Random updates...

• Have just finished my arrangement on Mambo Influenciado...have decided to revise the whole entire song, but giving it a Baroque-like counter-melody, and changing the whole entire song to a medium swing feel and ending it with a 2 bar salsa rhythm...
• Am not entirely satisfied with the out-come and feel that there is still plenty to work on and expand...will have to sleep on it later...am extremely exhausted now...having just clocked in 15 hours of sleep this week...
• Have a new composition coming up...as much as I hate waking up to Muslim Azan calls at an unholy hour of 5am, I must say that the melody is starting to intrigue me...I couldn't sleep one morning...so I decided to take a walk...when I heard the Azan call...ideas started spilling through...its amazing, considering how mentally tired out I was at that time...
• So this new composition...fingers crossed on how it may turn out...heck, I don't even have a name for it yet...I was just thinking of starting with a distant Azan call, followed by a bell-like ostinato cum drone...adding layers of sound and harmony as we go along...
• Will be experimenting new arranging techniques instead of sticking to the basics which I've been using all along...so I'm trying to keep away from counter-melodies, call and responses, and mere reharmonization of chords...will probably be focusing more on layers of sound, effects, modulation and time-signature change...have to check out more Messien and Debussy pieces...Mahler and Bartok too...ah...we'll see...
• Has been an eventful week so far...been transcribing songs for my students, arranging and composition...it gives me utmost satisfaction...to know that I'm honing my skills...I'm still an amateur...but at least, I know I have found my purpose...that gives me comfort...I can see my direction clearly now...
• Have been struggling within, deciding if teaching is really my forte...I would not mind teaching...but at the moment, I'm not sure if its something I want to do with the rest of my life...to be honest, I do not have any qualms teaching...its just the mentality and attitude of parents and students alike, that tires me...all the spoon-feeding, bad attitude...their obsession of just knowing their notes and passing their exams, and yet not having a care in the world about music interpretation and its history...I feel as if I've failed to teach them how to appreciate music as it is...

Work in progress...will probably spend the rest of my Raya holidays working on my arrangments and compositions...will keep you updated...Chiaos!!...

Its a man eat man world out there after all...

You can say that I am an idealist...My dad said so anyway...and I'd agree to that...

My dreams may be at times impractical...and even conflicting with the real situation at hand...Which actually frustrates me even more at times...

In a way, I consider myself a grown-up...I pay my own bills, take responsibility for my own decisions, plan my own future...but on the other hand, I'm still very much a child...still choosing to hope that like your childhood friends, people will look out for you...just like a child, an argument is forgotten and the person forgiven...and then you head out to the playground to play...play with the person that you thought was your 'enemy' just a minute ago...

I'm still hating myself for doing a Don Quixote, choosing to hope, despite all the happenings around me...that there is some good in people...how impossibly naive...

My current mood is affected by the news of journalist and editor Malaysia Today (his blog), Raja Petra Kamaruddin being sent to detention for 2 years without trial...he starts his sentence today...

I may not know him by person, but my heart goes out to his family, two daughters and wife...Raja Petra was arrested by the ISA along with Theresa Kok and Tan Choon Heong...without any warrant...apparently ISA can do that, if the detainee were deemed a "threat to the national security"...

So what is this threat to the national security we are talking about?

Theresa Kok was arrested for allegedly (not even proven nor confirmed) telling mosque officials to tone down their morning call to prayer...this was later rebuked by the mosque committee themselves...

Tan Choon Heong was being arrested for reporting a racist remark by our fellow UMNO politician...real neat...Shoot the messenger, why don't you...

Raja Petra was for rocking the boat, "ridiculing Islam, insulting the Muslims and Prophet Mohammad himself", in additional to that, are articles that speaks against our Deputy Prime Minister, Datuk Najib...related to the Altantuya murder case...

How threatened is we as a nation by all of the above?...And if one ever dare comment that these arrests are justified, as these people are inciting racial and religious tensions...then I would like to raise this question...whatever happened to the racist comment by (now ex-)MP Ahmad Ismail just half a month ago?...

Everyone knows how he says that we Chinese are acting like Jews...and all that bull...how come he escapes with just a slap on the wrist, a 3 year suspension from the policital game? If you ask me, his statement created more uproar that Raja Petra would have had...and if I were the Prime Minister, and I had my way...I would have had him exiled...ah, that will be a different post altogether...

If you ask me, arresting and placing Raja Petra in detention without trial...is one of the government's big mistake...they are making a hero and marytr out of him...and themselves, that laughing stock, in the eyes of other countries...

Speak against your Deputy Prime Minister within the space of your own blog, and you get a 2 year detention...

I guess freedom of speech and writing never existed in the first place....and I probably should stop rekindling the hope that it would happen anytime soon...so much for the self-proclaimed democracy in Malaysia...

Like some would say...You either bite, or you'll get bitten...

Evil Spawns...

The area where I stay in, Cheras...honestly reflects the ugly character of Malaysians...in front of 'gwai-los'/Caucasians/very-important people, they are all polite and reserved...but when put them alone with their friends, they break into hives, with curse words, reckless driving, and so much more...

Here, you get a buffet of evil spawns...some will happily rumble towards you from the opposite direction, on a one way street...some will rudely make left turns, from a right lane...Drivers who are mentally handicapped, unable to put on the car signals at appropriate times...drivers who put the traffic in a halt, in the middle of a one lane alley...just to buy newspaper, snacks of some sort...or even stop for dinner...damn those road side hawker stalls!!!...

The list doesn't end there...Here, yellow lights will mean 'step on the gas and roll it on!!'...red lights means, 'hang on tight to your bra and underwear cz we are speeding so fast, we're faster then death itself!!' Have you ever seen a motorcycle that sits 5-6 people?...well, it exist right here in Cheras!!...the father in the very front, and he will plop his first child in front of him, that lucky one...2 poor kids LITERALLY sandwiched between the father and their mum who sits behind...and the mum hand carrying a child...not the best means of transport, and there you go...I'm not sure what there is to save here...I would have rather foot out a few more bucks for my kids to take a public transport back home...then to mess with Jack Ripper...

And do the drivers even care?...Hell no...as long as they carry an RM30-50 to bribe the cops when they come along...it is the Ramadhan month...'coffee money' are bound to be rampant among cops...heck, even the cops themselves do a double park...while sitting at the road side drinking coffee and smoking!!...

And to all ye people, who were honking during the insane 2 hour traffic jam I had to sit through yesterday...what the hell!!!...Yea, you heard me...I cursed...rare but its there...do you guys actually think that an orchestra of different yet out-of-tuned honks will make the traffic flow much better??...and you're breaking my train of thought!!...And what is the extra display of love within couples while driving??...true, it makes my heart melt, when I see couples being decently affectionate in public...but this is insane...you're risking lives, just for a 10 minute 'romping'...

May your car be covered with a blanket of bird poo one day...Good riddance to that!!...

In my own words...

I was reading a letter from Fitness First, which ended with their motto...

"A strong mind starts with a fit body"

I would like to differ...I'd instead choose para-phrase it this way...
so here is MY motto...

"A fit body starts with a strong mind"...

a strong mind to resist hunger pangs...
a strong mind to stick to exercise schedules...
a strong mind to love oneself...and not be influenced by others...

Does anyone disagree with me??
Please feel free to comment...*grin*

Weight gain does NOT mean I'm ugly...

"You don't look so nice as you did two years ago..."

"Someone has put on weight!!..Must be depression..."

So yes, I ain't gonna deny that I have gained some weight over the couple of years...4 kgs, to be exact...but can you blame me?...Age catches up with you, and you find yourself now unable to eat like a cow, and still maintain your birth weight at the same time...besides, I do not have as much time as before, to exercise religiously and eat healthy...when one is overwhelmed by work-load, one will be bound to break the rules...and just go for short-cut fast foods...

I was slim years ago...not due to genetics, but more of regular exercises...and some people came to me telling me that I would look better, if I'd gain more weight...and now, in year 2008, when I have unwillingly stepped up the weight ladder, there are people making diagnosis that I must be suffering from depression...

I've got to confess, that it did feel good before, listening to comments that I was in shape, would look nice if I BOTHERED dressing better, etc...it made me feel good about myself, the insecure being that I am...and little did I know...I'm falling in a trap that every women on earth is doomed to battle with...

The curse of the century...Weight-consciousness...

It was only of late, that I started feeling irritated concerning this whole issue...to be honest, consistent comments of my weight-gain from my home-church was one of the main reasons I never went back hometown on the weekends...one has got to understand...I used to be a senior musician there...and standing at the pulpit in front of the congregation that goes by hundreds...almost every week...people are bound to recognize me...

I can survive if a couple were to say hello...and say...

"You've gained weight!! What is wrong with you? What happened"?"...

Now...imagine a hundred people saying the same...and no, I ain't exaggerating...being one of the seniors in the youth and worship team, has made me quite memorable to a certain extend...and naturally, they would step forward to welcome me back...I find that somewhat demoralizing...especially when there is an emphasis on the word "wrong"...as if I'm suffering from a disease from Mars...and I'm not sure if I can trust myself to survive those comments emotionally...especially when they come by tens......

What frustrated me, was that the first line following a simple 'hello' is a weight issue...I honestly believe that one reveals a lot about themselves through a conversation...on what goes through their minds daily...and obviously, these few who said hi places importance on physical impression...whatever happened to "How are you coping with your work?", "What are you currently working on at the moment?", "What is the latest in your (not-so-interesting) life?", etc...as ice-breakers?...I'm sure those are more positive and pleasant to talk about than my over-spilling love handles...and drawing a conclusion that I could do with some 'fixing'...

So like many other girls, I started worrying about the way I look...my mood and emotions were dictated by it...when someone comments that I've lost some weight, I'll happily go to the gym to pump for more...yea, I can't believe that I'm actually lapping it up...the sucker that I am...when someone comments otherwise, its back to comfort food, and hiding under baggy clothes...to the point I didn't know how I felt about myself anymore...

These days, I had to do some serious thinking/reflection, as I am sure this isn't the way to live...and here are my thoughts...

• If I were to give myself a break...gaining 4 kgs in 3 years isn't a lot...if I were to see it the other way round, I gained 1.25++ kgs a year...considering that I've been slacking a lot in exercise and healthy eating...I should be gaining more...
• Gaining weight does not automatically mean there is something wrong with me...it just means that I've to be more careful about what I choose to eat and when...
• People does not dictate the way I feel...I do...so if I allow myself to feel 'fat' through their not-so-appreciated comments, its MY fault...not theirs...
• I am not fat...heck, I'm not even over-weight...I just look chubbier and not-so-toned compared to years before...so maybe I should cut myself some slack...
• Feeling good about one-self is a decision...if I don't learn to love myself, I'll never be happy no matter what people says...all those nice-comments, is a temporal high...
• Chubby self does not make me ugly and unlovable...Negative vibes do...

Actually, I don't have much issue with gaining weight...I don't believe anyone would too...if those damn modeling organizations and fashion magazines didn't make such a big issue about it!!!

Hence, I'll just be happy with myself first, make sure that I exercise consistently...and let nature take care of the rest...

*sigh* I just hope that I'm strong enough to walk my talk...

The Perfect Ironic Circle

*||: I am currently sleep deprived from all the work-load I've allowed myself to take...

From all the work-load I've allowed myself to take, my mind suffers a burn-out, and I am in need to rest my head on my pillow...

But upon resting my head on my pillow, my dreams are filled with worries of not meeting the dateline...

so with all the worries of not meeting the dateline, hence I am not able to sleep and I am currently sleep deprived...:||

*||:-:|| is a repeat sign, in musical terms*

Hence, please feel free to read from top again...

More Information...

My friend tagged me...but instead of writing in the usual questionnaire style, I decided to put it in paragraphs instead...so here goes nothing...

The person I miss most, is buried in Tasmania somewhere getting his music degree...At the moment, I can hear my watch ticking...the fan blasting away at level 5...the creaking of the chair that I'm sitting in...Cindy Goh (not related) was my secondary school classmate...we may share the same surname, but we are definitely of different character...she is more sociable, whereas I am more of a recluse/hermit (take your pick, I couldn't care less)...

I'm facing the usual problems that a working cum studying gal would go through...but for now, I'm getting really irritated at the fact that I have to study the Finale music notation software, when I'm already so used to using the Sibelius music notation one...all thanks to my lecturer who has confessed that he can only function in Finale...

Hmmmm...I wouldn't call 'a long crush' as a waste of time...more often than not, it is me who finds it difficult to move on...or maybe, I'm just not been crushed enough...I'd like to believe that I have good patience when it comes to relationships...that kills me sometimes...and of course, now that I look back, I can see how silly I was...and how I could have handled it better...but I don't regret it...all my crushes (yes, there was more than one...so what..heesh) make me appreciate my guy more and more...and the people who have stood by my side all this while to keep me grounded...

I am going to refrain from commenting on drugs I may or may not have taken...my mum reads my blog...and the last thing I want, is for her to box the daylights out of me...so if you are still curious and wanna know, give me a beep...or even an email...I might reply...MIGHT...

I have got best friends...confidantes, and play-mates, a shoulder to cry on...a listener...the whole package...one is in Penang...and the other, is more than 5,000 km away!!!

I would probably forgive the person who hurt me most...but I'll also probably have to tell him/her..."Things will never be quite the same again...it just doesn't work that way anymore"...accept the apology, but move on...

Well, the guys whom I've had crushes on during secondary school...we don't really keep in contact very much...so no, I don't talk to them much...but that can't be helped...we've got our own lives to lead anyway...but the crushes that I've had in this recent years, had a knack of disappointing me in the end...one even called me a "holy Bitch"...I've decided its a waste of my precious time waiting for losers like that...their lost, my gain...

Hmmm...I guess I have broken hearts before...hearts of really nice guys, whom I hold no special feelings for...but as far as relationships are concern, I am usually the dump-ee, not the dump-er...So its usually my heart that ends up broken...not theirs...

Of course I do care what people thinks of me...certain people...people whom I care and love...I have an unconsious filtering system...from my family to strangers walking down the street...the less closer I am to them, the less I care about what they think about me...Doesn't anyone feels the same?

Hmmmm...well, I can't remember the time my parents last yelled at me...I haven't been back hometown long enough to drive them up the wall...maybe if I did, they'd probably be yelling at me all the time...I don't know...I am proud to say though, that my parents are now able to see me as the young learning adult that I truly am, and we are able to sit down and sort out much of our differences...and still survive it with a smile...I can only remember my mum yelling at me to join them for dinner...lunch...I forgot...but I really wouldn't call it yelling...more of, shouting up the stair-well from ground to first floor, penetrating through closed doors, where I am happily glued to my mp3 player and the volume cranked way high...

I'd be a liar in an angel's suit, if I were to insist I do not hold grudges against anyone...when something bad happens to me, I'd like to blame the whole world except myself...ah, well...doesn't everybody?...but I try not to dwell on it...sometimes, it isn't because I choose to hold on to grudges, but it was because the hurt was so deep...a certain damage is done...and it is difficult to put on a fake smile, and hug that someone with all sincerity...

I'm suppose to practice my piano and violin etudes daily...but as life would have it, I've only practiced my piano this morning...and have yet to touch my violin...a little leisure wouldn't hurt...or would it?...*grin*...

I don't think I've ever come to the extend of hating someone...Dislike or feel uncomfortable with is more like it...the sissy-dumb-blonde image that some girls tend to hold...or a guy with balls for his brains, working out in his gym, shouting cuss words aloud just to get all pump out...they annoy me...

Just for kickers

Welcome to today's social networking of different generations!!!...
Have a great day...

Zits...another classic comic of mine...*grin*...Cheers!!

The cherry on top...

There has been much ado about the recent uproar, when it was reported that a Malay UMNO politician has commented during the latest Permatang Pauh election that "Chinese were immigrants" who will never achieve the equal rights amongst races.

Many people have written on the blogs, to the newspaper, and even voiced out their discontentment through the media...I on the other hand, have turned completely numbed myself to to sexist and racist insults, the talk of Malay supremacy hurled by politicians...*sigh*...they do me no good...nor do I benefit from fuming over it...

So this post, isn't an expression of anger...but rather, disappointment that eats into one's guts...

Malaysia has always declared its ever tolerance on racism, and how this country of many races have managed to live in harmony...

But year 2008 have proved its real worth...

Thanks to this old man, and his megalomaniac ego...

A simple apology, mistake or not, would have soothed a raging tempest...yet, he managed to brew more wrath across the nation by remaining defiant and even tearing up a poster of a co-partner...an act utter disrespect, if you'd ask me...towards someone who once worked with him...

It was on August 23, when it was reported that Datuk Ahmad Ismail made those racist remarks...there was a complete silence from him, for a good 10 days before he appeared to make a statement...He says that he was in Thailand for a sports tournament, and could not be reached...his defense for his remark, was that he was making historical reference to pre-Melacca days...

Well, that isn't for me to judge if its right or wrong...what puzzles me, is that if his claim of the media "manipulating" his speech was really true, why did it take him 10 days to break his silence?...I mean, if I were to put myself in his shoes, I would come straight up to clear my name...after all, I have a reputation to bear...

Even assuming that his remarks were wrongly reported, his reaction and dealings with this whole issue would certainly not win him the Politician of The Year Award...why, he may even rank lower than Prime Minister Abdullah, or Deputy Prime Minister Najib...or even Samy Vellu for that matter!!!...(which reminds me, I've not ranted about Samy Vellu for a long time now...*sigh*...I kinda miss the drama he creates...)....

So yes, we Chinese are immigrants...Indians too...and so are all the people of the world...welcome to GLOBALIZATION, dude!!...borders are no longer closed...people no longer confined...and lets not forget, the Malays aren't exactly aborigines of this country too...if we were to remember correctly, the founder of Melacca which is to be the second sea-port after Singapore...was from Palembang, Indonesia...

And no, nobody can rebuke that...I studied it 10 years ago, but I still remember till now...I know my stuff too...

But that aside, nobody can deny that each race, has contributed to the growth of this country to a certain extend...I'm sure people would agree...that the Chinese are the pillar of Malaysia's economical growth, Indians give the hardest labour skills in construction and agriculture...which is also a large contribution to the economy...and the Malays, handle the political side of it...

Any of the races is singled out, and the foundation of one country collapses...I believe that this is the same for every country in this world...Nobody is more superior than another, though some may think that way...Hiding beneath the difference of skin colour, language, culture and religion...we are still the same...what makes us more different than the other??...besides the bias-ness and prejudice that we create in our minds?...

Malaysia is tired...and so am I...it has taken too many blows...this racial issue being one of its latest...and with September 16 drawing closer, I'm wondering if my country would be strong enough to walk through it...or will it be the last straw that throws us into greater turmoil and chaos...

How to Drive Your Parents Nuts...

I promise you, if I were the mum to a kid like this, I would have asked Santa Clause for a bottle of acid cyanide this Christmas and just spare me the misery...

I just love Calvin and Hobbes comic strips...they are classic...

I have a question...

So, it was during the Permatang Pauh election, on the 26th August 2008 (Tuesday), where Anwar Ibrahim, the supposedly 'Malaysian savior and hero' won hands down...

He returned to the Parliament, after 7 years of absence (due to sodomy charges) with 31,195 votes in hand...tearing down Barisan National representative Arif Shah with kitten claws...Just so you know, BN representative Arif Shah had 15,524 votes...

Some might say, that it is a clear sign that the citizens wanted a change in government...That is a natural analyzation...considering the fact that Anwar had two times Arif's votes...

But I was just wondering...

Permatang Pauh, has been Anwar's territory for more than two decades now, him holding the position of the Member of Parliament...During his 7 years of absence, (due to his arrest, sodomy and corruption charges), his wife succeeded him while patiently awaiting his return...In other words, for more than 20 years, Permatang Pauh has never left the hands of the Anwar tribe...

So yes, Anwar having two times Arif's votes, might indicate people's dissatisfaction towards the current government...that is people looking at a glass that is half full...

I on the other hand, am looking at this glass as half empty...

How come, after all these years, and despite all the horrible, deep skeletons that the current government has kept inside their closet...now exposed...there are still 1/3 citizens of Permatang Pauh, still voting for our shameful Barisan National government?...I mean, given 20 years sitting in the throne, I would have thought that Anwar had all the time in the world to convince the society that he was capable of such big responsibility...

Yet, there was 15,524 people who didn't agree..15,524 voters who would rather risk the continuous idiosyncrasies and non-stop corruption of our current government, then hand their OWN representative, Anwar Ibrahim the silver plate...15, 524 men, from his own territory alone opposing him...that has to count for something, doesn't it?...or am I wrong in thinking that?...

Hmmm...curious, isn't it?...

The twilight zone...

It is said that for one to lose weight, one must not lose out on her/his sleep....I've also read somewhere that for optimal growth, we would also require adequate sleep...or face the dangers of stunted heights and slow brain activity...

If that is the case, and considering the amount of sleep that I've had last week alone...I should be at least 2m tall, emaciated and have an IQ higher than Einstein by now...

But I'm not...darn...

I remember when I was back in secondary school...the teenage days...where my mum would never allow me to go for afternoon siestas...
[Disclaimer : I'm not trying to make my mum look like the 'evil step-mother of some kind'...its just differences in opinion]

My parents will understandably think that siestas of more than one hour would keep me awake as an owl late at night...

Their GOLDEN RULE : SLEEP EARLY (though I've YET seen my dad go by that rule even till now...apparently these rules doesn't apply to grown-ups with children...)

Which is why they have assorted many ways to wake me up from my afternoon siestas...throwing a wet sponge at me, shouting their throats sore...you name it...

But let me explain my side of the story...

It is difficult and annoying habit since I was young...to read before I sleep...it is DIFFICULT and almost impossible, for me to just switch off the lights, "think of a blank piece of paper" or count sheep and drift off to Dreamland...It just keeps me awake for longer hours then I can imagine...and by the time I really get to sleep, it is already time to wake up...

Which explains the habit of me sleeping with the lights on...reading will slowly lull me to sleep (estimation of half an hour at least)..my comforter wrapped around my legs...but any LOUD sound awakes me...let alone me having to GET UP, walk to the power socket, switch off the lights, and back to my bed again...by then, I'm mentally as bright as a xenon light...Will have to go through the whole reading process again...

And no, coffee and tea has nothing to do with it...I'm absolutely immune to them...

Same goes for my afternoon siesta...I read before I fall asleep, which will take me close to 45 minutes...my mind is still active...so reading any psychological thriller will just get me all excited and pumped up...I dislike Sweet Valley High, so that is out of the picture too...I would usually opt out for worn out books that I've read so many times, I can memorize them in my sleep...last time, it used to be Christopher Pike...now, I'm going for Jeffrey Archer...*grin*...

I would drift off close to one hour from when I started reading...then you can hear my mum knocking the door down...I JUST MANAGED to put myself to sleep...and now, there is a lady outside shouting...can you blame me for ignoring her??...Alarm clocks, you can shove it on the floor...slam the stupid button, and it shuts up immediately...only to go off again 9 minutes later...but your mum, you can't just shout at her and ask her to get lost...I wouldn't have managed to live with that thought for the rest of my life...

I just wished that she would go easier on me during my siesta times...of course, now I have the complete say...yet it doesn't change the fact there is a possibility that deprivation of sleep during my teenage days might just have something to do with my lack of height...if she would have let me sleep on, my body may have a better chance of growing...and I might have been a sexy tall, willowy lady with thick black hair...

Hmmm...I probably should rephrase that last statement...I just found out, during my last trip back home...that my mum reads my blog...she may accuse me of over-exaggerating...