Confidence dearest

Dear self esteem,

You suck, you know that??...long have I entertained your whiny little voice (20 odd years!!!)...your words tells me that you would rather not be involved in whatever that I have hoped to do...your actions show that you would prefer to stand back, and watch the world go by...but you're such a domineering little dweeb, aren't you??...

Quit hogging and leeching on me, will ya...if you ain't gonna help me, then stand aside...thanks to you, I have seen opportunities dropped by to say hi...only to leave, when I am afraid to approach them...times when I'd rather sleep, to escape those depressing thoughts, just so I can get a moment's peace...

Stop moping around and get back on your feet...throwing yourself a self-pity party never works...you should have known that by now...I make and live my own life...and I am responsible for what I think or do...and you're going to work this out with me...no more demeaning thoughts...they stay outside...no more sorry and regretful statements of how I were never given a chance in the past...shut up...cause the present and the future is all that matters...the present and the future, the story isn't written yet...every minute of one's future, is an opportunity in itself...so I am given a chance afterall...so you can stop grumbling...

Back to work, you twerp...smile once in a while, will ya...if you don't feel like it, at least fake it...it will help me more than you'll ever know...

By the way...you OWE me...its high time, don't you think??...

Lessajinomoto

My teacher taught me...

There was this dog, that was wandering outside of my house...well, there are dogs aplenty in the neighbourhood...the security guards in the guard house keeps them for company...but this dog caught my attention today...

It didn't look like much...a brown bitch...not of any special or famous breed...you can see that it wasn't in the healthiest condition...for one, it could sure use a bathe, and scrub for ticks...secondly, that wound on her shoulder, needs some attending to, though she doesn't seem to care...obviously, she got into a fight of some sort with her own kind...

She was scrambling through my neighbour's garbage today...looking for some food, I suspect...but its funny, though...the security guards here do feed them...not all the time, of course...but the stray dogs here rarely goes through any of our garbage...not in my street anyway...

I saw her, on my way out to collect some stuff from my car...she perked up at me...ears twitching, eyes alert...she didn't growl or anything...just checked me out for a moment...and went about her business while still keeping an eye on me...

Just as I was coming back, she scrambled off, with what I thought was food of some kind...I wondered if she was bringing her food to her young pups...I knew she gave birth to a few, just less than a month ago...I ran after her...I wanted to have a closer look at those cute pups...I have always watched them from a distance, playing while their mother was keeping a sharp look out for them...

I followed the dog, into the back of a house...true enough, I saw her young pups...but I saw more than that too...I saw two young kittens...who couldn't be more than a month old as well...the little kitten's mum must have gotten lost or something...probably ran over, which is the most common possibility...

The young pups rushed to their mother...cheekily pushing each other away, in their attempt to reach their food...I noticed that the kittens were no match for them...and they stood alone...completely abandoned for a while...

I then saw one of the most noble act, that will probably stay in my memory for a long time...the mother dog, dragged the plastic full of food scrapings, and placed them in front of the little kitties...obviously inviting the hungry ones to eat...

I stood there for a while...in both admiration...and humbleness...admiration, for the mother dog, who has chosen to care for the kittens, as her own...humbleness, watching her ignoring the fact that she already has so many mouth to feed...or the fact that she being a dog, and they, a cat...making them worlds apart...a mother's love, as Socrates has said...knows no bounds...

Makes me wonder why at times...we, the human race...are not able to accept one another as we are...

Here we boast, that we are the most intelligent species in the planet...yet, we have failed in providing the most basic need of a being...a need to be loved and accepted...no matter what the skin colour...no matter what the race...

In Malaysia, we have such people of the extreme...just a couple of days back, our newly chosen Deputy Prime Minister; Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin has commented that the Chinese community has betrayed the government, by not appreciating the government's effort in building them vernacular school...and therefore are to be blamed for the fall-out from the tri-election this early April...when most of the Chinese votes fell to the opposition party...

This, I'll say...please...Enough of these racist remarks...Malaysia is made out of three main races and more...the Malays, Chinese and the Indians...without Malays; there won't be a Malaysia...but on the other hand, if Chinese or Indians are missing from the context, Malaysia would not have existed either...so quit barking up the tree, and get to work, will ya??...

If a stray dog I met today, could show a little kindness and love to another different being...why can't we do the same, to our own people??...

Man, sometimes I do wish that aliens would attempt to take over our planet Earth or a disaster of that equivalent..I am sure, we will then see the whole world unite together as one, regardless of race and skin colour, fighting for our rights to be free...

Boiling Frustration...

There's something about Astor Piazzolla that mirrors the frustration inside...Then the moment comes when you play his pieces, and all hell breaks loose...and you will find yourself relishing in the whole mish-mash volume of energy...His tangos are always either rhythmically intense or heart-breakingly lyrical...Like being smitten by someone so much, you don't know if you want to caress his cheeks or hug (or in the case of a one-side attraction; punch) the air out of him...

I know...I'm rambling....

I still don't get the diva-ttitude phenom and how it rises exponentially with talent...I am not generalizing here...Just giving my two-cents based on personal experience...I don't understand and I completely disagree the whole issue trying to take credit or stealing one's limelight...Jeez...before long you'd be thinking of how many people you need to brown nose and step on just to get to the top...Oh hang on, you already are...If you're thinking of working your 'womanly charms' to win em over, well... more power to you, sweetie...

Reality really bites...

I know, I know already...I'm rambling....

I want my vacation...NOW!!...

Paranoia...

You drive away from your house...heading straight for the main road...you will stop at the traffic light as it turns red, as any courteous driver would do...though there are some bastards who are honking at you to jump the red light...you feel like giving them a third finger, when they wind down their window shouting at you...but you hold your peace...it ain't any good trying to fight them anyway...there is three of them...and only one of you...

The traffic light turns green after a while...you step on your clutch, and switch to first gear...its a tiring work-out you go through every time you drive this junk...but man, you do love the wide space, and the security you feel about it...there is a U-turn sign ahead...you turn on your indicator...and make your turn...after all, you have got to head the opposite direction...

You travel a small distance, preparing to switch to gear three...followed by gear four...when suddenly you slam your brakes as you see what is ahead of you...seas of car...all honking their blessed souls out...ALMOST not moving at all...damn it, you thought...and looked for an escape route...there is a U-turn sign 50 meters ahead of you...well, it does bring you back to where you have first started...but at least, you will be spared the misery of having to wait the traffic out, while some crack-pots fixes the road at this unholy hour...

You wipe away your sweat from your forehead and neck...crap, you just bathe...barely clocked in 15 minutes in the car...and here you are sweating your pores out...and worse still, you smell like exposed cheese...you try looking for your trustee mp3 player...hoping that it will bring you something to groove to, while you wait almost impatiently...to get to the U-turn...you sit for a while in silence and penetrating heat...only to realize in complete wonder, why your mp3 player isn't playing your favourite Incognito tune yet...you stare at it...and just as your luck would have it, your mp3 player blinks...LOW BATTERY!!!...Shoebox pickle blowfish!!!!!, you shout aloud...It doesn't make any sense, and you know it...but you're trying to control the habit of cussing to much...and though it is a mouthful, it does include many sounds in the usual traditional swear words...and most importantly, it makes you feel a lot better...

After a good 18 minutes, you were able to step on the pedal, make the U-turn and flee...as you are in the opposite direction, you see the whole 3 kilometre jam...and you feel like shouting out...SUCKERS!!..you head for another route...there isn't much time left...your piano lesson starts in half an hour...which you will be able to get there just in time, should you not head for any traffic jams...but it is a Saturday, after all...so we will have to see...

Ah, the alternate route...it is usually a traffic jam there...but it shouldn't be too bad, and all too long...much more bearable than the one you just went through...besides, it....Ludwig Van Beethoven!!!...bumper to bumper, impatient cars honking poli-rhythmically...all recognizable symptoms of time-that-will-be-wasted...*sigh*...the cars from the previous traffic must have been as smart as you...to turn to this route as well...making it quadruple the traffic then it normally would...hey, wait a minute...the balding guy in the car on your north east, does look a bit like the uncle who jogs around my neighbourhood...yikes, a sense of fear creeps in...one you can't understand...nor do you know how do describe it...it feels somewhat like an extreme case of claustrophobia...but can anyone blame you??...here you are, stuck in the car, on your east, west, north, south, north east, north west, south east, south west...cars again...well, if you had the brains to make sure your mp3 player was all charged up and working, it would not have been so bad...but without it, the agony is just unbearable...and to make things worse...both your legs, one to the clutch, the other alternating between the brakes and accelerator...you can't feel your legs no more...

The traffic win hands down this time...you pick up the phone, and send a message to your teacher...you feel a slight 'crappiness' in your guts as you type the message...you hate it, when you have to cancel a class, using traffic jam as an excuse...but when you think about the number of traffic you still have to go through...just to get your teacher's house...you shudder unvolunteerily...the Phoenix Plaza highway jam, the MidValley highway jam, the Petaling Jaya highway jam, and last but not least, the Damansara jam (though the Damansara jam ain't too bad...the traffic lights there are quite generous with their greens, so its tolerable)...

Kuala Lumpur, where half our life is wasted on highways...

(Never underestimate the power of classical composer...when you feel like swearing, try a Gustav Mahler, or even Shostakovich for that matter...these composers' name are so liberating yet foreign, your friends won't be able to tell if you're swearing or not...)

Missing my special someone...

Today, he will be sitting for his music audition in Bangkok...he has been gone for 3 days now...that isn't much...if you would compared the years we've been together...but I'd never thought I'd miss him this much...looking forward to his return...*grin*...