Loves and wat-nots...

What I love about Chinese New Year..

The opera dances...

The decorations...

The Chinese drum performance...

The fireworks....

The Lion Dance...


and of course... The Chinese New Year is never complete without...





the ang pows!!!
(little red packets with bits of money in it...*grin*)

Have yourself a Happy Chinese New Year!!!...

Modernism vs culture...

Ah...you've got to love and hate celebrations at the same time...this is the time where food takes a strong presence in celebratory festivities...

Chinese New Year (CNY), especially...there is always another reason to put aside one's diet, isn't there...*grin*...These are one of those times when weight-watchers are put to the test...(not me!!!...hehe...)...and most often then not, they fail to prevail...

My holidays have finally started...*yipee!!!*...the excitement mounting, adrenaline pumping...its almost like I am rolling up my sleeves, and getting ready to sprint run...towards the multi-course culinary feast, that is!!!...

My family does not really celebrate CNY in a very big way, though...While neighbours lavishly decorate their houses with traditional red paper lanterns, poetic couplets written on red paper, repaint their houses, etc...mine would just go through the normal routine of giving the house a mega-cleaning up...you hardly see much red in my house...the only tell-tale of the celebration would be the shamelessly large amount of food, stored up for the event...*grin*

(Note : colour RED is believed to be able to scare away evil spirits and bad fortunes)...

If it wasn't for grandma, we wouldn't be observing the taboos and superstitions so strictly...while we have nothing against superstitions, my grandma would create the most embarrassing commotion should we ignore any of them...leaving the entire family all tensed up...so we would usually humour her a little, and try to keep to the taboos as much as we can...

Man, come to think of it, I can barely remember all the superstitions that I was not suppose to forget...erm...

• purchasing new clothes, enough to last the 14 day celebration (my family only buys enough to last ONE day),
  
• no using of scissors and knifes (for fear it will cut away fortune and prosperity),
  
• no cleaning of house on the first day of New Year,
  
• no washing of hair on the first day New Year as well...(it is believed to be washing away your own luck)...of course, I would insistently argue then...that modern hygenic concerns should and will take precedence over this tradition...hence, have been ignoring this taboo all these years...much to grandma's despair...
• no purchasing of books as the word 'book' in Cantonese sounds all too similar to the word 'lose'...I almost always forget that, unfortunately...

Of course, there are other superstitions that I hardly keep...bathing myself in pomelo leaves, for example...that is suppose to keep me healthy for the rest of the years...personally, I believe that I am what I 'invest' in me...should I decide to drown myself in whisky and alcohol, increase my junk food consumption, ignore my gym membership, not keep up with personal hygiene, poison myself with cocaine...even bathing myself in a house-fill pomelo leaves and aromatherapy would not save me...

Now that I think of it, I am not sure if living in ignorance and bliss about our Chinese superstitions is actually a good thing...I am not saying that I believe bad luck would befall on me, just because I should forget any of this traditions...but I feel that these traditions outline our Chinese culture...our very identity, brought from the past...

Probably I should try keeping to these superstitions, not just to seal my grandma's nagging...but also with a hope that my children, and my children's children will also have a chance to remember their roots, and have a certain connection with their (almost diminishing) ancient culture...

I'm just saying...

Dearest

I am not going to mention names here, as this isn't the issue, nor is it important...I am not writing this post on my blog, just so I could see you humiliated...and just so you know, this ain't a people-bashing post either...I just need a place to vent out, a place to sort out my thoughts...I would need to have this talk with you sooner or later...but I'd thought that writing it down, would keep me emotionally sane...and I may not come to sound too offensive later...

I have finally come to the point that I realized, keeping numb isn't a choice anymore, hoping that everything will one day blow away and resolve itself...the way I see it, it is starting to destroy our relationship from within, and soon, I can foresee that it would erode beyond repair...I would have lost you...and that isn't what I want at all...

There is still so much more, I feel, that we need to understand of each other especially when it comes to the definition of a relationship...the care and concern that you shower on me, for that, I am truly thankful...you have given so much more, than anyone would have asked for...you and I knew, that I would never have done what you have done for me...

For me, my gift to my friends and my family, is my time...despite my busy schedule, whenever you decide to meet up, I have kept to all the appointments (except once, but that was due to unforeseen circumstances)...I didn't like it when you questioned my sincerity and said that I could have had better controlled my time, when the 'circumstance' happened...all these...without giving me a chance to explain...I felt insulted...it is not as if I have missed our appointments all the time...

Keep in mind, I have even made it a point, to let you know in advance, the times that I will be returning to hometown, just so that we are able to schedule a meet up session...and I must say, even my mum does not have that privilege...For that, I am truly ashamed...my mum, bonded to me by blood...and yet, the only time I spare for her, is right after I have met with you...which is only a few minutes before she heads to bed...without realizing, I have acted like a complete jerk...and at many times given you priority over my family...they said nothing...

Not that you have not, of course...you have always mentioned that you have treasured me over your siblings...and though I may not agree with that train of thought, I respect you and how you feel...but like I have always said, I am a completely different individual, and am not able to respond to you the same way you do me...

It is only now, though...that I just felt I've been slapped on the face...Chinese New Year is coming, a time where all the family and relatives will come together for a reunion...you would be going back to your family, and I will go back to mine... Why would you then, ask me the biggest favour of all time...to spend reunion dinner with your family and not mine??...I know that you having good intentions, wanting me to get to know your family...but on Chinese New Year Eve??...or even on the first day of Chinese New Year itself?...or probably you have forgotten that I have a family of my own to go back to...

I sent you a message to apologize for not being able to attend your reunion dinner, and you took it harshly...even to the point, that you say I am "hurting you again and again", by rejecting your offer...but do you realize that if I were to join your family on the reunion table, I would then be expected to turn my back on both my parents and siblings??...

Chinese New Year gatherings, isn't something that I take lightly...and as much as you consider me part of your family, protocol calls for me to go back to my family...I respect your parents and family for who they are...and like I said, I would not mind joining you guys for any other dinners, but this special occasion is definitely not one of it...

I hate to say it, but it does seem to me...that things are really getting out of hand...should you feel hurt, that I have rejected your dinner offer, then allow me to say that I too, am hurt that you, despite having known the significance of CNY reunions, still chose to ask me to attend your own family reunion dinner...as if my family does not matter at all...and by not taking my rejection well and understanding, I feel as if you are asking me to do the impossible, putting you, over my family..I would never in my life, have placed you in such a position...that would just be completely unfair...wouldn't you agree?

I don't know about you, but on my part...I am emotionally tired...your messages have always managed to make me feel guilty for not being able to give you the same attention that you would give me...and at the end of the day, I would feel like crap...but the truth is, there isn't one day where I would not worry that the things I say/do would hurt or affect you in some unpleasant ways...it drives me crazy at times...

One can smell trouble a mile away, especially when I feel my energy level drop drastically, just the very thought of you...when I don't feel like answering your calls, because I feel it like to be an interrogation...I have felt this way all these years, but I decided to bear with it, as I know that you meant well...

If I had a choice, I would want to save this relationship...but God knows, I am worn down and broken...I guess all these years of "sweeping it under the carpet" has finally taken its toll...I am done with having to consider how you would feel or react, every time I do something...and even to summon my strength to explain my point of view on why I do certain things...

For now, I need a break...and a peaceful CNY...

Probably its better for the both of us, if I do not approach you just as yet...maybe later...

I've been scaring myself silly lately...not that I am doing it on purpose, of course...but these strange dreams that gets my adrenaline pumping good all the time...

On top of dreaming about losing my tooth, just less than 12 hours back, I dream about multiple forming tornadoes forming (it is amazing how clear tornado formation is, in my dream...I've never seen one live before!!!)...and the desperation of looking for my brothers...(yea, a nightmare in the middle of an afternoon nap...I had to catch my ZZZzzzzz...I hardly caught any last night)...

Both evoked strong emotions...stretching my mental strength...depriving me of a fit sleep...probably something is unsettled at heart...or maybe, there is something I am afraid of, but am not aware of it yet...

Either way, I have issues...

I lost a tooth...

I lost a tooth...no, 4 teeth actually...four front teeth...at first, I was messing with my teeth, using my tongue, when they felt loose...I looked into the mirror...and there it was...four of my front teeth (two up, and two down), were on the verge of decay...to the point that those teeth were half gone, and all you could see was discoloration and black spots...not at all pleasant to look at...

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I would never have let this bother me if this dream were to happen once in a while...it freaks me out, of course...the helplessness, and the horror of having a gap in my smile...scary, I'd tell ya...

But it has been happening two nights in a row now...and many times before...I dreamt about losing my teeth just the night before...and yesterday night, I dreamt that the dentist couldn't attend to me, despite me having made an appointment (strange, isn't it?...how my dreams continue a similar pattern night after night...its like a telly drama, with seasons and episodes in it...*grin*)...and I was frantically looking for another dentist available, just so I could do my teeth...in that process, I dreamt that I left my purse in the car...and when I came back, I found my credit card, driving license, etc...missing...

Man, it felt so real, that I was crying...LITERALLY...

Dreams about lost of teeth, is quite opened to interpretation actually...Sigmund Freud would choose to interpret dreams of these sort, as a over-powering guilt of masturbation (that guy always relates everything to sexual activities, doesn't he??)...while I have nothing against masturbation...I'll have you know that sexual activites does not haunt my daily activities...so I will outwardly discredit that from my case...that sexual moron!!...

(Legal Disclaimer : If you didn't know already, I am an anti-Freud person to a certain extend....well, as far as dream analysis are concerned..I am just not able to accept that everything I dream of, would be a message of my unchecked sexual suppression and lust...why does everything I do, would have to be linked to that idea?...I must say, though...I don't know Freud very much to continue ranting about this matter, so I'll leave it at that)

If you ask me, a non-psychologist, I would choose to relate my dreams of losing teeth, to a certain form of anxiety...in this case, a fear of dentist...well, I am not afraid of THEM...but those cruel drilling tools that they use...the sound, when they penetrate into my tooth enamel, the constant digging...never left a good imprint in my mind...

In other words, I am also suffering anxiety of losing my actual teeth, since I have a fear of dentist, and never made it a habit to get my teeth checked on a regular basis...it has been 3 years since I have last had a check with my dentist (that was because I was getting my braces off)...and I am afraid that if I were to check into one now, I will find many things wrong with me...There is also a mark on my tooth that is bothering me at times...some say that it was an after-effect of taking too much meds...others say that it could be an early sign of cavity...either way, the fact that fixing it, would require those grossy drilling tools...is enough to scare the day-lights out of me...

Nevertheless, I have taken prompt action, by making an appointment with the dentist, this coming Sunday...We'll see if this plays into my subconscious tonight...

For anyone who needs a laugh...

I know I do...*grin*

Are you kidding ME???!!!!

Note : This happened a couple of months ago, but I could never bring myself to post it up, as I found it a tad too depressing...so here it goes nothing...

She always had the best relationships with food, as far as she could recall...thanking God for blessing her with good genes, that enabled her to gulp down any amount of food, of different varieties without a second thought...though she dislikes the sight of raw-eggs, she was also grateful for the fact that she isn't allergic to any sort of food...and have been able to enjoy a humongous range of food for her 20 plus years of life...

Cheese...especially...ah, the food of the gods...God's second best gift to human race...Cheese...*salivates...*

If there ever was one food that she would have chosen to eat for the rest of her life...well, besides seafood, ....cheese would be it...

She loves cheese...she really does...She could never turn cheese down...ever...In fact, if anyone were to ask her what she would like for her b'day/Christmas/Valentine, etc...it would be a bouquet of roses, and a large box of cheese...more cheddar cheese, if you please...a Danish blue cheese would be a great addition...oh ya, throw in a Limburger cheese as well, for personal touch... (the list of demands never stop, does it?)

The taste...you can't miss it...the tangy flavor that is bound to drive your taste bud all loony and bonkers...Nachos with cheese paste, enchiladas, grilled cheese sandwiches...French fries too...cheese cakes...a perfect compliment to a glass of red wine...the full sense of its deep, sour-ish spasms inter-twined with a mild twinge of saltiness before it mingles with the alcohol and slides right down your throat...leaving an aftertaste...your taste buds yearning for fresh supplies...is there a more perfect food that that??...

Then there came the fateful day...she could have never seen it coming...even if she had, she wouldn't have believed it...impossible to comprehend...20 plus years of enjoyment coming to a halt...

She threw up...

Real bad...

Took note that it only happened after she devours a big pan of pizza, or spagetthi with mozerella cheese...or a small tea-spoon of marble cheese cake...

Went to the docs after a week of continuous throwing up sessions...(well, she did have several takes of cheese that week...every alternate day, actually)

"Hmmm (gives her this wise-arse look)...cheese seems to be the culprit here...I think you should stop eating anything cheese-based...your stomach doesn't seem to be producing enough enzimes to break it down...hence your throwing up..."

"@%$#(&^#$@*&#$#%^#*@#$*!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Tragic, you would say??...It is a CATASTROPHE, that's what it is!!!...

~ feeling extremely short-changed...

CBKD

I have always managed to convince myself...though there are countless books that I have purchased and yet not read, I will still be able to catch up with my reading when I retire...yea, and Samy Vellu will be Prime Minister tomorrow...heard the latest news?? (...Man, I've not posted anything on this guy for eons!!!)...

I was just thinking...if I were to compile all the books that I have YET to read, from every corner of my house, I suspect that I will be looking at quite a number of trees that I have deprived Mother Nature of, and having wasted gallons of poisonous printer ink...

My books can be found in all crook and nooks of the house, starting from my room (back in hometown), to my brother's, my parents, my washroom, the dining area, the living room, car, and to my dad's house in Kuala Lumpur...and my room here...My mum have persistently said that I should start 'giving them away so that it can benefit others'...but I have never done so...

I suspect I am suffering from CBKD = Compulsive Book Keeping Disorder...

Yes, so what if I made up those acronym on my own just a while ago...it may not be in the Biology books for now...but someday it will find its way there, for sure...someday...if there is ever such a disease, I am positive I have it...

I keep...

Books that are page-turners, because I may feel the urge to read it again one day...

Books that taught me something...because I may need to reminded of the lessons I've learned...

Books that has followed me since childhood...because I might just want to go back being a kid one day...

Books that were given to me as present...for its sentimental value...they may be a crappiest books ever sold...but I'll still hang on to it...

Books that are boring, because I might just need them, should I have difficulty sleeping...

Books that are expensive, because of the price I've paid for them...

Books that smell good...because...well, because they are MINE, of course!!!...

This is a shameful thing to say...but with so many trees sitting in my house, I am very much guilty of the fact, that at least one tree, has died for baseless reasons...me accumulating a collection of books, that I know I may or will never touch...

At this rate, I'll probably need to just stop working tomorrow...and spend my remaining years reading one book every few days...so the trees would have lived an accomplished life...and so would I...And what's best is, thanks to my ever-fading memory, I may never need to buy another book ever again...I would just need to 'eeny-minny-minnie-moe' through my old books, and voila!!!...I am bound to find one, that my memory cease to remember...and it would be as if, I am reading a fresh material once more...

I hate this...you may laugh...but I am not a wasteful person by nature...so looking at all these books starving of love and attention, does prick my side a little...well, a lot...Hence, I will now devise a plan to reduce the ever-growing mountain by...putting a book in my car, and bathroom...so I could finish off a couple of lines when I have an appointment with nature...but yes, I know that isn't the best option...but it will have to do for now...

Maybe I should just stop reading book reviews...

Stop dropping by the book-store every time I visit a shopping mall...

Go cold turkey for the early half of this year...or until I have finished reading the books that are currently in my possession...

Go through all my books, and see if there are books that I don't plan on reading anytime soon...and give them away...

yea...M-A-Y-B-E...

Btw, the next book I am planning to get...Mein Kampf (English translated), by Adolf Hitler himself!!!...well, I know its available online...but I'd like to have it on hard cover so that I'd....Oops...

Something about Friendster/Facebook...

I'm sure all of you guys have an online profile...Friendster, at least...or even Facebook, or similar likes...filling the cyberworld with information of how amazingly unique you are, by doing exactly what the rest of the world is doing...

I was just looking at a couple of my friend's online profile today...and checking out friends of theirs as well...when I suddenly realized, something of a common line, found in most of the online profiles...These people can really be complete posers!!!...These really, really self absorbed individuals, take their picture of their faces (only)...while staring wistfully into space...portraying endearing emotions.. dramatic make-up...some even porn-like... depressed, or even cute, pout-y, slutry looks...well, a couple of photos of these sort, I can probably take...I try to think of it as, they trying to explore the artistic side of their photography...but ONE HUNDRED PHOTOS???!!!...

And it gets worse...not contented with single photos of themselves...they have to assemble these 100 photos of their ever-so-beautiful faces into a collage of some sort...so that when one checks are their photos, they are completely swarmed by a gazillion different camera angles of their eyebrows, facial hair, flakey skin, nostrils, pimples, etc...etc...

I take it, that they are so opened about themselves, they want to share with you every details of their physic body, which includes their facial features...but this is just a tad too much...how annoying...

I have a male friend whom I have known back in high school...where he placed a photo of a guy (not him, mind you) that has smooth skin, Naruto-like hair, and has a dangerous, bad boy air around him...absolutely gorgeous looking...And when I checked out his profile, you can see through testimonials, after testimonials, many (especially girls) calling him, 'hot', 'super-licious', 'sexy thing' etc...all bordering on the pronographic...I mean, how freakin' desperate can you get???....btw, this friend of mine is just a normal ah-beng uncle, who sells pirated DVDs to the night...sells pirated computer CDs by morning...and is no way a hottie, Brad Pitt kind of way...

(For privacy purposes, I decided not to reveal his name...he is afterall, still my high-school friend...as much a fraud he is in cyber-space, what he does online, isn't of my business...and I will keep it at that...)

Of course, online profiles do have their perks as well...but it is sad how many people overdo it...I have seen friends of mine, have MULTIPLE friendster accounts...overloaded profiles and blogs, each one detailing their personal life to the second...and they have thousands of friends...

But this is my two cents thought...if one has more than 150 friends, he/she can be considered a celebrity with a small fan club of their own...and he/she no longer need an online profile...heesh...I mean, how many friends can one actually catch up with??...So, do people like me a favour...stick to about 100 friends or so...and pass the rest to me,alright..I need to update my social network too...

Some (mostly girls, sad to say)...are what I call...Facebook Whores...making a career out of clicking on the Facebook link...I met up with one of them, and upon expressing my dis-interest in facebook, she gave me a look, that could have suggested that I might as well just have defecated, vomited and spat on her bed...

But I will stand firm on my beliefs...I personally think that we homo-sapiens have been spending too much time at home with our white box...I would prefer a personal touch...talk to an actual living person...one that breathes...gossip a bit...do something worth while...hug a bit more...spread a bit more love...

Can you imagine...60 years down the line, on their death bed, people will no longer say, "I wish I have had spend more time in the office"....but "I wish I have had spend more time online"...how pathetic can that be?...what kind of existance is that??...Or one telling their grandchildren..."Oh, do you know, my ever suffering grandchildren...that your grandpapa had an awesome online profile at your age...I even jazzed up my HTML on Friendster, so that it sung a tune, while people are checking out my profile!!...can't believe that your grandpapa was that cool, eh?...Look at what you are doing now...tsk...tsk..."

Talking about that...I've spent too much time online...almost an hour, to be exact...I need to walk my talk now...and get out of my house...

And so should you...*winks*...

Letting Go.....

A brand new year...and hopefully, with improved habits...

I could start this post by stating the list of reasons of why I have been infrequently posting these past few months...and while I am at it, I would probably add that I have been traveling back to hometown more often, last month especially...and there weren't any internet line...my family isn't too big on Broadband/Streamyx stuff...The majority of the blame, would fall on my internship, which I was slogging to ace and pass, so that I could get a good credit on my paper...Results isn't out yet, so I am still trying to keep my fingers crossed...

But of course, nobody likes to read a post that starts with tonnes of insincere apologies and claims of how busy their lives have been...

So I'll just keep it short and simple...I have not been blogging, because I couldn't get myself to put my thinking cap on, and think about a blog entry...hence, my disappearing act...I've been suffering a lazy bone lately...

I envy people/authors/bloggers, who are able to write effortlessly...their brain juice are seemingly endless...while I struggle for the right words to come to me...and many times, it is as hopeless as leaving a bed unmade, and wish that the blanket will fold itself...maybe someone would be kind and care enough to do this ever-so-painful chore for me...Words have been absent as I have been...

I wish for a burst of creativity now...

Year 2008, have been all in all...quite generous, I must say...no monstrous challenges, unlike years before...or probably experiences of the past, has made me tougher...or maybe I am just living in denial...I don't know...

Am trying to find my own identity at the moment...what I want to be remembered by...I am now an official graduate student of UCSI, having passed all my subjects (finally...thank God!!!)...but I am not sure if I want to be bound into this comfortable concept of 'music teaching' for life...that the society perceives us to be...

Many times, I feel incomplete...inadequate...I feel there isn't anything that I am doing...one that makes me stand out...that would become my forte...one point against my music college...is the fact that we are introduced to everything that a music industry can offer...but we aren't given the hands on experience, so we could actually explore what we would really like to do...in other words, I do have a general idea about recording and producing, composition, performance...but it is all basically theory and facts...

I worry too much, some people say...and I guess they are right...I am a jazz piano major...and I should work at being good at it...instead of crouching in a small corner, and throwing myself a small pity-party...*yea, I need a good kick in the butt at times...no, all the time*...I always worry about not being able to catch up with my peers...but constantly worrying and beating myself up...yet, doing nothing about it...gets me nowhere...

I just need to learn to cut myself some slack...get my fingers grinding the chords...I've been too careful ...just playing safe last year (2008), a protective layer I placed around me after all the hurts I have suffered in terms of friendships...but I have rested enough...

Time to let go...and just enjoy the ride...

Happy New Year, everyone!!!...May your year be as exciting as mine will be...*winks*...