"You don't look so nice as you did two years ago..."
"Someone has put on weight!!..Must be depression..."
So yes, I ain't gonna deny that I have gained some weight over the couple of years...4 kgs, to be exact...but can you blame me?...Age catches up with you, and you find yourself now unable to eat like a cow, and still maintain your birth weight at the same time...besides, I do not have as much time as before, to exercise religiously and eat healthy...when one is overwhelmed by work-load, one will be bound to break the rules...and just go for short-cut fast foods...
I was slim years ago...not due to genetics, but more of regular exercises...and some people came to me telling me that I would look better, if I'd gain more weight...and now, in year 2008, when I have unwillingly stepped up the weight ladder, there are people making diagnosis that I must be suffering from depression...
I've got to confess, that it did feel good before, listening to comments that I was in shape, would look nice if I BOTHERED dressing better, etc...it made me feel good about myself, the insecure being that I am...and little did I know...I'm falling in a trap that every women on earth is doomed to battle with...
The curse of the century...Weight-consciousness...
It was only of late, that I started feeling irritated concerning this whole issue...to be honest, consistent comments of my weight-gain from my home-church was one of the main reasons I never went back hometown on the weekends...one has got to understand...I used to be a senior musician there...and standing at the pulpit in front of the congregation that goes by hundreds...almost every week...people are bound to recognize me...
I can survive if a couple were to say hello...and say...
"You've gained weight!! What is wrong with you? What happened"?"...
Now...imagine a hundred people saying the same...and no, I ain't exaggerating...being one of the seniors in the youth and worship team, has made me quite memorable to a certain extend...and naturally, they would step forward to welcome me back...I find that somewhat demoralizing...especially when there is an emphasis on the word "wrong"...as if I'm suffering from a disease from Mars...and I'm not sure if I can trust myself to survive those comments emotionally...especially when they come by tens......
What frustrated me, was that the first line following a simple 'hello' is a weight issue...I honestly believe that one reveals a lot about themselves through a conversation...on what goes through their minds daily...and obviously, these few who said hi places importance on physical impression...whatever happened to "How are you coping with your work?", "What are you currently working on at the moment?", "What is the latest in your (not-so-interesting) life?", etc...as ice-breakers?...I'm sure those are more positive and pleasant to talk about than my over-spilling love handles...and drawing a conclusion that I could do with some 'fixing'...
So like many other girls, I started worrying about the way I look...my mood and emotions were dictated by it...when someone comments that I've lost some weight, I'll happily go to the gym to pump for more...yea, I can't believe that I'm actually lapping it up...the sucker that I am...when someone comments otherwise, its back to comfort food, and hiding under baggy clothes...to the point I didn't know how I felt about myself anymore...
These days, I had to do some serious thinking/reflection, as I am sure this isn't the way to live...and here are my thoughts...
Hence, I'll just be happy with myself first, make sure that I exercise consistently...and let nature take care of the rest...
*sigh* I just hope that I'm strong enough to walk my talk...
"Someone has put on weight!!..Must be depression..."
So yes, I ain't gonna deny that I have gained some weight over the couple of years...4 kgs, to be exact...but can you blame me?...Age catches up with you, and you find yourself now unable to eat like a cow, and still maintain your birth weight at the same time...besides, I do not have as much time as before, to exercise religiously and eat healthy...when one is overwhelmed by work-load, one will be bound to break the rules...and just go for short-cut fast foods...
I was slim years ago...not due to genetics, but more of regular exercises...and some people came to me telling me that I would look better, if I'd gain more weight...and now, in year 2008, when I have unwillingly stepped up the weight ladder, there are people making diagnosis that I must be suffering from depression...
I've got to confess, that it did feel good before, listening to comments that I was in shape, would look nice if I BOTHERED dressing better, etc...it made me feel good about myself, the insecure being that I am...and little did I know...I'm falling in a trap that every women on earth is doomed to battle with...
The curse of the century...Weight-consciousness...
It was only of late, that I started feeling irritated concerning this whole issue...to be honest, consistent comments of my weight-gain from my home-church was one of the main reasons I never went back hometown on the weekends...one has got to understand...I used to be a senior musician there...and standing at the pulpit in front of the congregation that goes by hundreds...almost every week...people are bound to recognize me...
I can survive if a couple were to say hello...and say...
"You've gained weight!! What is wrong with you? What happened"?"...
Now...imagine a hundred people saying the same...and no, I ain't exaggerating...being one of the seniors in the youth and worship team, has made me quite memorable to a certain extend...and naturally, they would step forward to welcome me back...I find that somewhat demoralizing...especially when there is an emphasis on the word "wrong"...as if I'm suffering from a disease from Mars...and I'm not sure if I can trust myself to survive those comments emotionally...especially when they come by tens......
What frustrated me, was that the first line following a simple 'hello' is a weight issue...I honestly believe that one reveals a lot about themselves through a conversation...on what goes through their minds daily...and obviously, these few who said hi places importance on physical impression...whatever happened to "How are you coping with your work?", "What are you currently working on at the moment?", "What is the latest in your (not-so-interesting) life?", etc...as ice-breakers?...I'm sure those are more positive and pleasant to talk about than my over-spilling love handles...and drawing a conclusion that I could do with some 'fixing'...
So like many other girls, I started worrying about the way I look...my mood and emotions were dictated by it...when someone comments that I've lost some weight, I'll happily go to the gym to pump for more...yea, I can't believe that I'm actually lapping it up...the sucker that I am...when someone comments otherwise, its back to comfort food, and hiding under baggy clothes...to the point I didn't know how I felt about myself anymore...
These days, I had to do some serious thinking/reflection, as I am sure this isn't the way to live...and here are my thoughts...
- If I were to give myself a break...gaining 4 kgs in 3 years isn't a lot...if I were to see it the other way round, I gained 1.25++ kgs a year...considering that I've been slacking a lot in exercise and healthy eating...I should be gaining more...
- Gaining weight does not automatically mean there is something wrong with me...it just means that I've to be more careful about what I choose to eat and when...
- People does not dictate the way I feel...I do...so if I allow myself to feel 'fat' through their not-so-appreciated comments, its MY fault...not theirs...
- I am not fat...heck, I'm not even over-weight...I just look chubbier and not-so-toned compared to years before...so maybe I should cut myself some slack...
- Feeling good about one-self is a decision...if I don't learn to love myself, I'll never be happy no matter what people says...all those nice-comments, is a temporal high...
- Chubby self does not make me ugly and unlovable...Negative vibes do...
Hence, I'll just be happy with myself first, make sure that I exercise consistently...and let nature take care of the rest...
*sigh* I just hope that I'm strong enough to walk my talk...
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