#1-#16s

Considering that I've suffering from a writer's block syndrome...having sat in front of my manuscript for hours, and no "hook" melodies jumping at me...I decided to do what I SHOULD NOT be doing...considering the fact that, I have less than 16 hours to finish my current composition...

List of things to do, before I leave for Melbourne :

1. Apply for my visa and passport...yea, I've not got the time to get to it yet...I usually have my Wednesdays free...but these two months have been hell...trying to cramp in arranging assignments and projects non-stop...and perfecting it as well...
2. Get my car fixed and prepped...
3. Drive my trusty car all the way back hometown...and trust it in my brother's care...*OMG!!!*
4. Visit my friends back in Penang...
5. Pay ALL my relatives a visit...that includes my close cousins, paternal and maternal grandparents, aunt and uncles...etc...the whole happy family...
6. Hand in my resignation letter to my boss...
7. Prepare all my students for their exams...at least, finish the syllabus so that my "successee" can just do the brushing up...and not worry about anything else...(that's 21 students all together...a nightmare, I tell ya!!)
8. Brief my "successees", on my students...all their kinky acts, their hooligan moves, their monkey tricks...so they do not regret taking up the job in the first place...
9. Complete and polish up all my 3 arrangements so that I can safely add them as part of my port-folio...
10. Close the deal with my college...HOORAY!!!...I'm officially out of it!!!....in one and half months time...
11. Revamp my wardrobe...time for a change...no more dawdy, baggy, black t-shirts!!!...
12. Compile my theory and ear-training notes for Ms. Maria (my first piano teacher) and Ms. Hew (followed by my second)...
13. Pay Ms. Hew a visit!!!...(I owe her this for 5 months already)...
14. Decide which music books I should take...and which I should ship...
15. Go for a holiday...(Penang, preferably)...and just drown myself with Malaysian food...
16. Reply Professor David's email, concerning my lodgings and accommodation plans...
    

That's all I think of, for now...I'm sure there's more...but I am still at a stage of denial that there is SO MUCH to do!!!...I mean...I've been planning this for so long...and due to certain unavoidable circumstances, I had to have it postpone...now it is hard to believe that it is coming true...in fact, I am almost expecting something to happen...that will delay my plan again...*touchwood*...

Writer's Block...

I can't believe it...

Mahler, was able to compose his Symphony No. 5, which includes 5 movements altogether...resulting in 819 bars of music...

And I, am stuck at my composition...on bar 42???!!!!!.....

I have barely scratched the surface of Mahler's ingenious mind!!!....

I am currently starring at Mahler's full score of Symphony No. 5...baffled...

Strings of contrapunctal melodies, imitation of sounds of nature, introduction of dissonant themes, and other creative ideas jump out of these 819 bars...

So how in the world am I still stuck at BAR 42????!!!!!

Sorry, I just needed a place to rant...

For your eyes only...

I found something online that was really interesting...

Below, is the official trailer of Batman: The Dark Knight...

Now...check out the remake of it, but on Toy Story 2....Same exact dialogue...just different video...

Of course, I found it on YouTube...Enjoy!!!*grin*

The Difference...

You know what's the real difference between my mum and Jeremy Duncan's mum??

My mum would have said, "Oh really??...Errrrmmmmm"...
"Well, have fun staying up late and happy baking!!!...Toodles!!..."
She shoves me an apron, kitchen gloves...
and slams her door shut at my face...

One thing to do, before I leave....

What the teacher is, is more important than what he teaches. ~Karl Menninger

I'll be leaving for Melbourne, Australia in the middle of December this year...and I have already made a list of the things I needed to do before I leave...among them are...

• catching up with my old mates for the last time
• settle my visa and passport
• get rid of my wardrobe, or at least...update them

And most importantly :

• MEET UP WITH MY SIXTH FORM TEACHER!!!....

Not for any good reason, I can assure you...its most probably an act, to spite and snicker at her...than a genuine interest to keep in touch....but let me explain...

Not only is she my sixth form teacher, she is unfortunately my chemistry teacher as well...as for me, while Additional Maths and Biology makes perfect sense to me, Chemistry does not...well, actually it does...its just that, I am so used to photographic memory (thank God for them)...it makes Biology and History a complete breeze for me...and well...its just difficult/almost impossible, to picture different kinds of molecules bonding together...double bond/triple bond...well, you get my drift...

Credit given to her, she does know her stuff well...she can drone on and on about concepts of quantum chemistry, statistical mechanics and kinetics without breaking a sweat, like the Energizer Bunny we all loved......(wow, amazing that I still do remember a couple of chemistry terms till now)...boring us till our ears bleed...

What is wrong with this whole thing, was how obsessive she was about this subject!!!...I still remember, how she would go about lamenting (she complains more then she teaches) about the lack of seriousness in us students, in taking this subject...I mean...how serious would you want us to be, man!!...we are already up to our necks, preparing for our major STPM exams...it doesn't hurt to have a chuckle once in a while, would it??...she really did sound as if she wanted us kill our sense of humour...the saviour of our insanity....

I also recall...how in her venting her frustrations, she would be slamming her hand, on the whiteboard...the door...her table...the wall...whatever she can find...shouting ever so dramatically...she would have made a good pastor, I assure you...then she would go back to her own past, telling us...how perfect her imperfect life has been...the kind of commando discipline she has instilled for herself...how she wakes up at 4am in the morning to jog for an hour and the half....and goes straight to school right after...(that, I am inclined to believe...as I always find her car parked on the same spot, at the same time...on the dot...and not a second earlier not later)...and how, by someone NOT owning a pencil box, builds character....

There was even an episode when she caught us laughing, after having pulled a prank at one of our class-mates...she bellowed her contra-alto voice across the room...and ranted like a beast, foaming in her mouth...then she threw herself into such a prima donna state...slamming on doors with much frequencies...then said...that we needed a good shake up...and asked us...

"WHAT WOULD YOU BE DOING, IF YOU KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE THE NEXT DAY??!!"

...I've got to admit, that was one of the few times, I actually paid attention to her...for she finally said something, that I felt was worth reflecting upon...then I was awoken when I heard her continue...

"If I knew I were to die the next day, I would spend the night before, writing all the chemical equations, comb-bined it into a book, so that I can bring it into the coffin with me!!"....

*???????????????*

I was so stunned, that for a moment there, I wasn't even sure if I heard her right...it was only when my friends started snorting, struggling to supress their laughter...then I confirmed that I did get her right after all...

I mean, what the h*ll???....

If someone told me that I would only have 24 hours to live, I would be drowning myself in boozes, walking down beaches...soaking in every beautiful scenery I can take...spending time with my loved ones...

But WRITING CHEMICAL EQUATIONS on my death bed????!!!!.....

Who in their right mind would have thought of that??...ah, well...obviously my sixth form teacher isn't...in my opinion, anyway...I mean...is WRITING chemical equations going to buy her more time underground?...my brain is just unable to logic-fy (I am aware there is no such word) that act...and refuse to waste any more time doing so...

But that is just to share the extend of her enthusiasm she has, of the subject that she is so proud to teach...

Well, anyway...

Since I was generally weaker in Chemistry, compared to the rest of my subjects...we are understandably not the best of friends...and since I hate pretence, I didn't even attempt to suck up to her, for extra classes...My first mid-term results for Chemistry was a plain C...and while she would have jumped off London bridge, if she ever were to have a result like mine...I was genuinely quite ecstatic...

Plus the fact that I was quite busy, with other presidential responsibilities as well, competitions and theater rehearsals...she actually thought that I was just an empty shell taking up space and wasting oxygen...and she made a point of reminding me so each and every time she sees me...which is quite a lot, considering that she was my form teacher after all...

So, after all her taunts about me failing in life...just because I have decided that I would not be want to be found muttering H20 = H + 02, with my dying breath...I have emerged to become a musician...and am loving every inch of my life right now...

Sure, my life isn't a bed of roses...but I choose to believe that Experience is the my best teacher...though it ain't the most pleasant...

And even though I barely passed my Chemistry exam in my STPM (A Levels equivalent)...I am still standing tall...and not thinking of bending anytime soon...

Actually, I just want to visit her....just to show her that I've proved her wrong...that there is more to life than just basic Chemistry...at that she really has got to let herself go a bit...

And no, I have not a wee bit intention to keep in touch...as ungrateful as I may sound...in fact, with complete honesty, she is one of the teachers would contributed nothing into my life...except for psychological damages...and detrimental demoralization...

But I guess...it was thanks to all these mental anguish...that I have been forced to whip myself into shape...or I would have already fallen apart...

When trouble comes...

The police runs first...screw the civilians...

Am I the only one who is laughing my pants off this guy??....I guess not...

My apologies for not posting something for such a long time...I've just taken on a couple of projects...and it turned out to be more than I can actually chew... I couldn't convince myself to take time off, and post my thoughts up...though I do have tonnes to share...

But my heart is just itching right now to rant...no...to laugh HILARIOUSLY...no...to protest...ah...I can't decide...take your pick...

Honestly, someone should just shove a big boot into Home Minister Syed Hamid Albar's mouth once and for all!!!!...or just shoot him dead, I don't care...

First, was the approval for arrest of Sin Chew newspaper reporter under the ISA, for reporting a discriminating comment of his fellow friend and comrade Ahmad Ismail, arrest of Member of Parliament Theresa Kok, for "protesting to early Azan prayers" and arrest of Raja Petra, for writing an article "Let's Send Altantuya's Murderes to Hell"....

Then it was followed by the announcement of banning HINDRAF (Hindu Rights Action Force) for exploiting Indians and was deemed a clear and present danger to the national security...which naturally provoked many more protest from different political parties...

Now, the "laser-guided-missle" comes in a form of announcement by our Home Minister (again) to close down a police base in Chow Kit road (the red light district and black alley of Malaysia), as the "location was considered unsafe"...

I couldn't be more entertained and amused then I already am now...

Syed Hamid's explaination and justification to the situation :
(my thoughts and reply would be in italized red)

1. "beat base was located in a dirty area where there was a possibility of being exposed to contagious diseases."
Yea, "dirty"...how is pure dirt ever contagious in the first place??...contagious diseases...such as STD and AIDS, ain't that right? I mean, those are the ONLY contagious diseases that I know, that surrounds a red light district, so far...and besides, many germ diseases are NOT contagious...some "special method" of transmission is required...if you get my drift...Afraid that your croonies can't control their balls, are you?...if that is so, I think the term you're looking for, is "infectious" and NOT "contagious"...I'm sure you're aware...you can't get infected by just hanging around people who has HIV/AID, y'know....and if the area really is dirty (I gather that the word "dirty" doesn't mean literally, but nevertheless), get the DBKL (City Hall) to clean the place, you blardy moron!!!...what do we tax-payers pay the government for??...

2. "presence of criminals also posed a threat to the safety of police officers"
Are you freakin' kiddin' me??!!!...some trash shows up, and your croonies run with their tails between their legs, whimpering...those puppies...your police officers, who were supposed to have undergone YEARS of weapon and physical training in the police academy to stand up to these baddies...and you are tellin' me that THEY feel threatened??...what the h*ll are they wearing those badges for??!!!...how did they even get them in the first place??!!

3. "police were looking for a new location to build a police beat base that would be able to give “guaranteed and continued service to the public.” "
Chow Kit road, has been long famous for crimes, prostitution and drug dealings...your croonies have a base at the heart of all these brothel and drug activities...if there is any chance to launch an operation to fight the crooks...this is it...but NOOOoooooo...instead of folding up your sleeves and flexing your muscles, you guys have to flee like a whipped dog...and hide behind mama's apron...some guardian you guys are...

Its better to keep one's mouth shut, when you have nothing good to say...then to open your mouth, and faeces and poo over-flows...

It sure doesn't look like we can trust our cockle-doodle-doo police allies to do any form of protecting anytime soon!!!...or probably, we should just show up with our kitchen knives and ladles, and protect those babies...

Either way, I'm still stand ashamed...

Early Morning confessions...

I've probably mentioned/blogged about this, more than I should...I just need to get it off my chest, for the last time, before I put this subject to rest...so for those who are tired hearing me rant/ponder on this, feel free to skip this post...

Grandma has been staying with my family for 6 years now...my dad made this decision, and our lives were changed forever, in a split of a second...there was a part of me, that welcomed her...as it was my prayer that she would be able to come to a place called home...instead of jumpin' around, bunking in with friends and traveling all the time...but the other part of me, feared for my family...as she is a typical example of a daughter-in-law's worst nightmare...and I crossed my fingers as to what my family might be forced to endure...

So, it has been 6 years, we've put up with her...trying to meet to her demands and comply...Buried behind her insecurities, lies a self-centered behavior from a dysfunctional family...her mother died while she was young...while I try to be understanding, and respectful, I have come to find myself filled with resentment as time goes by...

She makes frequent and inconsiderate demands on our time, questions every move we make, throws a tantrum when things do not go her way, makes up stories, etc...I try to remind myself to accept her for who she is...that instead of wishing for her to change...maybe...just maybe, we could learn to work around her...

There are many times, I feel sorry...thinking what it must be like to be her...completely insecure...yet, her very action, in her wanting to be part of a family, is driving us away...her need to control and boss everyone around...

My friends have been frank enough with me, to tell me that...they could see resentment seething through me, even at the very thought of my grandmother...and yes, I have got to admit that they are right...

I resent the amount of energy it takes, to be around her...I resent the tensed atmosphere, every time she is around...I resent that she demands every single second of my father's time, when we siblings are trying to have a cordial conversation over dinner...and I resent the hurt that she causes my family, whenever she can't deal with not having her own way...

It must be hard to be her...because of her past selfish actions, she now has less friends...thus she is lonely...she must be frustrated, as her behaviour has caused her grandchildren to distant themselves from her...yet, she refuses to admit it...

I on the other hand, have my own feelings about her to deal with...somehow, I need to get past this, but I don't know how...I can deny that my frustrations do not exist, but I cannot turn my back nor my face, especially when I hear of her cooking up a drama, that threatens to break the harmony of my family...I can suppress my anger, but I cannot ignore it, especially when my grandma tells untruths and criticizes my mum in front of me...

For now, I'm not sure as to how I should react...talking about my frustration keeps me sane...but it doesn't do me much good...I fear that if I keep numb about this, she might mis-understand me, and think that I am sympathetic towards her...thus, encouraging her to tell me more stories, causing my ear to bleed...

I've been back home in Ipoh for a week, and has unfortunately raised my voice at my grandmother (hoarse voice and all...I was very sick)...While I'm still beating myself up with guilt, for having been disrespecful...I cannot really bring myself to say...that I would not do it again...should the situation repeat itself...

All this boiling exasperations...choked down my chest, like poison...it makes me less of a person, I think...

Random updates...

• Have just finished my arrangement on Mambo Influenciado...have decided to revise the whole entire song, but giving it a Baroque-like counter-melody, and changing the whole entire song to a medium swing feel and ending it with a 2 bar salsa rhythm...
• Am not entirely satisfied with the out-come and feel that there is still plenty to work on and expand...will have to sleep on it later...am extremely exhausted now...having just clocked in 15 hours of sleep this week...
• Have a new composition coming up...as much as I hate waking up to Muslim Azan calls at an unholy hour of 5am, I must say that the melody is starting to intrigue me...I couldn't sleep one morning...so I decided to take a walk...when I heard the Azan call...ideas started spilling through...its amazing, considering how mentally tired out I was at that time...
• So this new composition...fingers crossed on how it may turn out...heck, I don't even have a name for it yet...I was just thinking of starting with a distant Azan call, followed by a bell-like ostinato cum drone...adding layers of sound and harmony as we go along...
• Will be experimenting new arranging techniques instead of sticking to the basics which I've been using all along...so I'm trying to keep away from counter-melodies, call and responses, and mere reharmonization of chords...will probably be focusing more on layers of sound, effects, modulation and time-signature change...have to check out more Messien and Debussy pieces...Mahler and Bartok too...ah...we'll see...
• Has been an eventful week so far...been transcribing songs for my students, arranging and composition...it gives me utmost satisfaction...to know that I'm honing my skills...I'm still an amateur...but at least, I know I have found my purpose...that gives me comfort...I can see my direction clearly now...
• Have been struggling within, deciding if teaching is really my forte...I would not mind teaching...but at the moment, I'm not sure if its something I want to do with the rest of my life...to be honest, I do not have any qualms teaching...its just the mentality and attitude of parents and students alike, that tires me...all the spoon-feeding, bad attitude...their obsession of just knowing their notes and passing their exams, and yet not having a care in the world about music interpretation and its history...I feel as if I've failed to teach them how to appreciate music as it is...

Work in progress...will probably spend the rest of my Raya holidays working on my arrangments and compositions...will keep you updated...Chiaos!!...

Its a man eat man world out there after all...

You can say that I am an idealist...My dad said so anyway...and I'd agree to that...

My dreams may be at times impractical...and even conflicting with the real situation at hand...Which actually frustrates me even more at times...

In a way, I consider myself a grown-up...I pay my own bills, take responsibility for my own decisions, plan my own future...but on the other hand, I'm still very much a child...still choosing to hope that like your childhood friends, people will look out for you...just like a child, an argument is forgotten and the person forgiven...and then you head out to the playground to play...play with the person that you thought was your 'enemy' just a minute ago...

I'm still hating myself for doing a Don Quixote, choosing to hope, despite all the happenings around me...that there is some good in people...how impossibly naive...

My current mood is affected by the news of journalist and editor Malaysia Today (his blog), Raja Petra Kamaruddin being sent to detention for 2 years without trial...he starts his sentence today...

I may not know him by person, but my heart goes out to his family, two daughters and wife...Raja Petra was arrested by the ISA along with Theresa Kok and Tan Choon Heong...without any warrant...apparently ISA can do that, if the detainee were deemed a "threat to the national security"...

So what is this threat to the national security we are talking about?

Theresa Kok was arrested for allegedly (not even proven nor confirmed) telling mosque officials to tone down their morning call to prayer...this was later rebuked by the mosque committee themselves...

Tan Choon Heong was being arrested for reporting a racist remark by our fellow UMNO politician...real neat...Shoot the messenger, why don't you...

Raja Petra was for rocking the boat, "ridiculing Islam, insulting the Muslims and Prophet Mohammad himself", in additional to that, are articles that speaks against our Deputy Prime Minister, Datuk Najib...related to the Altantuya murder case...

How threatened is we as a nation by all of the above?...And if one ever dare comment that these arrests are justified, as these people are inciting racial and religious tensions...then I would like to raise this question...whatever happened to the racist comment by (now ex-)MP Ahmad Ismail just half a month ago?...

Everyone knows how he says that we Chinese are acting like Jews...and all that bull...how come he escapes with just a slap on the wrist, a 3 year suspension from the policital game? If you ask me, his statement created more uproar that Raja Petra would have had...and if I were the Prime Minister, and I had my way...I would have had him exiled...ah, that will be a different post altogether...

If you ask me, arresting and placing Raja Petra in detention without trial...is one of the government's big mistake...they are making a hero and marytr out of him...and themselves, that laughing stock, in the eyes of other countries...

Speak against your Deputy Prime Minister within the space of your own blog, and you get a 2 year detention...

I guess freedom of speech and writing never existed in the first place....and I probably should stop rekindling the hope that it would happen anytime soon...so much for the self-proclaimed democracy in Malaysia...

Like some would say...You either bite, or you'll get bitten...

Evil Spawns...

The area where I stay in, Cheras...honestly reflects the ugly character of Malaysians...in front of 'gwai-los'/Caucasians/very-important people, they are all polite and reserved...but when put them alone with their friends, they break into hives, with curse words, reckless driving, and so much more...

Here, you get a buffet of evil spawns...some will happily rumble towards you from the opposite direction, on a one way street...some will rudely make left turns, from a right lane...Drivers who are mentally handicapped, unable to put on the car signals at appropriate times...drivers who put the traffic in a halt, in the middle of a one lane alley...just to buy newspaper, snacks of some sort...or even stop for dinner...damn those road side hawker stalls!!!...

The list doesn't end there...Here, yellow lights will mean 'step on the gas and roll it on!!'...red lights means, 'hang on tight to your bra and underwear cz we are speeding so fast, we're faster then death itself!!' Have you ever seen a motorcycle that sits 5-6 people?...well, it exist right here in Cheras!!...the father in the very front, and he will plop his first child in front of him, that lucky one...2 poor kids LITERALLY sandwiched between the father and their mum who sits behind...and the mum hand carrying a child...not the best means of transport, and there you go...I'm not sure what there is to save here...I would have rather foot out a few more bucks for my kids to take a public transport back home...then to mess with Jack Ripper...

And do the drivers even care?...Hell no...as long as they carry an RM30-50 to bribe the cops when they come along...it is the Ramadhan month...'coffee money' are bound to be rampant among cops...heck, even the cops themselves do a double park...while sitting at the road side drinking coffee and smoking!!...

And to all ye people, who were honking during the insane 2 hour traffic jam I had to sit through yesterday...what the hell!!!...Yea, you heard me...I cursed...rare but its there...do you guys actually think that an orchestra of different yet out-of-tuned honks will make the traffic flow much better??...and you're breaking my train of thought!!...And what is the extra display of love within couples while driving??...true, it makes my heart melt, when I see couples being decently affectionate in public...but this is insane...you're risking lives, just for a 10 minute 'romping'...

May your car be covered with a blanket of bird poo one day...Good riddance to that!!...

In my own words...

I was reading a letter from Fitness First, which ended with their motto...

"A strong mind starts with a fit body"

I would like to differ...I'd instead choose para-phrase it this way...
so here is MY motto...

"A fit body starts with a strong mind"...

a strong mind to resist hunger pangs...
a strong mind to stick to exercise schedules...
a strong mind to love oneself...and not be influenced by others...

Does anyone disagree with me??
Please feel free to comment...*grin*

Weight gain does NOT mean I'm ugly...

"You don't look so nice as you did two years ago..."

"Someone has put on weight!!..Must be depression..."

So yes, I ain't gonna deny that I have gained some weight over the couple of years...4 kgs, to be exact...but can you blame me?...Age catches up with you, and you find yourself now unable to eat like a cow, and still maintain your birth weight at the same time...besides, I do not have as much time as before, to exercise religiously and eat healthy...when one is overwhelmed by work-load, one will be bound to break the rules...and just go for short-cut fast foods...

I was slim years ago...not due to genetics, but more of regular exercises...and some people came to me telling me that I would look better, if I'd gain more weight...and now, in year 2008, when I have unwillingly stepped up the weight ladder, there are people making diagnosis that I must be suffering from depression...

I've got to confess, that it did feel good before, listening to comments that I was in shape, would look nice if I BOTHERED dressing better, etc...it made me feel good about myself, the insecure being that I am...and little did I know...I'm falling in a trap that every women on earth is doomed to battle with...

The curse of the century...Weight-consciousness...

It was only of late, that I started feeling irritated concerning this whole issue...to be honest, consistent comments of my weight-gain from my home-church was one of the main reasons I never went back hometown on the weekends...one has got to understand...I used to be a senior musician there...and standing at the pulpit in front of the congregation that goes by hundreds...almost every week...people are bound to recognize me...

I can survive if a couple were to say hello...and say...

"You've gained weight!! What is wrong with you? What happened"?"...

Now...imagine a hundred people saying the same...and no, I ain't exaggerating...being one of the seniors in the youth and worship team, has made me quite memorable to a certain extend...and naturally, they would step forward to welcome me back...I find that somewhat demoralizing...especially when there is an emphasis on the word "wrong"...as if I'm suffering from a disease from Mars...and I'm not sure if I can trust myself to survive those comments emotionally...especially when they come by tens......

What frustrated me, was that the first line following a simple 'hello' is a weight issue...I honestly believe that one reveals a lot about themselves through a conversation...on what goes through their minds daily...and obviously, these few who said hi places importance on physical impression...whatever happened to "How are you coping with your work?", "What are you currently working on at the moment?", "What is the latest in your (not-so-interesting) life?", etc...as ice-breakers?...I'm sure those are more positive and pleasant to talk about than my over-spilling love handles...and drawing a conclusion that I could do with some 'fixing'...

So like many other girls, I started worrying about the way I look...my mood and emotions were dictated by it...when someone comments that I've lost some weight, I'll happily go to the gym to pump for more...yea, I can't believe that I'm actually lapping it up...the sucker that I am...when someone comments otherwise, its back to comfort food, and hiding under baggy clothes...to the point I didn't know how I felt about myself anymore...

These days, I had to do some serious thinking/reflection, as I am sure this isn't the way to live...and here are my thoughts...

• If I were to give myself a break...gaining 4 kgs in 3 years isn't a lot...if I were to see it the other way round, I gained 1.25++ kgs a year...considering that I've been slacking a lot in exercise and healthy eating...I should be gaining more...
• Gaining weight does not automatically mean there is something wrong with me...it just means that I've to be more careful about what I choose to eat and when...
• People does not dictate the way I feel...I do...so if I allow myself to feel 'fat' through their not-so-appreciated comments, its MY fault...not theirs...
• I am not fat...heck, I'm not even over-weight...I just look chubbier and not-so-toned compared to years before...so maybe I should cut myself some slack...
• Feeling good about one-self is a decision...if I don't learn to love myself, I'll never be happy no matter what people says...all those nice-comments, is a temporal high...
• Chubby self does not make me ugly and unlovable...Negative vibes do...

Actually, I don't have much issue with gaining weight...I don't believe anyone would too...if those damn modeling organizations and fashion magazines didn't make such a big issue about it!!!

Hence, I'll just be happy with myself first, make sure that I exercise consistently...and let nature take care of the rest...

*sigh* I just hope that I'm strong enough to walk my talk...

The Perfect Ironic Circle

*||: I am currently sleep deprived from all the work-load I've allowed myself to take...

From all the work-load I've allowed myself to take, my mind suffers a burn-out, and I am in need to rest my head on my pillow...

But upon resting my head on my pillow, my dreams are filled with worries of not meeting the dateline...

so with all the worries of not meeting the dateline, hence I am not able to sleep and I am currently sleep deprived...:||

*||:-:|| is a repeat sign, in musical terms*

Hence, please feel free to read from top again...

More Information...

My friend tagged me...but instead of writing in the usual questionnaire style, I decided to put it in paragraphs instead...so here goes nothing...

The person I miss most, is buried in Tasmania somewhere getting his music degree...At the moment, I can hear my watch ticking...the fan blasting away at level 5...the creaking of the chair that I'm sitting in...Cindy Goh (not related) was my secondary school classmate...we may share the same surname, but we are definitely of different character...she is more sociable, whereas I am more of a recluse/hermit (take your pick, I couldn't care less)...

I'm facing the usual problems that a working cum studying gal would go through...but for now, I'm getting really irritated at the fact that I have to study the Finale music notation software, when I'm already so used to using the Sibelius music notation one...all thanks to my lecturer who has confessed that he can only function in Finale...

Hmmmm...I wouldn't call 'a long crush' as a waste of time...more often than not, it is me who finds it difficult to move on...or maybe, I'm just not been crushed enough...I'd like to believe that I have good patience when it comes to relationships...that kills me sometimes...and of course, now that I look back, I can see how silly I was...and how I could have handled it better...but I don't regret it...all my crushes (yes, there was more than one...so what..heesh) make me appreciate my guy more and more...and the people who have stood by my side all this while to keep me grounded...

I am going to refrain from commenting on drugs I may or may not have taken...my mum reads my blog...and the last thing I want, is for her to box the daylights out of me...so if you are still curious and wanna know, give me a beep...or even an email...I might reply...MIGHT...

I have got best friends...confidantes, and play-mates, a shoulder to cry on...a listener...the whole package...one is in Penang...and the other, is more than 5,000 km away!!!

I would probably forgive the person who hurt me most...but I'll also probably have to tell him/her..."Things will never be quite the same again...it just doesn't work that way anymore"...accept the apology, but move on...

Well, the guys whom I've had crushes on during secondary school...we don't really keep in contact very much...so no, I don't talk to them much...but that can't be helped...we've got our own lives to lead anyway...but the crushes that I've had in this recent years, had a knack of disappointing me in the end...one even called me a "holy Bitch"...I've decided its a waste of my precious time waiting for losers like that...their lost, my gain...

Hmmm...I guess I have broken hearts before...hearts of really nice guys, whom I hold no special feelings for...but as far as relationships are concern, I am usually the dump-ee, not the dump-er...So its usually my heart that ends up broken...not theirs...

Of course I do care what people thinks of me...certain people...people whom I care and love...I have an unconsious filtering system...from my family to strangers walking down the street...the less closer I am to them, the less I care about what they think about me...Doesn't anyone feels the same?

Hmmmm...well, I can't remember the time my parents last yelled at me...I haven't been back hometown long enough to drive them up the wall...maybe if I did, they'd probably be yelling at me all the time...I don't know...I am proud to say though, that my parents are now able to see me as the young learning adult that I truly am, and we are able to sit down and sort out much of our differences...and still survive it with a smile...I can only remember my mum yelling at me to join them for dinner...lunch...I forgot...but I really wouldn't call it yelling...more of, shouting up the stair-well from ground to first floor, penetrating through closed doors, where I am happily glued to my mp3 player and the volume cranked way high...

I'd be a liar in an angel's suit, if I were to insist I do not hold grudges against anyone...when something bad happens to me, I'd like to blame the whole world except myself...ah, well...doesn't everybody?...but I try not to dwell on it...sometimes, it isn't because I choose to hold on to grudges, but it was because the hurt was so deep...a certain damage is done...and it is difficult to put on a fake smile, and hug that someone with all sincerity...

I'm suppose to practice my piano and violin etudes daily...but as life would have it, I've only practiced my piano this morning...and have yet to touch my violin...a little leisure wouldn't hurt...or would it?...*grin*...

I don't think I've ever come to the extend of hating someone...Dislike or feel uncomfortable with is more like it...the sissy-dumb-blonde image that some girls tend to hold...or a guy with balls for his brains, working out in his gym, shouting cuss words aloud just to get all pump out...they annoy me...

Just for kickers

Welcome to today's social networking of different generations!!!...
Have a great day...

Zits...another classic comic of mine...*grin*...Cheers!!