight of CNY, and firecrackers were meant to scare them away...tradition keeps us going from there...Others say that it is a way to celebrate the coming of a new year...and also give the old year a great send-off...

One would have thought that as time progresses, we would have abandoned these traditions and customs in exchange for new thoughts...I have had my share of scoffing at these traditions...but I now realized, that in keeping these practices, even though we may not believe these superstitions...reminds me of my past, how I have come to be...and most of all, a sense of identity...something that I have in common with the rest of the Chinese community...that keeps me going...

Dear mummy,

For all the crap you've got to put up with,
For all the panic I've cost you,
For all the times I've talked back, and when I shouldn't have,
For all the times you've comforted me,
For all the advices, heeded and unheeded,
For all the rebellion you've got to put up with,
For all your love you've poured through years,
For all the 6:30am wake-up calls,
For all the chauffeuring you've done,
For all the times you've been patient with grandma,

And most of all,
For all the years, you've glued this family together...

I am truly thankful...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY...

Dear Grandma

I need you to understand...I want you to know...it is not that I accidentally left you out, on wishing you Happy Mother's Day...I wish I could do so...but I just couldn't...not without feeling the frustration, not without feeling the emptiness behind those words...

God knows that I wish, I don't feel this way...this dilemma of not wanting to have anything to do with you...Through your selfish actions, you have made these years a living hell for the family...my family...the people I care for...the only people that was there for you, when you were sick...when you were in need...You inconvenienced people so, that the whole world has to stop...just to see to your needs...

I have failed...as a grandchild, I'm afraid...I am a hypocrite, after all...I tell my brothers, that we should accept you the way you are...and to give you the respect...and that I have managed to do...

But I realized...that on such a special day as Mother's Day...I am unable to put aside my disappointment ...and to show you my care...and mean it...I wish I am able to let go...I wish I am able to forgive...for the tears you have caused my mum...for the tension within the family, just because you flew into a rage...for the years I have yearned for a grandma's love, but never got it...

It is with an honest heart, that I am pouring out in this blog...you are my grandmother by name and by blood...and for that, I will pay you the respect that is due to you...but I am really sorry...I can't bring myself to do more than that...cause in my heart, I never saw you as a loving grandmother...

If empty words still mean something to you...here it is...happy mother's day...

It is my hope and my prayer, that one day...I will learn to put aside my feelings...and to call you 'grandma' which much heartfelt meaning...but for now, this will have to do...

Epletive Profanities

I recall countless days, when I use to struggle within myself to find words that would describe exactly how I felt...I still do till today...I have been taught from childhood by my parents, that using the word "SH*T!" or "OH MY GAWD" or "D*MN IT!!"...was a taboo...F*CK especially...

I could never really understand why...I mean, just think about it for a while...if one were to knock his/her head on a metal object by accident...and it hurts so bad, that any movement would aggravate it...would "Ouch" suffice the frustration of being in such bad luck...and the pain?...If one, planning to rush to a destination finds him/herself stuck in a 2.5km traffic jam and no U-turns...would "Oh, that is just too bad" be enough to tame the raging tempest billowing inside you?...

I remember the first time when I was innocently accused of such a crime...I was in primary 6 then...sitting in the car, along with my family...parents and 2 other brats...when it came...The Smell...and you'd better believe it...in a small car, The Smell can be pretty deadly, especially when there are 5 people sharing the same amount of oxygen and air...

Then I had to open my big mouth..."Who FARTED??"....

An even deadlier silence...

My dad bellowed his baritone voice with full force..."What did you say??!!!...Don't you ever let me hear you say that word again, you hear me!!...APOLOGIZE!!"

Hey, man...what did I do??...Confused me meekly apologized and kept quiet throughout dinner trying to understand what had just happened...I then comforted myself by saying that probably my dad...parents...mis-heard me...and thought I have used the F word...I never thought of claiming my rightful innocence, though...the thought of my dad looking down at me with his beetly thick eyebrows and his look piercing into my brain...was more than I could bear...

My second encounter was when a friend of mine from secondary school went to Kuala Lumpur for a shopping treat...she happened to drop by the French Connection United Kingdom shop...yes, she was that rich...this sweet young thing, brought back for me a magazine, with its initials on it...Unfortunately, I loved the pictures from this magazine so much, I cut it out, and paste it on my room wall...and there behold...for all men and women to see, young and old...was a couple of FCUK hanging on my wall...man, I never thought my mum could lose her marbles that much...

To the ears of the older generation and more conservative people, I guess all this usage of expletive is unnecessary...personally, I think it is ok to use it as a means of expression...unless you are saying it towards a person, which I then will say is rather rude...Otherwise, I wouldn't see it as a crime...

I am aware that some people, for the sake of not getting into trouble with the older generation...changes these profanities with a simple vowel...say, when someone is tempted to say "SH*T!"...they will change it to "SHOOT!!" instead..."F*CK" to "FUKE"...but why all the trouble??...They can say SHOOT/FUKE all they want...but all of us knows that they mean SH*T/F*CK...what difference does it make?...ah, this is just my point of view anyway...no offense to anyone at all...*grin*

But I will have you know, though..and I would like to make it clear now...as much as I can take such profanities...God help you, if you were say "F*CK you" in my face...with or without the attitude...I will hurt you so much, you will wish that you didn't...

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Updates : My 'carrot' is still hanging there after all...well, I did lose RM20 this afternoon for a 3 second fleeting thought of failure...but I think I have made considerable progress...wouldn't you agree??..hehe...lets see how I fare tomorrow...