The moment of truth

So, this is the WEEK...a pretty BIG week, I must say...as the title of the blog infers, it is my most critical and decisive moment in time...but looking at the positive light, it is only ONE moment...

I'm trying to shut my demeaning inner voice...and struggling to convince myself that 'if the process is good, the product will be just fine' (taken off a blog I happen to visit)...

It is the nerves that is killing me...makes me go all nervous...and everything that is being prepared these couple of months could be taken away quickly...but its cool...I still do break-down at times, but I am assured that the game will continue...

I just want to play to the best of my ability...and have more confidence in myself...instead of lack there-of...

Simpsons

Have decided to reward myself with an episode of Simpsons...Its been a long time since I've seen one...and oh, how I laughed!!!...I cannot believe that there was a time, when I thought the Simpsons theme song was only good to show us how a modal Lydian scale would sound...I cannot believe there was also a time when I thought the Simpsons theme song was getting more annoying...well, probably that was the time when I was watching the Simpsons, episodes after episodes...non-stop...haha...but I shall be back soon on the Simpsons spree...YEAH!!...an additional bonus to the 'carrot' I'm looking forward too...

p/s: Heys, Lina...if you're happen to be reading this, unlike in good old Malaysia, Simpsons is NOT BANNED in Aussie...so, if you have a chance, look it up...its hilariously funny....next to Russell Peters...just don't get too hooked on it, yeah...*grin*...

The Power of Positive Thinking

To be honest, I never thought I could...with all the confidence I seem to portray on the outside, I'm a whimp when it comes to undertaking challenges...but today, I am finally proud do say...I overcame it all...

Not to say that this lack of self belief will not happen again...its just that I've proven to myself...that being confident and believing in one-self...is actually a choice we have got to make everyday... today, I chose to not think about discouraging thoughts...I need not think about positive thoughts all the time...but as long as I don't allow that stupid, annoying and forever demeaning voice to sink into my thoughts...I will do fine...

And do fine I did!!...I am finally proud to announce that all my band songs are nicely nailed down...a couple of glitches here and there...but ah, my band mates will carry me through...hehe...

And you know what??...Its nice to feel good about yourself...I feel all physically perky too...hehe... not emotionally drained out all the time...good feeling about the graduation recital coming again... and the 'carrot' that keeps me going...is in sight!!!...=)

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I was just thinking about something...and it annoys me so, that I have yet to find an answer...people tell me that each one of us is special in God's eyes...if all of us are special...then who is deemed normal??...if there are no normal beings...then how can we be seen as special??...its a matter of balance, isn't it??...with the existence of pain, only do we know how much we treasure something/someone...with the existence of evil, only do we realize what good is...but there are no normal beings...then we can't call ourselves 'special', can we??

I've no answer for that at the moment...and I don't intend to explore this matter...until my graduation recital is over...Cheers!!!...

Epletive Profanities

I recall countless days, when I use to struggle within myself to find words that would describe exactly how I felt...I still do till today...I have been taught from childhood by my parents, that using the word "SH*T!" or "OH MY GAWD" or "D*MN IT!!"...was a taboo...F*CK especially...

I could never really understand why...I mean, just think about it for a while...if one were to knock his/her head on a metal object by accident...and it hurts so bad, that any movement would aggravate it...would "Ouch" suffice the frustration of being in such bad luck...and the pain?...If one, planning to rush to a destination finds him/herself stuck in a 2.5km traffic jam and no U-turns...would "Oh, that is just too bad" be enough to tame the raging tempest billowing inside you?...

I remember the first time when I was innocently accused of such a crime...I was in primary 6 then...sitting in the car, along with my family...parents and 2 other brats...when it came...The Smell...and you'd better believe it...in a small car, The Smell can be pretty deadly, especially when there are 5 people sharing the same amount of oxygen and air...

Then I had to open my big mouth..."Who FARTED??"....

An even deadlier silence...

My dad bellowed his baritone voice with full force..."What did you say??!!!...Don't you ever let me hear you say that word again, you hear me!!...APOLOGIZE!!"

Hey, man...what did I do??...Confused me meekly apologized and kept quiet throughout dinner trying to understand what had just happened...I then comforted myself by saying that probably my dad...parents...mis-heard me...and thought I have used the F word...I never thought of claiming my rightful innocence, though...the thought of my dad looking down at me with his beetly thick eyebrows and his look piercing into my brain...was more than I could bear...

My second encounter was when a friend of mine from secondary school went to Kuala Lumpur for a shopping treat...she happened to drop by the French Connection United Kingdom shop...yes, she was that rich...this sweet young thing, brought back for me a magazine, with its initials on it...Unfortunately, I loved the pictures from this magazine so much, I cut it out, and paste it on my room wall...and there behold...for all men and women to see, young and old...was a couple of FCUK hanging on my wall...man, I never thought my mum could lose her marbles that much...

To the ears of the older generation and more conservative people, I guess all this usage of expletive is unnecessary...personally, I think it is ok to use it as a means of expression...unless you are saying it towards a person, which I then will say is rather rude...Otherwise, I wouldn't see it as a crime...

I am aware that some people, for the sake of not getting into trouble with the older generation...changes these profanities with a simple vowel...say, when someone is tempted to say "SH*T!"...they will change it to "SHOOT!!" instead..."F*CK" to "FUKE"...but why all the trouble??...They can say SHOOT/FUKE all they want...but all of us knows that they mean SH*T/F*CK...what difference does it make?...ah, this is just my point of view anyway...no offense to anyone at all...*grin*

But I will have you know, though..and I would like to make it clear now...as much as I can take such profanities...God help you, if you were say "F*CK you" in my face...with or without the attitude...I will hurt you so much, you will wish that you didn't...

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Updates : My 'carrot' is still hanging there after all...well, I did lose RM20 this afternoon for a 3 second fleeting thought of failure...but I think I have made considerable progress...wouldn't you agree??..hehe...lets see how I fare tomorrow...

A Pact Made and Sealed

Thanks to the encouragement of some of my friends (you guys know who you are, so I won't mention it here)...and my parents...

I have decided that it is not worth my time, dwelling in fear...thinking of things that MAY or MAY NOT happen, as in doing so, it diminishes all little faith and confidence that I have of myself...

Therefore, to ENSURE that I keep positive thoughts, I have come up with an agreeable pact:

My 'carrot' will be a good week of total makeover of wardrobe, (one month's pay, but never mind)...a whole body massage and spa...and utter gluttony without guilt...
And at any time I falter and think in fear again, I will donate RM10 each to both my brothers...and let them enjoy the makeover instead...( if you know how much I have in my bank after the car break-down incident...and the thousand spoiler thoughts I have a day about my recital...you can bet that if I do falter, the price could be pretty hefty...)

So, hence, I'm starting a Lessajinomoto Makeover Foundation Fund...

May I last the week!!...=)

Damn you...

I was putting on Third Wind by Pat Metheny...listening intently, while googling up some stuff on the net...I slotted in my thumbdrive (which I've recently just sent it to a printing shop, as I wanted some files in it printed)....and there came a folder...entitled "UDM SPEAKS"...under a Firefox file...

Was puzzled...I don't remember saving any file of this sort at all...but since I am capable of using shampoo to wash my face (when I am being my usual absent minded self)...I guess saving a file without remembering...is just all in a days work...

I clicked it open to take a look...and a balloon popped out...

"Hi, its me"

Instantly, I recognized it as a virus or spyware of some sort...and deleted it...when the next balloon popped out...

"You think you can just click me away?"

Man, it is starting to sound like a harrassment...how annoying...I clicked the "X" on the top right of the box once more...then the largest balloon popped out, taking up my whole screen...

"Virus has been downloaded. Now you can sleep in peace."

Hey, UDM...whatever did I do to you anyway???

Fickled Minded

I thought I knew myself...now I realized that I never did...I am a much more confused person that I thought I was...

My graduation recital is just a week and one day away...my mind is screwed up...and freezes everytime I try to imagine how my recital will turn out...

Questions twirl around my mind...Will I remember my lines??...my chord changes??...Will my brain grow mushrooms at the last minute...and decides to leave me to my doom??...If I do embarrass myself...how tarnished will my image be?...will all this suspense and willful thinking be worth my while??...my weaknesses exposed, and my strengths to the challenge...how will I fare??...

You know...I never really believed that this day would come...I guess a part of me always thought that I'd be studying FOREVER...and now the day is finally here, I find that I do not know how to handle it...

One minute I will be thinking, "Jeez, I don't want this day to come...I will never be able to make it on stage in one piece...I will probably be grinning there like a mindless idiot for the whole one hour...and after that, hide in the dungeon that I've prepared for myself...and if I do come out for some fresh air, I will make sure that I have good supply of Loony Tunes Mask...or even Ultraman, for that matter..."

And the next split second, I will be thinking..."Jeez, when will this day come??...Can it come already??...I don't think I can take this suspense anymore...just wish I could get this over and done with...I can't wait for the second that I'm able to lay down on my pillow and not dream about my recital anymore..."...(if you noticed, I'm writing this post, at an insane hour of 4:40am...an unholy hour to be writing any post at all...and no, it wasn't the workload this time...just me)

Deciding on which thought I'd prefer, just drives me bonkers...

Sufiah has spoken

So, following the recent news on Sufiah, she has expressed no regret being an escort whatsoever...and even sees no wrong enjoying her life that way...frankly, I don't think we have the right to pass judgment and rebuke her so...the fact that 'she expressed no regret'...goes to show that she has given her job enough thought...and still went on with it...as much as I wouldn't mind us Malaysians handing a helping hand...she has spoken...'She is adamant about continuing her career because she has a nice life'...enough said...

Now, can we now shift our focus to people who really IS IN NEED of our help??

On another matter...this petty argument going back and forth between several party leaders has gone on long enough...it is almost a month anniversary since Barisan Nasional has lost...and they still can't get the hint??...the only way of winning the society back, is to buckle up their belt and grind through these five years to come...before the new election is on...and they lose again...

I can assure you...if they continue on like this, the main reason they won't be having my support at all...is not because of the insensitivity of our ex-political leaders...but its the fact that they are not able to stare at defeat in the face...and do something about it...such leaders, I wouldn't trust the government to it...especially at the face of crisis...

I cannot say that I am a fan of Abdullah Badawi, nor Mahathir, or any other politicians for that matter... (though I have my opinions on them, which I shall reserve for myself...)...but I would say...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...hasn't Barisan Nasional lost enough face as it is??...Would they, in the name of pride and ego, continually puncture the little more pride that BN has...for their own name??...please, just keep numb...and prove to us by your actions...that you guys are worthy of our vote...stop the 'pointing finger' game...

I thought the pointing finger game only exist in our primary school...it did for me...and I enjoyed it very much...but ONLY when I was a kid...

...and these politicians are no kids...

p/s: can the STAR newspaper so kindly withstand of publishing such childish arguments of these oh-so-amazing-politicians of ours...and come up with something fresh?...with all honesty and no offense, as an avid reader of the STAR, I am really starting to get bored of the whole drama...

I am as sinful as hell

Greed:	Very Low	 
Gluttony:	Medium	 
Wrath:	Medium	 
Sloth:	Very Low	 
Envy:	Very Low	 
Lust:	Very Low	 
Pride:	Medium	 

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

On Sunday Mornings...

Jim Davis has not lost his humour, that is for sure...
and I am feeling way crappier than the above...

You don't wanna live for days like this...

This ain't any usual day, that is for sure...and this is not by pure coincidence...that it happened just to add to the stress that I'm already feeling...now that my graduation recital is slightly short of two weeks...

I was looking forward to violin class today...Somehow, for godness knows what reason...I started off my day with a good spirit...I think it is one of the wonders of the world...that I am able to blog and share...without inserting an expletive or two...here and there...

With much determination, I decided to leave my house on time this morning...instead of being the usual 5 minutes late that I always was...especially for violin class...I felt completely at ease...it was a traffic jam all the way...but I didn't mind...nor did I care...I had the time to spare anyway...and five minutes on the road...a needle burst my bubble of happiness...

I forgot to bring my violin...it was sitting in my room...probably reflecting sadly and chiding me for forgetting the very thing that I left my house for...how absent-minded...never mind...that just allows me to reach my violin teacher's house just on time...so I drove back home...and OUT again...

Have you ever read about the Murphy's law??..."whatever CAN go wrong, WILL go wrong"...One of the most famous sayings of the year...I used to smirk at it...tease it...and call it a bluff...but I'm starting to believe it...as you will understand as you read on...

I was nearing the Sungai Besi highway, almost reaching my violin teacher's residence...when I smelt rubber burning...damn, that is not good, I thought...probably its the brakes...never mind...fix it later...then I switched gear to allow a car to over take me...and that was when I saw it...SMOKE...

Shit, the engine is burning...I stopped...in the middle of the freaking highway...and slowly guided it to the left side...but it was smoking so hot, that in a moment of panic, I turn off the car engine...even before I made it to the emergency lane...

Put on the hazzard light...no panic...I am, after all, a very experienced person...when it comes to cars breakin' down, I am blessed by it so much I've lost count...and you don't wonder...my car has been on the road for bloody 26 years!!...Heck, it is older than I!!...so its no surprise that this old baby breaks down on me...its time for me to give it an over-haul...but because the car is so antique...the spare-parts are almost obsolete...thus, making it freakin' expensive...

Lifted up the bonnet...that babe was so hot, it create condensation on the pair of specs that I was wearing...can you believe it...my car engine is even hotter than the environment around me...which is already one of the hottest day of the year so far!!...

I had to let the engine cool down first...before I could speculate what went wrong with my car...so there goes my violin lesson...I called my mechanic...because he lives so far...it would take him an hour to reach where I was (inclusive of the time being stuck in traffic)...so while waiting for him, I walked down to the toll office to get some nice guys to help push my car to the side...I can sense the traffic slowing down already...all obviously curious about what this sweaty, perspiring girl, with a bunch of wire as hair...and no hair-band to push her hair down...was doing...abandoning her car...in a quest for walking a mile long...to goodness knows where...

I certainly chose a wrong day to dress nice...long skirt, high heels...a shirt NOT made of cotton and DOES NOT absorb sweat...is definitely not ideal for one to go for a stroll on a hot day...let alone walk a mile long...by the time I reached the office, I looked as if I just jumped into a swamp...and out of it...not pleasant looking at all...but surprisingly, was in a good mood...don't ask me how...God sustained me...

I managed to push my car into the emergency lane...traffic seems to be moving faster now...less busy-bodies around...then I planted myself against my car...blasted my mp3 player...and sang to the heavens...I don't think the angels have heard a scarier version of Armando's Rhumba, than mine...

Mechanic came...and told me his diagnosis...I promise you...I don't hate this guy...he is a nice guy, my mechanic...doesn't treat me like a dumb blonde...and takes his time to explain to me several things that was wrong with the car...but I have to confess I am afraid to hear him speak...because it seems to be (though it wasn't so)...every sentence he brings forth, burns a hole in my pocket...its an additional hundred here...a fifty bucks there...yadaa, yadaa, yadaa...the pains of being an owner of a 26 year old car...

I managed to get the car fixed before the clock strike 11pm...that is almost 12 hours, since the break-down happened...lets just say that though I endangered the lives of probably millions of people on the highway...by suddenly switching off the engine at the last minute...I managed to save myself half a thousand bucks...if I were to continue driving, my engine would have brunt through...and I would have to get a new engine...now that several parts are burnt, I just had to pay for the spare parts...and workmanship...and that was almost half a thousand bucks as well...

Head gasket changed, valve gasket, 4 water jackets, fan clutch oil, engine servicing...labour...well, I don't think I am being over-charged...but its not like I had a choice...so...there goes my half month pay...I think I will have to stick with oat meal for a couple of weeks now...

And you would have thought my worries for the car was over...

"Hey, you gotta change your wheel bearing, before your wheel falls off completely." ( I took the liberty of translating it to English for reader's convenience)

"How much will it be if I fix it...and can I do it later?"

"Sure...it can last a week...it will be RM150 at least"...

I'm telling you...if it wasn't for the manual gear and its driving performance that I enjoyed so much...I would have sold this car to a junkyard...and even they don't want it!!...I am paying for this baby's health until my nose bleeds...heck, this baby even has an insurance...and the owner (me) does not!!...

And this is followed by a 2 hour black-out in the middle of the night...causing me to lose a few hours of sleep...

Tsk...Murphy's law...heesh...

Dilemmas

The sun usually sets at 7:30pm (Malaysian time)...but today...it didn't...it was pitch dark gray by 5pm...and literally black by 6pm...suits my mood I guess...I need to sort things out in my mind...but it is so jumbled up at the moment, I don't know where to start...if I'm not talking sense, bear with me...

I got to know *John a few days back...we didn't exactly became friends at once (or so I thought)...I needed his help for my graduation recital...and he was introduced to me by one of my lecturers...to be frank, I barely know him...I know his name, and I know which department he is from...but that is all...I called him a couple of hours back, to see if I could meet up with him, so that I could brief him with the details of my graduation...we were suppose to meet today, but I had to postpone, as I was scheduled to do a replacement class with a private student of mine...he asked if I could meet in his house...and I didn't have the guts to say "No, I don't think that is a good idea."...as I feared I would offend him or something...actually, I think I would...seeing that the very reason of my fear and judgment, is that harm may fall upon me in anyway, you know what I mean?...I don't want to give him the wrong impression, but I just do not feel safe entering a guys house...when I barely know the guy...and no, I don't consider half hour of talking as getting to know someone...

Maybe I will try asking him out for a drink or something...or get a guy to accompany me...I just hope he doesn't get the wrong message...if not, I don't know who else to look for to help me for my graduation recital...

*Names changed

For updates, I am still 60% done with my solos...(I am trying to memorize them...but I still keep breaking down)...and for Wildlife, I have got to think of an arrangement that will make me look more prominent (stand out)...and I don't know how...*add as many expletives as you wish*

A Slap on the face

This is written on a sad and disappointed note...I have decided that it is for the best, that I do NOT get the African choir to sing for my graduation recital...I have been thinking about this for a couple of days now...and my heart was not at peace...for a couple of reasons:-

1) *Virtue asks that he comes to my house...despite;-
a) me telling him that it is an inconvenience as I have got to drive 15 minutes back to my house and go through all the tolls...and drive him back again....
b) I barely know him
c) there is no need to do so

2) *Virtue ask that I meet him in HIS house for briefing, instead of meeting in college...(and that is a big ANTENNA warning going on there for me)...

Overall...I just don't feel at ease with this whole arrangement...plus, he wants me to go to his church to perform a song...not that its anything weird...but to ask a person you barely know...to perform in church...for me, it is quite unheard of...

It is just not working for me...I have enough worries in my head as it is...

Its in cases like this, that I'd rather mis-trust...than trust...

*Names changed

Things are REALLY starting to go wrong...(this is NO April fool...)

I feel as if I'm on a FULL-BLOWN nervous break-down...

p/s : To be continued...I don't feel like blogging about it at the moment...still in denial mode...

A Dash of Luck

I received this SMS on my handphone this morning...waking me up at an unearthly hour of 8.12am...(don't anyone say anything...when Monday is the ONLY day of the whole week that one gets to sleep in, 8am is then considered an unearthly hour...)

Here is what it said:

hello emily.iv(I've) told sme(some) of my friends.they've agreed but only afta(after) xms(exams).I nid(need) 2 c u 4 sme(some) more briefing.

From: *Vitrue
8:12am 31-MAR-08

p/s: bold and dark red italics, mine
*Names changed

Yipee!!...I am going to have some African friends over to help me out with the Wildlife piece!!...they will be singing...and handling the hand percussions...Now, that is one LARGE problem of my chest...I can breathe easier now...*grin*...