Dearest
I am not going to mention names here, as this isn't the issue, nor is it important...I am not writing this post on my blog, just so I could see you humiliated...and just so you know, this ain't a people-bashing post either...I just need a place to vent out, a place to sort out my thoughts...I would need to have this talk with you sooner or later...but I'd thought that writing it down, would keep me emotionally sane...and I may not come to sound too offensive later...
I have finally come to the point that I realized, keeping numb isn't a choice anymore, hoping that everything will one day blow away and resolve itself...the way I see it, it is starting to destroy our relationship from within, and soon, I can foresee that it would erode beyond repair...I would have lost you...and that isn't what I want at all...
There is still so much more, I feel, that we need to understand of each other especially when it comes to the definition of a relationship...the care and concern that you shower on me, for that, I am truly thankful...you have given so much more, than anyone would have asked for...you and I knew, that I would never have done what you have done for me...
For me, my gift to my friends and my family, is my time...despite my busy schedule, whenever you decide to meet up, I have kept to all the appointments (except once, but that was due to unforeseen circumstances)...I didn't like it when you questioned my sincerity and said that I could have had better controlled my time, when the 'circumstance' happened...all these...without giving me a chance to explain...I felt insulted...it is not as if I have missed our appointments all the time...
Keep in mind, I have even made it a point, to let you know in advance, the times that I will be returning to hometown, just so that we are able to schedule a meet up session...and I must say, even my mum does not have that privilege...For that, I am truly ashamed...my mum, bonded to me by blood...and yet, the only time I spare for her, is right after I have met with you...which is only a few minutes before she heads to bed...without realizing, I have acted like a complete jerk...and at many times given you priority over my family...they said nothing...
Not that you have not, of course...you have always mentioned that you have treasured me over your siblings...and though I may not agree with that train of thought, I respect you and how you feel...but like I have always said, I am a completely different individual, and am not able to respond to you the same way you do me...
It is only now, though...that I just felt I've been slapped on the face...Chinese New Year is coming, a time where all the family and relatives will come together for a reunion...you would be going back to your family, and I will go back to mine... Why would you then, ask me the biggest favour of all time...to spend reunion dinner with your family and not mine??...I know that you having good intentions, wanting me to get to know your family...but on Chinese New Year Eve??...or even on the first day of Chinese New Year itself?...or probably you have forgotten that I have a family of my own to go back to...
I sent you a message to apologize for not being able to attend your reunion dinner, and you took it harshly...even to the point, that you say I am "hurting you again and again", by rejecting your offer...but do you realize that if I were to join your family on the reunion table, I would then be expected to turn my back on both my parents and siblings??...
Chinese New Year gatherings, isn't something that I take lightly...and as much as you consider me part of your family, protocol calls for me to go back to my family...I respect your parents and family for who they are...and like I said, I would not mind joining you guys for any other dinners, but this special occasion is definitely not one of it...
I hate to say it, but it does seem to me...that things are really getting out of hand...should you feel hurt, that I have rejected your dinner offer, then allow me to say that I too, am hurt that you, despite having known the significance of CNY reunions, still chose to ask me to attend your own family reunion dinner...as if my family does not matter at all...and by not taking my rejection well and understanding, I feel as if you are asking me to do the impossible, putting you, over my family..I would never in my life, have placed you in such a position...that would just be completely unfair...wouldn't you agree?
I don't know about you, but on my part...I am emotionally tired...your messages have always managed to make me feel guilty for not being able to give you the same attention that you would give me...and at the end of the day, I would feel like crap...but the truth is, there isn't one day where I would not worry that the things I say/do would hurt or affect you in some unpleasant ways...it drives me crazy at times...
One can smell trouble a mile away, especially when I feel my energy level drop drastically, just the very thought of you...when I don't feel like answering your calls, because I feel it like to be an interrogation...I have felt this way all these years, but I decided to bear with it, as I know that you meant well...
If I had a choice, I would want to save this relationship...but God knows, I am worn down and broken...I guess all these years of "sweeping it under the carpet" has finally taken its toll...I am done with having to consider how you would feel or react, every time I do something...and even to summon my strength to explain my point of view on why I do certain things...
For now, I need a break...and a peaceful CNY...
Probably its better for the both of us, if I do not approach you just as yet...maybe later...
I am not going to mention names here, as this isn't the issue, nor is it important...I am not writing this post on my blog, just so I could see you humiliated...and just so you know, this ain't a people-bashing post either...I just need a place to vent out, a place to sort out my thoughts...I would need to have this talk with you sooner or later...but I'd thought that writing it down, would keep me emotionally sane...and I may not come to sound too offensive later...
I have finally come to the point that I realized, keeping numb isn't a choice anymore, hoping that everything will one day blow away and resolve itself...the way I see it, it is starting to destroy our relationship from within, and soon, I can foresee that it would erode beyond repair...I would have lost you...and that isn't what I want at all...
There is still so much more, I feel, that we need to understand of each other especially when it comes to the definition of a relationship...the care and concern that you shower on me, for that, I am truly thankful...you have given so much more, than anyone would have asked for...you and I knew, that I would never have done what you have done for me...
For me, my gift to my friends and my family, is my time...despite my busy schedule, whenever you decide to meet up, I have kept to all the appointments (except once, but that was due to unforeseen circumstances)...I didn't like it when you questioned my sincerity and said that I could have had better controlled my time, when the 'circumstance' happened...all these...without giving me a chance to explain...I felt insulted...it is not as if I have missed our appointments all the time...
Keep in mind, I have even made it a point, to let you know in advance, the times that I will be returning to hometown, just so that we are able to schedule a meet up session...and I must say, even my mum does not have that privilege...For that, I am truly ashamed...my mum, bonded to me by blood...and yet, the only time I spare for her, is right after I have met with you...which is only a few minutes before she heads to bed...without realizing, I have acted like a complete jerk...and at many times given you priority over my family...they said nothing...
Not that you have not, of course...you have always mentioned that you have treasured me over your siblings...and though I may not agree with that train of thought, I respect you and how you feel...but like I have always said, I am a completely different individual, and am not able to respond to you the same way you do me...
It is only now, though...that I just felt I've been slapped on the face...Chinese New Year is coming, a time where all the family and relatives will come together for a reunion...you would be going back to your family, and I will go back to mine... Why would you then, ask me the biggest favour of all time...to spend reunion dinner with your family and not mine??...I know that you having good intentions, wanting me to get to know your family...but on Chinese New Year Eve??...or even on the first day of Chinese New Year itself?...or probably you have forgotten that I have a family of my own to go back to...
I sent you a message to apologize for not being able to attend your reunion dinner, and you took it harshly...even to the point, that you say I am "hurting you again and again", by rejecting your offer...but do you realize that if I were to join your family on the reunion table, I would then be expected to turn my back on both my parents and siblings??...
Chinese New Year gatherings, isn't something that I take lightly...and as much as you consider me part of your family, protocol calls for me to go back to my family...I respect your parents and family for who they are...and like I said, I would not mind joining you guys for any other dinners, but this special occasion is definitely not one of it...
I hate to say it, but it does seem to me...that things are really getting out of hand...should you feel hurt, that I have rejected your dinner offer, then allow me to say that I too, am hurt that you, despite having known the significance of CNY reunions, still chose to ask me to attend your own family reunion dinner...as if my family does not matter at all...and by not taking my rejection well and understanding, I feel as if you are asking me to do the impossible, putting you, over my family..I would never in my life, have placed you in such a position...that would just be completely unfair...wouldn't you agree?
I don't know about you, but on my part...I am emotionally tired...your messages have always managed to make me feel guilty for not being able to give you the same attention that you would give me...and at the end of the day, I would feel like crap...but the truth is, there isn't one day where I would not worry that the things I say/do would hurt or affect you in some unpleasant ways...it drives me crazy at times...
One can smell trouble a mile away, especially when I feel my energy level drop drastically, just the very thought of you...when I don't feel like answering your calls, because I feel it like to be an interrogation...I have felt this way all these years, but I decided to bear with it, as I know that you meant well...
If I had a choice, I would want to save this relationship...but God knows, I am worn down and broken...I guess all these years of "sweeping it under the carpet" has finally taken its toll...I am done with having to consider how you would feel or react, every time I do something...and even to summon my strength to explain my point of view on why I do certain things...
For now, I need a break...and a peaceful CNY...
Probably its better for the both of us, if I do not approach you just as yet...maybe later...
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