The Empty Chair

Today is the 4th day of your passing...so far, I've been quite okay...or at least, I try to tell myself that I am...or maybe I am living in denial...and maybe that is good too...cause I know if I were to share about how I truly feel...it would have revealed my vulnerabilities and I would have succumbed to a mental break-down...

The house feels somewhat empty now that you have left...you weren't a man of many words, but your presence in our family was very much reassuring...it made my picture complete...now it bored a hole...and I am not sure if I should have it filled...or if it could be filled...the emptiness you left behind...it would be unimaginable to think that you could be replaced...

I read from the Internet that people handles grief differently...

Step-grandma has been keeping her hands busy, so to avoid thinking of you...everybody was keeping themselves busy somewhat...I have learned never to underestimate the focus and strength of an elderly woman like her!!...The memorial services ended at about 2am...so we voted that the tables should be cleared the next afternoon to be ready for the funeral service...Step-grandma lifted and stacked all the tables and chairs that very morning...and cleaned the entire house inside out!!...She said she was not able to sleep...

First gran-aunt from Penang threw a fuss when she was informed that they would not be able to drive her down to Ipoh till the 2nd day of the wake...She was shaking from shock at your news...and could not sleep nor eat that night...Your nephew finally agreed to drive her down...being weak, she could not stop her knees from buckling at the sight of your casket...She cried, saying how she would never hear you tease her about modelling in a bikini suit...man, I didn't know you were that cheeky...Dad was there to hold her, before she could collapse entirely...

I could see that your sisters loved you so much...Third gran-aunt cried bucket of tears, when they moved your casket to the living room...First gran-aunt was strong, even with much break-downs...considering that fact that she has lost her own daughter to cancer...and you...in a span of less than 4 months...she was sad, saying that the very 2 people who could make sure that she isn't sent to an old folks home has passed on...that she had nobody else to depend on...I'll see to it that it won't happen...

Haha, your brother Patrick, actually challenged your sister to pay her last respects in a bikini suit...*laughs*...Patrick says that it could just wake you from the dead!!...

Step-great-grandma fainted, when the doctor announced your time of death...she was walking into your hospital room when she heard the flat line of your heart beat...she didn't take your passing well, I am afraid...she would not be consoled...and she kept mumbling that you were always more like a son to her...instead of a son-in-law...she cried saying that there was no one to take her shopping or out for walks anymore...She could not believe that you's leave this world earlier than she did...

Step-grandma seemed to be handling it well...or so I thought...when she came knocking on Steph's door the afternoon after the funeral, burst into her room...and said..."I miss your daddy so much!!!"...and broke down...I guess it was when she woke up from her nap, and routinely turned to your hospital bed...and your favourite antique chair...only to find you gone...

She has mentioned about moving down to KL, selling the house that you've all lived in for 30+ years...as it was all too painful to bear...especially for step-grandma, where her schedule was fixed to accomodate your hospital visits, medicine intakes, baths, feeding...I guess, now that you're gone, she has so much time in her hands, she does not know what to do with it...purposeless...and without a cause...

Dad's been taking much stress too...my youngest brother was just preparing to go to Kampar for his University orientation day...Dad had to see to that, and to the funeral arrangements too...plus handling your hospital fees...well, his pocket isn't doing too good...but I am sure he will manage...as he always have...

Oh, I forgot...Dad had to handle the stress of handling grandma too...can you imagine...she was crying because she was not allowed to give an eulogy during your memorial service??...I scratched my head, thinking...I would not be at all surprised that she wanted to give an eulogy, provided that you and her were still in good terms...But it was obvious to me that she wasn't...and she has always been jealous of us giving you extra attention in our visits to you...and she has never really seen you in good light, as she claims that she had to struggle and work during her marriage to you...well, we all know how she has wanted the 'high' life...

By the way, grandma was telling all her friends that "My old man has left me"...I don't know why she tells untruths...true, you have passed on, but you were not HER old man ('old man' comes to mean 'husband', in Hokkien dialect)...you and her have been legally divorced for almost 3 decades!!...

As for me...I don't know...like I said, I try to refrain from sharing my personal feelings for now...for fear that I may just lose it...Father's Day would be specially empty now...not to forget Chinese New Year...but I think my denial of your passing, is starting to show in other ways...for example, I can't focus when I am driving...and I have just went on a book spree yesterday...purchasing anything that sparks an interest...and peeling out money from my purse without a second thought...that is so unlike me...for now, I can only take things one at a time...I am safe...as long as I do not come upon our family photos...or your coin collection that is now in my possession..or I will just start to bawl!!!...

My eyes might be bright...but my heart cannot lie...There is a part of me that can't stop bleeding...crying; why good men like you would pass so soon...my brain tries to be logical...stringing practical sentences, that fails to reach my heart...I knew how you hated to be nursed...to lose your independance in your sick times...gasping for breath when your body fails you...a knife stabs my heart when I see how skeletal you have become...from a 60+kg to a skinny 38kg on your deathbed...all this in less than one year...I tell myself, that it is a comfort to know you are now in a place where you are healthy...where you are in no suffering, be it mental or emotional...those are for the living...

Step grand-ma is starting to give away all your collectibles...much to my alarm...I can only guess that she is doing this, as she thinks your collectibles will be a benefit to others...and most importantly, there is less things that will remind her of your passing and how much she misses you...but if you'd ask me, I want those collectibles to remain within the family...as those are the only memories that you would leave behind...so yes, it is extremely painful that you would have to leave...but I think it is much more painful...for me, at least...to have nothing to remember you by except for photos, and small remains...

So if you could, could you please drop by her dreams, give her a hug and tell her to leave your collection as it is??...I don't want that part of you to disappear too...

The chair that you sit during the afternoons is empty now...nobody sits on it...I wouldn't want anyone to...that chair has been a family chair for so long...it has a personality...it has a story...If only I could make it talk...I wanna know your thoughts that you've shared with it...the million hours on the phone...the countless sermons you prepared...dreams you dreamed while you napped...the tears you might have shed...your smile as you lovingly stroke its handle...

If only that chair could speak...

It is only when one has learn the pain of another leaving...and how precious life can be...that one can truly live...

Bloopers...

I had planned to hand in an official letter to my boss, about my intention to resign from my teaching position in his studio...and shift to another company, and also focus on expending my personal 'clientele'...

I have been in quite good terms with him throughout my two years of teaching...and if it wasn't for the higher commission which I am about to receive in this new company, I would have no other reason to leave...I have enjoyed working in this company...there was no interruption nor questioning, in terms of my style of teaching...and my demands of my student...there was a mutual respect, and I have nothing against him...well, the management is another story altogether...

So, resigning from this position did put me in quite a dilemma...I have a soft spot for my students, and I really hate confrontations of this sort...so I wanted to make it as painless and comfortable as I can...

I have pondered about what I should write in my resignation letter...Should I tell him that I have decided to move to another company??...if so, what reason should I state??...I had thought of coming clean, and just letting him know that he could try raising the teacher's commission...but man, if that goes wrong...one stroke of a pen...and I could be black-listed...just what I need...pissing a boss at the beginning of my career...

I feel bad, actually...I feel like I am abandoning his company for a selfish cause...call me the soft-hearted pussy all you want...so I typed my resignation letter with much thought (but no personal reason stated)...and clicked "Print"....

A box popped up on my computer screen...telling me..."Paper Out!!"...and complete instructions on how to load the paper...and restart the printer...Damn it...I forgot I have used up all my A4 paper...Hell, I thought...I'll just print it out in a used paper...and photostat it when I reach the studio later...

So I went about my business...teaching, meeting the parents, and all that jazz...then I managed to find time to creep out of the studio, to head for the photostat shop down the street...it was raining heavily then...but I was too caught up with my thoughts to bother...

The photostat owner photostated the letter for me, free of charge, that nice lady...then I headed to the stationary shop to buy an envelop...

I was thinking to myself then...hmmmm....The boss' mum just passed away a week ago...maybe I should get him a condolence card or something...just to sweeten the whole deal up...will probably put him in a good mood too...

So after choosing an envelope, I rushed to the card section, scanned through the little shelf, and took a card under the 'Sympathy' section, without giving it more than a read...I then parked myself in a little corner, and started writing on the card...

Had a small chat with the stationary lady while I was there...smart lady, she was...she somehow put together the jigsaw puzzle, and understood that both the letter of resignation and condolence card was meant for the same person...

"Erm, you're not going to send the resignation letter together with this card, are you??" the lady asked me nervously...

I replied..."Why not??"

In fact, that is exactly what I planned to do...just to get in the good side of soon to be ex-boss...yeah, I am apple polishing...so what...

"Erm, you may want to take a look at the caption in front of the card..."

I turn the card...written in nice Italic words...size 24, if I were to guess...

I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU...

Tough Love...

Dear students...

Congratulations on your results for your theory exam...That moment was indeed rewarding and blissful, no?...All your hard work and commitment did pay off...I am very proud of all of you...seriously...

Enjoy your much-deserved euphoric moment...Enjoy it for the next 2 weeks...

Because come next month, we are all on level ground again on a harder and more tiring journey...Tempers will flare...at least, mine will....Patience may grow thin...(me, guilty again)...School exams will want to take precedence (as it always have been), and expectations will ride heavy on your shoulders...You may have arguments with your parents. Your teachers/parents/friends/fellow students of various clubs might send you murderous vibes for ditching lessons/tuition/being made to be your driver/listening to you playing over and over the same songs...or for just merely taking up too much oxygen and space...

For those who didn't get through the exam, tough luck...that's all I've got to say...I have said all I have to, repeated myself like a CD player gone nuts...stressing on commitment, and perseverance...students of your age, I would have expected a certain amount of discipline and responsibility from you...but should you choose to go party with your friends, or one month of vacation overseas over extra theory classes...that is beyond my help...we have talked about this before the registration of your theory exam...and being well aware of the pressure standing before you, yet you chose the path you choose...well, like I said...tough luck...we will just have to aim for the next exam...and hopefully, no more parties and wat-nots...

My advice for both parties – Suck it up...Don’t whinge...Don't cry...and move on....You're kids no more...

For we’re not done yet...In fact, we are just beginning our journey...

And it is on this journey that I would advice you to reflect on your past experience...How have you been learning so far?...Are you proud of the effort that you have put in?...How far more are you willing to go?...And most importantly...how much have you grown as a young adolescent and an intelligent musician?

Contemplate on these questions… then remind yourself to be humble...

Be humble...This is my advice which would also serve as a warning, for I would personally choose a student of humble nature over musical talent with a bad attitude...Bluntly put, if I sense any cockiness and smart-arsed remarks from you, I will sit on you real hard...or worst yet, you will be replaced....till you get your act together once more...

Above all, enjoy the music making...Play with your soul...Play because you want to...

Play, just because....

If you can do that, I think you’re the right person for this...

See you in June...

Hugz,

Lessajinomoto

Mummy's not coming home today...

He stars out of his bedroom window, his eyes blank and void of emotion...The clear evening sky was out to greet him...the sunset light caresses his face...but he never noticed it...the wind breathes a gentle cool breeze, playing with a strand of hair on his face...but he wasn't bothered...

Weeks before, the telly had gone on and on about special TV programs in honour of mothers and their sacrifices...Florist and gift shops wasted no time in planning promotions and packages in celebration of Mother's Day...His friends have been excited and boasting about their plans to surprise their mother...breakfast in bed, a little red rose, a great big hug, a kiss on the cheek...and all that jazz...

His friends wouldn't leave him alone, constantly bugging him about his own lip-seal plan for Mother's Day...well actually, he didn't have one...he never saw the importance anyway, but his friends would never put the subject to rest...tired of the harrassment, he sheepishly replied that planning was in progress...

He closes his eyes...trying to recall back the little memories he had of her...it wasn't much really...She left when he was 2 day old, in the hands of his father...without lingering touch, or the tinnest peck on the cheek...He does not know her name, nor does he have a photo of her...and his father didn't seem very interested to depart any information at all...

He thought that he did have a glimpse of her once, when he was four...a lady knocked on the door of his house years back...he opened the door and greeted the stranger; a tall willowy figure, compared to his 2 feet tall body...

"Hi, son..I am your mo-...", she started before being interrupted by a call from his father back in the kitchen...

His father was just walking out when their eyes met...and his father's countenance changed...The lady wanted to borrow some money...but that was all he heard...for the next thing he knew, he was carried up to his bedroom and was firmly told to stay there...

There were many a times he felt a twinge of sadness and pain whenever he sees his friends run to their mums for a long awaited embrace...Makes him wonder what that would have felt like...But as the years passed, he has grown numb to it all...He does not feel much pain; or so he thinks...hot bitter tears still accompany him to sleep at times...

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on his bedroom door...

"Heys, I am starving...Do you wanna join me for some Domino's Pizza??"

He smiles...His father looks exhausted, and didn't look like he was in a mood to cook...which was good...his father would not be able to tell the difference between a wok and a frying pan at all!!!...

But nevertheless, he was home...

[Legal disclaimer] : I am well aware today is Mother’s Day. I wish all my friends who are mothers, and my mother, a Happy Mother’s day. Today, however, I’d like take a different route and remember those who do not fancy celebrating Mother’s Day because they find no meaning in it. It is really sad, but that’s the reality. For those who do not have mothers and those whose mothers have left them, for some reason or another, my heart goes out to you.

Many a time, society’s thoughts flow on a one way street. I am always guily of forgetting that not everyone is as lucky as I am, or as fortunate...Hence, I am writing this to remind myself to count my blessings...

The story above is a real narrative of a boy whom I used to teach music to during my social working days...He later learned that his biological mother have always been living a lifestyle of the rich, and couldn't bear to be held down with the responsibility of caring for a child...He is now a degree holder in business management, with a dream to own a business of his own next year...I wish him all the best...

Second-handism...

SECOND HAND
adj. ~ used goods that are being purchased by or otherwise transferred to a second or later end user.

I've always been one of gazillion people on earth, to have had hand-me-downs all my life...from childhood stuffed toys, clothes, shoes, books, textbooks, and the list never stops...Of course, my most recent hand-me-downs are dear old trusty 1982 Toyata Corona 1.6 (3 generations already!!), and a Compact lap-top (which I have also passed down to my brother)...

Well, I can't complaint much, can I?...I would have to remember the fact that I am in the very least, more lucky than my youngest brother, who wore clothes that were passed on from my first brother, who got them from my mum's friend who didn't want them anymore!!...

Yeah, those times were really hard...I remember having outgrown Nancy Drews, Christopher Pikes and Agatha Christies by the tender age of 11...shifting my attention to more meaty ones such as Stephen Kings, and Jeffery Archer...but since nobody had books of that genre, I would sit my butt down for hours on end in the Popular bookstore till late in the evening when the last town bus arrives...

I am all grown up now...having the power to purchase, since I started working full time last year...I used to wonder at times, if I had a sun-stroke or something...for I would buy books that I love, till my pockets run dry...and yet not feel a pinch...in fact, I wanted to buy more!!...

*Note : Sadly, it only applies for books only...I wish I could have the same enthusiasm for clothing, fashion, make-up accessories and all those girly stuffs...yet, maybe not...*

You know that you've officially reached adulthood...when you are able to buy things at your own will, till your piggy suffers a gastric...but yet, that little piggy will never fill up....till your next salary, that is...no wonder so many young adults fall into the trap of over-charging their credit cards...believe it or not, I very NEARLY join those statistics as well!!!...well, luckily for me, it never was my habit to pull out my sub credit card so easily...I try to walk around the mall aimlessly, trying to shake off my itch...and when all fails, I empty my purse...

Recently, I had a chat with my dad, toying with the idea of purchasing a compact car...I have accepted more private students now, which means more travelling...

more travelling = more petrol consumption + car maintenance...

...one equation that my Toyata Corona isn't able to support nor help out...with a heavy heart, I have decided that I should probably start thinking of upgrading to a car with smaller engine...and does not have a big an appetite like my Big Boy in red...

My dad suggested that I could consider buying over my mother's metalic dark orange Perodua MyVi...to my surprise, my heart (and head) immediately thought...NO SALE...I pondered on my reaction a few days after that...I mean, I've driven my mom's car before...besides a careless bump on the driver's front side (courtesy of my mum's parking), the car was in perfectly good shape and condition...well, metalic dark orange would not be my best cup of tea, but it wasn't all that bad...

Well, I always liked the design of Honda's, which are more chic and stylish...Toyota and Perodua brands are quite dependable in terms of customer services and spare parts...though I must say that I am not all that excited about their designs...I thought it lacked art, and passion...*heys, I am a musician after all*...

But since most Honda and Toyotas are out of my financial reach, my mum's Perodua MyVi would be the most logical answer to my pocket and budget...but why am I so resistant about it??...

It took me a couple of days to figure that out...It suddenly hit me; as I was surfing through the Net for car brands, researching their specifications and purchase prices...while in my mind, I slowly formed an idea of which car I wanted to purchase that was also within my monthly budget...

I realized that in this 20 odd years of receiving hand-me-downs...I never really had a say to weather I loved the clothing that was passed on to me, or how I had wanted to look...I just took those second hand things (while mum reminds me to be grateful), and never complained...sometimes I found the courage to rebel and discard...things that were almost horrifyingly ugly...I couldn't even bring myself to wear it at home...

Now, finally with some money in my pocket, I feel a certain satisfaction that I am paying for something that I have decided...and something that I really like...

Don't get me wrong though...if someone were to have something that I would not mind having, or better yet, that I love...I would not mind paying big bucks to own it...books, for example...used books does give it...some attitude...a character...a soul...*I don't mind second hand books so much, since I found RM10 in one of the books I picked up from the store last time...heehee*...

Well, after a few days of thought...I decided that my mom's orange MyVi isn't a bad choice for purchase afterall...but I do wish at times, that she had choosen the colour black...or deep red for that matter...not silver metalic, though...its almost like asking a clown to dress in a tuxedo...

[ Latest news as of 13/5/09 : My mum decided to keep the Perodua MyVi afterall...so I'll be looking into a new one myself...with the colour of my choice...*winks*]