I once had a close friend that was dear to me...
She has been hurt much, and there has been many times I cried for her...as she shares with me, her personal problems and her struggles, I feel her pain...and yet, I know that I am not the person to counsel her...God knows, that her pain is way past the surface...and would need a qualified counselor to get her through this well...all I could do, was be her friend...be there for her when she needs me...be her shoulder to cry on when she calls...and keep her in my prayers as I bid the night goodbye...
That was in year 2003...about 6 years ago...through the years, she has been loved...many friends gave her care...lend her an ear...gave her shelter, for a moment's escape...prayed for her...as for me, we grew closer as the years passed...at first, I felt that she demanded a lot of my time...meeting her a couple of times a week, and 3 hours in average, each date...but I managed to convince myself that it was worth the sacrifice, as she goes through emotional healing...
Time passed, and I thought that she was be strong enough to stand on her own. to feet..I believed that she was...it seemed as if she was...as months passed, I decided to draw clearer and clearer lines about our meets, and the time that we could spend together...I was in KL then, studying and working full time...not to forget that every leisure minute I have, I have to spend them on piano and violin practices, and extra band rehearsals...I was physically and emotionally drained...so it came to an agreement that we would meet once a month, and when I am on my college break...
This went on for 3 years...there were times I were not able to answer her calls, or reply her messages immediately, as I was either in class, or working...and doing so, would reflect my un-professional-istic ways...so while waiting for my call/reply, the demon would brew thoughts of insecurity within her...and I would then re-organize my words, and explain my situation nicely...so that she would know that I still do care for her...
She understood my situation...or so she says...for after some time, she messaged me to tell her that I have hurt her too many times that she could not continue with the friendship no more...and that was that...that hurt me...and hurt me deep...I kept quiet...and explained to her, that although I felt disappointed, I accepted her decision...
It was only then, that she replied saying that it wasn't her intention to end the friendship, but it was a way she used to "get my attention"...unknowingly, that hurt me even more...it made me feel cheap...and I didn't know what to think...I admit that I am quite naive and idealistic in many ways...and that is my downfall...She wanted to continue the friendship, but my heart isn't wanting...my mind tells me to "forgive and forget" as she asked of me...but it was easier said than done...Forgiving wouldn't be my biggest hurdle, but fear...so I kept quiet...
I was tired...I still am...I recall back the many times she shares her frustration and rants...to date, I realized that many a times, the issue isn't only with the people that hurt her...but is the fact that I feel, she is still gripping hard to the past...sometimes, I wonder if she unconsciously feels happy holding people guilty sometimes...I know it is cruel of me to think that way...
I came to that conclusion, because of the situation that is before me...she says that I have hurt her much, by not spending time with her...but I did and have made it clear, that since I am being more occupied with my studies and work; I would not be able to spend as much time as I did before...when I was gallivanting my time away...she says she understood...but if she did, I believe that she would not feel the need to seek my attention as she did...but ah, I am not a shrink, so who am I to say...
And now, she has taken a step further, and tried to commit suicide...I am not sure how, but that was the message she sent me...the latest news is that she went for another counseling, and discovered that she was suffering from self-rejection...and she would be going through another bout of healing...
So here is my confession....
6 years ago, I cried for her...I allowed her to enter my life...and I symphatized with her...no matter how much the time it required of me, it didn't matter...as long as she was heard...and knows that she is loved...friends and counselors came to help...and I knew she was in good hands...
But it looks like, emotionally...nothing significant has changed after all...she is still hurting...and depressed...even to the point of suicide...the circle continues...
Last time, I would rush to her, at every call, every cry...today...I find myself hesitating...holding back, just a bit...I feel like a jerk, for even wondering...could she be trying to get people's attention??...
I want to believe she isn't...but my thoughts can't deceive me...
Now, I am beating myself up...I wish I could be there for her...to tell her that I care...that she needs to hang on tight...that I would want to help her...
But I hold on to the telephone...I am not the person that she needs...her pain, isn't something I am capable of handling...as much as I would want to lend a hand...I am not sure I can trust her with my heart...not the way I have in the past, anyway...
I see friendships in black and white...if I can get along with that person, he/she holds my heart...110 percent...I may not keep in touch with everyone of them...sometimes even for years, but they are in my thoughts...and for those I decided that is not worth my while (jerks of wat-nots), I would not even bother saying a sincere hi...so call me a snob...I believe my definition of friendship will be clearer as I see more of the world...but it will stand as it is now...
I feel like crap, being caught in this dillemma...for any friend, I would have stayed by their side...and fight for them...then why do I find myself hesitating??...
This is one that I can't sort out...or at least, I am afraid of the answer, that I may already know...but may not be ready to admit...
She has been hurt much, and there has been many times I cried for her...as she shares with me, her personal problems and her struggles, I feel her pain...and yet, I know that I am not the person to counsel her...God knows, that her pain is way past the surface...and would need a qualified counselor to get her through this well...all I could do, was be her friend...be there for her when she needs me...be her shoulder to cry on when she calls...and keep her in my prayers as I bid the night goodbye...
That was in year 2003...about 6 years ago...through the years, she has been loved...many friends gave her care...lend her an ear...gave her shelter, for a moment's escape...prayed for her...as for me, we grew closer as the years passed...at first, I felt that she demanded a lot of my time...meeting her a couple of times a week, and 3 hours in average, each date...but I managed to convince myself that it was worth the sacrifice, as she goes through emotional healing...
Time passed, and I thought that she was be strong enough to stand on her own. to feet..I believed that she was...it seemed as if she was...as months passed, I decided to draw clearer and clearer lines about our meets, and the time that we could spend together...I was in KL then, studying and working full time...not to forget that every leisure minute I have, I have to spend them on piano and violin practices, and extra band rehearsals...I was physically and emotionally drained...so it came to an agreement that we would meet once a month, and when I am on my college break...
This went on for 3 years...there were times I were not able to answer her calls, or reply her messages immediately, as I was either in class, or working...and doing so, would reflect my un-professional-istic ways...so while waiting for my call/reply, the demon would brew thoughts of insecurity within her...and I would then re-organize my words, and explain my situation nicely...so that she would know that I still do care for her...
She understood my situation...or so she says...for after some time, she messaged me to tell her that I have hurt her too many times that she could not continue with the friendship no more...and that was that...that hurt me...and hurt me deep...I kept quiet...and explained to her, that although I felt disappointed, I accepted her decision...
It was only then, that she replied saying that it wasn't her intention to end the friendship, but it was a way she used to "get my attention"...unknowingly, that hurt me even more...it made me feel cheap...and I didn't know what to think...I admit that I am quite naive and idealistic in many ways...and that is my downfall...She wanted to continue the friendship, but my heart isn't wanting...my mind tells me to "forgive and forget" as she asked of me...but it was easier said than done...Forgiving wouldn't be my biggest hurdle, but fear...so I kept quiet...
I was tired...I still am...I recall back the many times she shares her frustration and rants...to date, I realized that many a times, the issue isn't only with the people that hurt her...but is the fact that I feel, she is still gripping hard to the past...sometimes, I wonder if she unconsciously feels happy holding people guilty sometimes...I know it is cruel of me to think that way...
I came to that conclusion, because of the situation that is before me...she says that I have hurt her much, by not spending time with her...but I did and have made it clear, that since I am being more occupied with my studies and work; I would not be able to spend as much time as I did before...when I was gallivanting my time away...she says she understood...but if she did, I believe that she would not feel the need to seek my attention as she did...but ah, I am not a shrink, so who am I to say...
And now, she has taken a step further, and tried to commit suicide...I am not sure how, but that was the message she sent me...the latest news is that she went for another counseling, and discovered that she was suffering from self-rejection...and she would be going through another bout of healing...
So here is my confession....
6 years ago, I cried for her...I allowed her to enter my life...and I symphatized with her...no matter how much the time it required of me, it didn't matter...as long as she was heard...and knows that she is loved...friends and counselors came to help...and I knew she was in good hands...
But it looks like, emotionally...nothing significant has changed after all...she is still hurting...and depressed...even to the point of suicide...the circle continues...
Last time, I would rush to her, at every call, every cry...today...I find myself hesitating...holding back, just a bit...I feel like a jerk, for even wondering...could she be trying to get people's attention??...
I want to believe she isn't...but my thoughts can't deceive me...
Now, I am beating myself up...I wish I could be there for her...to tell her that I care...that she needs to hang on tight...that I would want to help her...
But I hold on to the telephone...I am not the person that she needs...her pain, isn't something I am capable of handling...as much as I would want to lend a hand...I am not sure I can trust her with my heart...not the way I have in the past, anyway...
I see friendships in black and white...if I can get along with that person, he/she holds my heart...110 percent...I may not keep in touch with everyone of them...sometimes even for years, but they are in my thoughts...and for those I decided that is not worth my while (jerks of wat-nots), I would not even bother saying a sincere hi...so call me a snob...I believe my definition of friendship will be clearer as I see more of the world...but it will stand as it is now...
I feel like crap, being caught in this dillemma...for any friend, I would have stayed by their side...and fight for them...then why do I find myself hesitating??...
This is one that I can't sort out...or at least, I am afraid of the answer, that I may already know...but may not be ready to admit...
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