The Malaysian Circus is now showing!!!...

So, hang on a minute....regarding my previous post...

the Malaysia Education policy goes as such..

• starting from year 2012, students who are studying primary Year 1 and 4, secondary Year 1 and 4...are required to study their Science and Maths subject in Bahasa Malaysia...those in vernacular schools are required to take theirs in their own mother tongue...

• BUT when it comes to the highest level, secondary Year 6 (or Form 6 as we know it)...and having to sit in one of the toughest exam (STPM) that determines our fate in public universities...we have got to revert back to Science and Maths in English...as that policy has not changed...
  

In conclusion...our future primary Year 1 and 4, secondary Year 1 and 4 would have to go through English education for another 2 years (2010-2012)...under the care of 'mad' teachers...having to take intensive English tuition classes to help cope with their studies...only to go through another bout of intensive Bahasa Malaysia tuition classes in year 2012 to adjust to the change that our clowns in the parliament chose to implement...

And those who are nearing secondary Year 6, would have to endure the painful switch once more to Science and Maths in English...while having to cram in 3 modules of Chemistry, Biology, etc...excruciating activities, tuition...all in a span of 18 months...

Those in secondary Year 4, would be able to adapt quite well, as they have to endure only 2 years of Science and Maths in Bahasa Malaysia, before returning to English...but man, my hearts go out to the primary Year 1 and 4 students...

The change of policy was made when apparently there was quite a number of people who requested it, so that the exam statistics would not look all that bad...and their child need not suffer countless hours of candle burning...well, now I'd like to see how they will endure Form 6...or A Levels for that matter!!...

Michael Jackson, IMO

The news that caught the world off guard...

The passing of Michael Jackson...I know I have mentioned about him a few post earlier...at that time, I was not really able to find words that really mirror my thoughts...

Being born in the early 1980s, I will admit that my knowledge of MJ's history is kinda sparse...why, he was touring in Japan when I was just born!!...All I knew about him even till now, are mainly the controversies that engulfed him these recent years...But I must say, though... the proximity of the man portrayed in by media and paparazzi vs the man that touched and changed the lives of millions was, in my opinion...is a little more than disturbing...Those two didn't quite match up and I thought that there could be a missing link...

Michael Jackson didn't become the Michael Jackson we know today, overnight...He was, in truth, what we made him to be...With each performance, each hug, each smile, and each scandal we were taking a part of him to sustain our enormous appetite...He was undeniably a man with an amazing talent, and he was, the superlative musical performer of our era...I am sure most of you would agree...The more he was denied a "normal" existence that we all very well know...the more he turned to his monumental talent to preserve and keep him going...

From the few videos I have seen of him of late...(and yes, I am outdated, I'll admit to that), the way his face would light up when he saw a fan was remarkable, and he always seemed to be very considerate and very generous with his time...He was a man that understood and knew he had the power to change lives and he desired to share this gift with as many people as possible...

While this is often what we expect of those who are extraordinarily talented, many individuals of various stripes fall prey to their narcissistic side that comes with such fame and flattery...while some of this was inevitable with Michael Jackson as well, through his videos and concerts (though I have not watched him performed live)...I observed that he still continued to share himself and his gift with the world in a very selfless manner...He always came off as gentle hearted and generous, going out of his way to be courteous to his fans, often talking with them or giving them hugs when most people in his position would have had them snubbed off and whisked away...

I am not vindicating his personal behavior...He may have caused harm on a number of children, which, if it is true, is completely inexcusable...But I feel that we have to somewhat recognize that we all share certain responsibility for each of those acts...While he may have also had an abusive father and an almost non-existant childhood, we all denied him the chance for human growth in a way that would realigned even the most balanced of individuals...Michael Jackson was clearly a lonely man in pain, and we all share a responsibility for much of that...While the admiration of his millions of fans may have in some way sustained him, this dynamic was only symptomatic of the loneliness and isolation he was forced into...Michael Jackson lived for the adulation of his fans because we witheld him the hope of anything else...We almost categorically denied him the possibility of real and meaningful human connection...Like Janet Jackson has said, to everyone, he would always be Michael Jackson: dancer, singer, icon...but it is only to his family and closest friend, that he was a known as a daddy, a brother and a great friend...He became an image, he became an idea, he became a victim of his gift and genius because we wouldn't permit him to be anything else...We all wanted and demanded more Michael Jackson and he caved into it...

But beneath this image was a human being that yearns to belong...In giving us what we all desired, he was going further and further away from himself, something all us fans seemed unwilling or unable to recognize...And when we finally had a glimpse of the man beneath that mask, it alarmed us that this man was a very lonely and distraught human being, as if he could have become anything else under these circumstances...We screamed for more Michael Jackson (greater moonwalks and anti-gravity steps, pumping grooves, slick dance moves, etc), and while we did get more of him, we also got Michael Joseph Jackson...one which we didn't take the time to understand...And it scared us...And instead of reaching out to the man who first shared his gift with us...we ridiculed him, put him in tabloids, and causing him to become even more reclusive than before...

He lived for us, and once we discarded him for what we had made him, he was understandably broken, lonely, and lost...While he may or may not have engaged in inappropriate behavior with children, in some ways it is understandable that he turned to the friendly company of children because they were most probably the only people he could turn to who would have no ulterior motive...trying to rip some benefit from their relationship, to use his extraordinary talent for their personal gain...Children may be the only ones that could enjoy Michael Joseph Jackson, whereas we were always asking for more of Michael Jackson the performer and artist...

We collectively have become his surrogate parent...and MJ a perpetual child, constantly seeking our approval...He worked tirelessly to earn this approval...when we finally withheld it, not surprisingly, he was alarmed and hurt...

As his physical ailments robbed him of his performance abilities, he became, a man who regularly endured an extraordinary amount of physical, emotional and mental anguish...I think anyone else would have long perished under such circumstances....but not Michael Joseph Jackson...Stripped of the talent that had long sustained him, he turned to prescription drugs and painkillers, and to what little sanctuary he found in the privacy of his own home...

The demise of Michael Jackson seems to have been, in some ways, unavoidable...There is a saying..."The candle that burns brightest also burns fastest"...and Michael Jackson's light was blindingly bright, much to the benefit of us all...But as we stoked the flames and the light burned brighter it inevitably burn out...when the flame was finally extinguished, and the candle ran out, we are left with no one else to blame but ourselves...

I believe that Michael Joseph Jackson was not only a singular, once-in-a-century musical artist and performer, but he was also a sincere and kindhearted being...His greatest flaw (or is it even a flaw??) was that he expected of us what he gave in return...We forced him to create and live in a pseudo-reality that facilitated the offering of his amazing talent and gifts to us, and when he tried share himself with us, he was laughed at and mercilessly criticized and ridiculed...We asked him to live in the funhouse, and when he asked us to join him we scoffed and threw stones through the windows...

Michael Jackson should be remembered first and foremost for the way he changed the lives of millions of people...It will likely be a long time, if ever, before we see another musical performer with the incredible gifts and generosity that he possessed...We made him to appear super-human, and in many ways it seems like he was, but reality bites that he was just as human and just as frail and prone to mistakes as we all are...We were given the gift of this extraordinary man, and thus began the rise and fall, the slow and inevitable erosion, of Michael Jackson...The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, and so it goes...

Rest in Peace, Michael Joseph Jackson...

Have you seen my Childhood?

I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...

People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood
I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had

Have you seen my Childhood....

- Childhood by Michael Jackson...

Doing the Limbo...

Neil Armstrong phrase following his historical lunar landing "A Small Step for Man...larger step for Mankind"....

Well, after all the big mess, debates, sneering and polls about the decision of scrapping the idea of teaching Science and Maths in English...our Deputy Prime Minister (DPM) have certainly taken us 30 years backwards this afternoon...

So yes, those schools in urban areas can breathe easily...Chinese and Tamil medium schools can walk the corridors smiling and stressed free...now that DPM has reversed our policies after almost 6 years of implementing and emphasizing Science and Maths in English...

This is a nightmare...one that does not go away when the alarm clock is cranked up...one that will further compromise the future of our generation...

In a perfect world, students would be learning all subjects in the best language for them individually, and also learning Malay and English perfectly fine regardless...But there is no such thing as a perfect world...so we can only imagine what is best in the interest of our students, we would have a CONSISTENT policy and competent teachers able to implement this policy...

This being my country Malaysia, and our politics being nincompoop clown performers, what we got was a silly compromise that made nobody very happy, and a paralyzed bureaucracy uninterested in making this policy work...One of the most telling an article (which I have yet to link...can't find it at the moment), which shows only 20% and 10% of secondary and primary school science and maths teachers respectively scored 67 or higher on an evaluation of their English proficiency...

So, it goes to show that their 6 year policy (year 2003-2009) of Science and Maths in English failed...on the other hands, 6 years is barely enough to move mountains...but our DPM decided to steer the wheel the other direction and try a different approach to enhance English learning: English literature will be reintroduced as a subject, along with grammar and composition...(I wonder if that is a misquote by The Star, because that would make a total of four subjects for the English language alone.)...The Minister also said that they would rehire retirees and foreigners if necessary to supply more English teachers...

Maybe teaching science and maths in English is a fatally flawed idea, but we have no way of telling that from this six-year experiment, because the government so thoroughly messed up its implementation!!...(There is also the counter-argument that teaching these subjects in English worked perfectly fine for thousands of schoolkids before we switched to Malay as the national medium of instruction in the 1970s...)...Yes, we have been transiting from Malay to English language for a couple of times now...and still no progress...

So we had a whole generation of students undergoing this massive change, all for nothing...And now we will have another generation of pain as thousands of kids get stuck in educational limbo while the government phases out this failure of a policy...

All this was completely unnecessary...The government could have at least tried to make ETeMS ( English for Teaching Mathematics and Science) policy a success by not virtually sabotaging it, but they did not...they could have increased the allocation of time to English, refocus the curriculum, and hired professional English teachers six years ago, but they did not...

More importantly, the transition to teaching science and maths in English 6 years ago, would have been successful if only they had been patient and first prepared the teachers to use English in the classroom...But they did not...

In short, we spent six years spinning our wheels doing absolutely balls, and we have nothing to show for it...I feel infuriated...I was a victim of this non-policy (I completed my studies in Malay...didn't do all that well, due to rebellion of having to translate all my subjects to English for my understanding)...but to see our future generation going through this limbo game as well...infuriates me all the more...

The Funnies...

Gosh, this brings back my good old teenage days...TOTALLY!!!...*grin*
Have a great week ahead!!...

Twenty Fives...

I am not able to think in paragraphs at the moment...Engine stalled...and my brain modem is hanged...trying to reboot...meanwhile, I'll just write something in strings of sentences...whatever random thoughts that goes through my head...for this coming 25 seconds...starting from...now...

1. I love the screaming colours of dawn and mysterious shades of dusk...But these days/months/years I have been having trouble getting out of bed which results me in being perpetually late...except those excruciating humid days when you've just sweat a bucketful...and its time to change the bed sheet...*Sigh*....

2. I actually feel a lot sometimes/can be quite emotional but I often try not to show it...I tell people this being called being 'professional'...my arse...lying through my teeth...

3. Haven't watched TV for years!!..Partly because my mum used to have this *thing* about watching TV and it being Full Of Trashy Shows...the other part was...ahem...technology...I have changed my focus to computer, Internet...and all the illegal downloads, which gives me much flexibility...I do not have to schedule my time around the tube anymore...

4. My home back in Ipoh...is antiquated...We still have dial-up (only recently, my dad changed it to Broadband...AFTER the herd has left the building...my bros and I), and the cathode ray tube TV that is ? years old. (Refer to point #3.)

5. Am not a fan of shopping/too much girly stuff (books would be an exception), but I think I should learn a bit cos its a thing that seems to unite most girls, like how football unites guys around the world...And also cos...its something one should learn...I am a late bloomer...so tease me about it...then watch how I would enjoy torturing you...

6. (related to #5.) Zero fashion sense...sometimes wish that I could save less on books to buy some decent clothing...that the other way around...nobody seems to be impress with my vast collection of books...though guys would gladly walk around with their tongues hanging out, while checking out a girl with a push up bra and 5 inch stiletto...

7. (also related to #5.) I do like baking and cooking though, but that seems to be becoming not a particularly girly thing in these times...though I must emphasize that I prefer to bake and cook in the comfort of my own home...or with a close friend...I am the boss of my own kitchen...so comments DURING the cooking process is not recommended...its annoying...ever heard of the saying..."Too many cooks spoil the broth"?

9. I like heartwarming movies for a change...Sometimes I feel like there's too much craziness, violence, messed-up-ness and destruction in life already, no need to see some more on the screen...But ironically at other times ,I just don't care...I am thinking that I might be emotionally castrated in some way...

10. I've a kind of wanderlust...Not the travel in comfort sort...If I were a guy in older times, I'd likely have joined a ship's crew and go gallavanting off to foreign lands looking for a near death adventure...Or, a gypsy circus. The trapeze artists are cool!..Heights don't give me thrills...but the adrenaline that kicks in after that does...ah, well...I know what you're thinking...and I completely agree...all talk and no action...which is true...I am sitting in front of a computer...and I can say as and what I want in my blog...put me in a real scene of mutiny and fights...I'll probably grow chicken feet...

11. I have bilateral simian creases on my palm...I wonder what causes these single palmar creases...

13. I love reading...well, I also like the idea of people THINKING that I love reading...*grin*...

14. I kind of like acting (Hallplay!), dancing and singing but I'm not good at any...not at all...I can't do impromptu, I dance like a fridge, and have a voice of a slaughtered cow...

15. It'd be fun to learn tap dancing one day...

16. I am an alto!!...Probably an contralto, in fact...I can reach the C below middle C... which is kind of low for a girl?...I used to think that altos were inferior cz someone said they don't get the nice melody lines that stand out (the horribly misguided youth i was), but I've since left that misconception behind...*grin*

17. I like the outdoors, sailing, kayaking, camping, trekking, nature, and animals, especially birds...but I have done none of the above...trekking, yes...camping...well, does staying in a dorm near a jungle count?...

18. I have been cycling ever since I waned out of my pacifier and pampers...then as I grew up, I started cycling to places, since my parents was never free to drive me around for my activities...though I must say I have yet to go any place outside a 20km radius with my bicycle...I will put that in my to-do list...sometime soon...

20. I used to climb roofs, and trees at home/in school...that totally contradicts the fact that I have fear of heights, doesn't it?...I didn't have a choice...I was a tomboy then...and with all the rough games I was playing with the boys...and my shoes that were too big for my feet (my mum kept buying me shoes a size bigger, cz she was afraid I would outgrow them soon...I am still a size 3 now...)...somehow during the game, in the midst of kicking and all...my shoes would take a trip of their own sailing through trees and leaves...to land on the school roof...It was either death through heights...or facing the wrath Queen Mama of the House...I chose heights...I managed to retrieve it at times...other times, not...My mum had to buy me 4 pairs of school shoes that year...after having found my shoes mysteriously disappearing all the time...

21. As a result of having communicating more with kids than adults, I have lost the ability to communicate comfortably with the senior citizens...I find myself struggling to correct my grammar...and change my voice to a much gentler tone...I am like a kid that would not grow up...

22. I think it'd be cool to fly a plane, especially those fighter/acrobatic planes...Rarr...Should have tried applying to be a pilot....but I would not have made it anyway...thanks to my parents' genes that decides I should look behind a lense all the time...

23. (related to #21) Having said that, I'd like to learn to like kids...it does not come very naturally for me...I care for them because its my responsibility...but annoying, spoilt brats are really difficult to embrace...still workin' on it...

24. If I could live the last 7 years of my life again, I would do things VERY differently....But as Prof S says, things always look clear through a retrospectoscope, but when you're in the process its a different matter...And I is thankful for the friends who have walked with me during this very, very long winter...

25. And lastly, yes...before you attempt to correct me, allow me to clarify that I am very well aware that I missed out a few numbers while I was listing these "Twenty Fives"...and no, it was not a fleeting accident...in fact, it was purposefully done with a good purpose...I've said it before...but I'll just say it again...

"Engine stalled...and my brain modem is hanged...trying to reboot..."

Note : I have not been blogging for a month now, after having taken 'sabbatical leave'...no excuses for my absence...July is a crazy month...and I needed a break before to clear my brain memory space...and reformat...as you can see, this leave has made me a slight retard, when it comes to sharing and deciding how to string my sentences...a couple more post, and hopefully I'll be back in shape...*fingers crossed*...

He is out of my life...

One of my earliest memories besides London Bridge, Ten Little Indians...Cyndi Lauper's "Time after Time" (my mom puts it on EVERYDAY while she does her DIY aerobics...so much so, I still have that song twitching in my head involuntarily)...was Michael Jackson's ever famous Beat It...which in my opinion, is still one of the groovy and rhythmic piece then...and still is now...

Fame now comes cheap...Take Paris Hilton for example...a blond airhead, who squeezes fame out of every opportunity...zero character and substance...but Michael Jackson has earned it though talent, amazing charisma and spirit...though as time passed, with much deviate and strange behaviour...and the curious case of child molestation or not...

Put any weight as you want on his qualities, but there is one sure thing...Jackson is...sorry, was...a singular talent who has stunned the world with his amazing singing...his moonwalk, crotch grabbing and thrusting and jerky body movements...and his ability to mesmerize with the crowd with his groove...

Over the years of my teenage life, he had a way of 'dropping by' in my universe...be it a marriage, or a divorce...court cases...and a performance where a chick would faint on his feet, etc...but as time passed by, other things started to interest me...and I slowly outgrew the hype of it all...I didn't have the chance to anyway...my family weren't financial able, to buy me MJ's casette album...and Internet never existed back then...

Then came MTV...I remember thinking “Billie Jean” was one of the first music videos that actually looked professional...Jackson was stunning, sharp, sophisticated...His moonwalking was perfect...his anti-gravity lean was superb...He revolutionalized MTV, the music cable channel, with his plots and storylines, instead of mere lip-synching videos...

But one thing I will always remember of him, is the depths of emotion he placed in his songs, and the words that were composed...inspirational songs that brings attention to the tearing down of racial division...that "it doesn't matter if its black or white"..."They don't really care about us"...all great songs that I have tapped my feet to...

Even when he was caught up in controversy over child molest claims, I could not help thinking that money was the driving force behind these allegations...while he was a victim to greedy accountants and lawyers...or he may be guilty as charged...I guess we will never know...

Having said that, I have truly been enriched by his music...from a fellow musician to another, I do admire his talent and sympathize with him for the spiral fall of his career which he so desperately wanted to reclaim, but never saw fulfilled...

MJ has reminded us about love and unity, much more than politicians can...For this, I know his music will continue to live on...

The fans won’t stop even if they have gotten enough...

I’m starting with the man in the mirror,

I’m asking him to change his ways.

No message could have been clearer,

If you wanna make the world a better place.

Take a look at yourself and make a change.

- Man In The Mirror by Michael Jackson

I could not have said it better...

Note : Well, he isn't entirely out of my life per se...His pumping rock tunes keep my blood pressure steady, especially when I am on the road surrounded by idiots...or when I am hitting the gym...and there is a screamer beside me 'enjoying' multiple 'orgasms'...

The Empty Chair

Today is the 4th day of your passing...so far, I've been quite okay...or at least, I try to tell myself that I am...or maybe I am living in denial...and maybe that is good too...cause I know if I were to share about how I truly feel...it would have revealed my vulnerabilities and I would have succumbed to a mental break-down...

The house feels somewhat empty now that you have left...you weren't a man of many words, but your presence in our family was very much reassuring...it made my picture complete...now it bored a hole...and I am not sure if I should have it filled...or if it could be filled...the emptiness you left behind...it would be unimaginable to think that you could be replaced...

I read from the Internet that people handles grief differently...

Step-grandma has been keeping her hands busy, so to avoid thinking of you...everybody was keeping themselves busy somewhat...I have learned never to underestimate the focus and strength of an elderly woman like her!!...The memorial services ended at about 2am...so we voted that the tables should be cleared the next afternoon to be ready for the funeral service...Step-grandma lifted and stacked all the tables and chairs that very morning...and cleaned the entire house inside out!!...She said she was not able to sleep...

First gran-aunt from Penang threw a fuss when she was informed that they would not be able to drive her down to Ipoh till the 2nd day of the wake...She was shaking from shock at your news...and could not sleep nor eat that night...Your nephew finally agreed to drive her down...being weak, she could not stop her knees from buckling at the sight of your casket...She cried, saying how she would never hear you tease her about modelling in a bikini suit...man, I didn't know you were that cheeky...Dad was there to hold her, before she could collapse entirely...

I could see that your sisters loved you so much...Third gran-aunt cried bucket of tears, when they moved your casket to the living room...First gran-aunt was strong, even with much break-downs...considering that fact that she has lost her own daughter to cancer...and you...in a span of less than 4 months...she was sad, saying that the very 2 people who could make sure that she isn't sent to an old folks home has passed on...that she had nobody else to depend on...I'll see to it that it won't happen...

Haha, your brother Patrick, actually challenged your sister to pay her last respects in a bikini suit...*laughs*...Patrick says that it could just wake you from the dead!!...

Step-great-grandma fainted, when the doctor announced your time of death...she was walking into your hospital room when she heard the flat line of your heart beat...she didn't take your passing well, I am afraid...she would not be consoled...and she kept mumbling that you were always more like a son to her...instead of a son-in-law...she cried saying that there was no one to take her shopping or out for walks anymore...She could not believe that you's leave this world earlier than she did...

Step-grandma seemed to be handling it well...or so I thought...when she came knocking on Steph's door the afternoon after the funeral, burst into her room...and said..."I miss your daddy so much!!!"...and broke down...I guess it was when she woke up from her nap, and routinely turned to your hospital bed...and your favourite antique chair...only to find you gone...

She has mentioned about moving down to KL, selling the house that you've all lived in for 30+ years...as it was all too painful to bear...especially for step-grandma, where her schedule was fixed to accomodate your hospital visits, medicine intakes, baths, feeding...I guess, now that you're gone, she has so much time in her hands, she does not know what to do with it...purposeless...and without a cause...

Dad's been taking much stress too...my youngest brother was just preparing to go to Kampar for his University orientation day...Dad had to see to that, and to the funeral arrangements too...plus handling your hospital fees...well, his pocket isn't doing too good...but I am sure he will manage...as he always have...

Oh, I forgot...Dad had to handle the stress of handling grandma too...can you imagine...she was crying because she was not allowed to give an eulogy during your memorial service??...I scratched my head, thinking...I would not be at all surprised that she wanted to give an eulogy, provided that you and her were still in good terms...But it was obvious to me that she wasn't...and she has always been jealous of us giving you extra attention in our visits to you...and she has never really seen you in good light, as she claims that she had to struggle and work during her marriage to you...well, we all know how she has wanted the 'high' life...

By the way, grandma was telling all her friends that "My old man has left me"...I don't know why she tells untruths...true, you have passed on, but you were not HER old man ('old man' comes to mean 'husband', in Hokkien dialect)...you and her have been legally divorced for almost 3 decades!!...

As for me...I don't know...like I said, I try to refrain from sharing my personal feelings for now...for fear that I may just lose it...Father's Day would be specially empty now...not to forget Chinese New Year...but I think my denial of your passing, is starting to show in other ways...for example, I can't focus when I am driving...and I have just went on a book spree yesterday...purchasing anything that sparks an interest...and peeling out money from my purse without a second thought...that is so unlike me...for now, I can only take things one at a time...I am safe...as long as I do not come upon our family photos...or your coin collection that is now in my possession..or I will just start to bawl!!!...

My eyes might be bright...but my heart cannot lie...There is a part of me that can't stop bleeding...crying; why good men like you would pass so soon...my brain tries to be logical...stringing practical sentences, that fails to reach my heart...I knew how you hated to be nursed...to lose your independance in your sick times...gasping for breath when your body fails you...a knife stabs my heart when I see how skeletal you have become...from a 60+kg to a skinny 38kg on your deathbed...all this in less than one year...I tell myself, that it is a comfort to know you are now in a place where you are healthy...where you are in no suffering, be it mental or emotional...those are for the living...

Step grand-ma is starting to give away all your collectibles...much to my alarm...I can only guess that she is doing this, as she thinks your collectibles will be a benefit to others...and most importantly, there is less things that will remind her of your passing and how much she misses you...but if you'd ask me, I want those collectibles to remain within the family...as those are the only memories that you would leave behind...so yes, it is extremely painful that you would have to leave...but I think it is much more painful...for me, at least...to have nothing to remember you by except for photos, and small remains...

So if you could, could you please drop by her dreams, give her a hug and tell her to leave your collection as it is??...I don't want that part of you to disappear too...

The chair that you sit during the afternoons is empty now...nobody sits on it...I wouldn't want anyone to...that chair has been a family chair for so long...it has a personality...it has a story...If only I could make it talk...I wanna know your thoughts that you've shared with it...the million hours on the phone...the countless sermons you prepared...dreams you dreamed while you napped...the tears you might have shed...your smile as you lovingly stroke its handle...

If only that chair could speak...

It is only when one has learn the pain of another leaving...and how precious life can be...that one can truly live...

Bloopers...

I had planned to hand in an official letter to my boss, about my intention to resign from my teaching position in his studio...and shift to another company, and also focus on expending my personal 'clientele'...

I have been in quite good terms with him throughout my two years of teaching...and if it wasn't for the higher commission which I am about to receive in this new company, I would have no other reason to leave...I have enjoyed working in this company...there was no interruption nor questioning, in terms of my style of teaching...and my demands of my student...there was a mutual respect, and I have nothing against him...well, the management is another story altogether...

So, resigning from this position did put me in quite a dilemma...I have a soft spot for my students, and I really hate confrontations of this sort...so I wanted to make it as painless and comfortable as I can...

I have pondered about what I should write in my resignation letter...Should I tell him that I have decided to move to another company??...if so, what reason should I state??...I had thought of coming clean, and just letting him know that he could try raising the teacher's commission...but man, if that goes wrong...one stroke of a pen...and I could be black-listed...just what I need...pissing a boss at the beginning of my career...

I feel bad, actually...I feel like I am abandoning his company for a selfish cause...call me the soft-hearted pussy all you want...so I typed my resignation letter with much thought (but no personal reason stated)...and clicked "Print"....

A box popped up on my computer screen...telling me..."Paper Out!!"...and complete instructions on how to load the paper...and restart the printer...Damn it...I forgot I have used up all my A4 paper...Hell, I thought...I'll just print it out in a used paper...and photostat it when I reach the studio later...

So I went about my business...teaching, meeting the parents, and all that jazz...then I managed to find time to creep out of the studio, to head for the photostat shop down the street...it was raining heavily then...but I was too caught up with my thoughts to bother...

The photostat owner photostated the letter for me, free of charge, that nice lady...then I headed to the stationary shop to buy an envelop...

I was thinking to myself then...hmmmm....The boss' mum just passed away a week ago...maybe I should get him a condolence card or something...just to sweeten the whole deal up...will probably put him in a good mood too...

So after choosing an envelope, I rushed to the card section, scanned through the little shelf, and took a card under the 'Sympathy' section, without giving it more than a read...I then parked myself in a little corner, and started writing on the card...

Had a small chat with the stationary lady while I was there...smart lady, she was...she somehow put together the jigsaw puzzle, and understood that both the letter of resignation and condolence card was meant for the same person...

"Erm, you're not going to send the resignation letter together with this card, are you??" the lady asked me nervously...

I replied..."Why not??"

In fact, that is exactly what I planned to do...just to get in the good side of soon to be ex-boss...yeah, I am apple polishing...so what...

"Erm, you may want to take a look at the caption in front of the card..."

I turn the card...written in nice Italic words...size 24, if I were to guess...

I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU...

Tough Love...

Dear students...

Congratulations on your results for your theory exam...That moment was indeed rewarding and blissful, no?...All your hard work and commitment did pay off...I am very proud of all of you...seriously...

Enjoy your much-deserved euphoric moment...Enjoy it for the next 2 weeks...

Because come next month, we are all on level ground again on a harder and more tiring journey...Tempers will flare...at least, mine will....Patience may grow thin...(me, guilty again)...School exams will want to take precedence (as it always have been), and expectations will ride heavy on your shoulders...You may have arguments with your parents. Your teachers/parents/friends/fellow students of various clubs might send you murderous vibes for ditching lessons/tuition/being made to be your driver/listening to you playing over and over the same songs...or for just merely taking up too much oxygen and space...

For those who didn't get through the exam, tough luck...that's all I've got to say...I have said all I have to, repeated myself like a CD player gone nuts...stressing on commitment, and perseverance...students of your age, I would have expected a certain amount of discipline and responsibility from you...but should you choose to go party with your friends, or one month of vacation overseas over extra theory classes...that is beyond my help...we have talked about this before the registration of your theory exam...and being well aware of the pressure standing before you, yet you chose the path you choose...well, like I said...tough luck...we will just have to aim for the next exam...and hopefully, no more parties and wat-nots...

My advice for both parties – Suck it up...Don’t whinge...Don't cry...and move on....You're kids no more...

For we’re not done yet...In fact, we are just beginning our journey...

And it is on this journey that I would advice you to reflect on your past experience...How have you been learning so far?...Are you proud of the effort that you have put in?...How far more are you willing to go?...And most importantly...how much have you grown as a young adolescent and an intelligent musician?

Contemplate on these questions… then remind yourself to be humble...

Be humble...This is my advice which would also serve as a warning, for I would personally choose a student of humble nature over musical talent with a bad attitude...Bluntly put, if I sense any cockiness and smart-arsed remarks from you, I will sit on you real hard...or worst yet, you will be replaced....till you get your act together once more...

Above all, enjoy the music making...Play with your soul...Play because you want to...

Play, just because....

If you can do that, I think you’re the right person for this...

See you in June...

Hugz,

Lessajinomoto

Mummy's not coming home today...

He stars out of his bedroom window, his eyes blank and void of emotion...The clear evening sky was out to greet him...the sunset light caresses his face...but he never noticed it...the wind breathes a gentle cool breeze, playing with a strand of hair on his face...but he wasn't bothered...

Weeks before, the telly had gone on and on about special TV programs in honour of mothers and their sacrifices...Florist and gift shops wasted no time in planning promotions and packages in celebration of Mother's Day...His friends have been excited and boasting about their plans to surprise their mother...breakfast in bed, a little red rose, a great big hug, a kiss on the cheek...and all that jazz...

His friends wouldn't leave him alone, constantly bugging him about his own lip-seal plan for Mother's Day...well actually, he didn't have one...he never saw the importance anyway, but his friends would never put the subject to rest...tired of the harrassment, he sheepishly replied that planning was in progress...

He closes his eyes...trying to recall back the little memories he had of her...it wasn't much really...She left when he was 2 day old, in the hands of his father...without lingering touch, or the tinnest peck on the cheek...He does not know her name, nor does he have a photo of her...and his father didn't seem very interested to depart any information at all...

He thought that he did have a glimpse of her once, when he was four...a lady knocked on the door of his house years back...he opened the door and greeted the stranger; a tall willowy figure, compared to his 2 feet tall body...

"Hi, son..I am your mo-...", she started before being interrupted by a call from his father back in the kitchen...

His father was just walking out when their eyes met...and his father's countenance changed...The lady wanted to borrow some money...but that was all he heard...for the next thing he knew, he was carried up to his bedroom and was firmly told to stay there...

There were many a times he felt a twinge of sadness and pain whenever he sees his friends run to their mums for a long awaited embrace...Makes him wonder what that would have felt like...But as the years passed, he has grown numb to it all...He does not feel much pain; or so he thinks...hot bitter tears still accompany him to sleep at times...

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on his bedroom door...

"Heys, I am starving...Do you wanna join me for some Domino's Pizza??"

He smiles...His father looks exhausted, and didn't look like he was in a mood to cook...which was good...his father would not be able to tell the difference between a wok and a frying pan at all!!!...

But nevertheless, he was home...

[Legal disclaimer] : I am well aware today is Mother’s Day. I wish all my friends who are mothers, and my mother, a Happy Mother’s day. Today, however, I’d like take a different route and remember those who do not fancy celebrating Mother’s Day because they find no meaning in it. It is really sad, but that’s the reality. For those who do not have mothers and those whose mothers have left them, for some reason or another, my heart goes out to you.

Many a time, society’s thoughts flow on a one way street. I am always guily of forgetting that not everyone is as lucky as I am, or as fortunate...Hence, I am writing this to remind myself to count my blessings...

The story above is a real narrative of a boy whom I used to teach music to during my social working days...He later learned that his biological mother have always been living a lifestyle of the rich, and couldn't bear to be held down with the responsibility of caring for a child...He is now a degree holder in business management, with a dream to own a business of his own next year...I wish him all the best...

Second-handism...

SECOND HAND
adj. ~ used goods that are being purchased by or otherwise transferred to a second or later end user.

I've always been one of gazillion people on earth, to have had hand-me-downs all my life...from childhood stuffed toys, clothes, shoes, books, textbooks, and the list never stops...Of course, my most recent hand-me-downs are dear old trusty 1982 Toyata Corona 1.6 (3 generations already!!), and a Compact lap-top (which I have also passed down to my brother)...

Well, I can't complaint much, can I?...I would have to remember the fact that I am in the very least, more lucky than my youngest brother, who wore clothes that were passed on from my first brother, who got them from my mum's friend who didn't want them anymore!!...

Yeah, those times were really hard...I remember having outgrown Nancy Drews, Christopher Pikes and Agatha Christies by the tender age of 11...shifting my attention to more meaty ones such as Stephen Kings, and Jeffery Archer...but since nobody had books of that genre, I would sit my butt down for hours on end in the Popular bookstore till late in the evening when the last town bus arrives...

I am all grown up now...having the power to purchase, since I started working full time last year...I used to wonder at times, if I had a sun-stroke or something...for I would buy books that I love, till my pockets run dry...and yet not feel a pinch...in fact, I wanted to buy more!!...

*Note : Sadly, it only applies for books only...I wish I could have the same enthusiasm for clothing, fashion, make-up accessories and all those girly stuffs...yet, maybe not...*

You know that you've officially reached adulthood...when you are able to buy things at your own will, till your piggy suffers a gastric...but yet, that little piggy will never fill up....till your next salary, that is...no wonder so many young adults fall into the trap of over-charging their credit cards...believe it or not, I very NEARLY join those statistics as well!!!...well, luckily for me, it never was my habit to pull out my sub credit card so easily...I try to walk around the mall aimlessly, trying to shake off my itch...and when all fails, I empty my purse...

Recently, I had a chat with my dad, toying with the idea of purchasing a compact car...I have accepted more private students now, which means more travelling...

more travelling = more petrol consumption + car maintenance...

...one equation that my Toyata Corona isn't able to support nor help out...with a heavy heart, I have decided that I should probably start thinking of upgrading to a car with smaller engine...and does not have a big an appetite like my Big Boy in red...

My dad suggested that I could consider buying over my mother's metalic dark orange Perodua MyVi...to my surprise, my heart (and head) immediately thought...NO SALE...I pondered on my reaction a few days after that...I mean, I've driven my mom's car before...besides a careless bump on the driver's front side (courtesy of my mum's parking), the car was in perfectly good shape and condition...well, metalic dark orange would not be my best cup of tea, but it wasn't all that bad...

Well, I always liked the design of Honda's, which are more chic and stylish...Toyota and Perodua brands are quite dependable in terms of customer services and spare parts...though I must say that I am not all that excited about their designs...I thought it lacked art, and passion...*heys, I am a musician after all*...

But since most Honda and Toyotas are out of my financial reach, my mum's Perodua MyVi would be the most logical answer to my pocket and budget...but why am I so resistant about it??...

It took me a couple of days to figure that out...It suddenly hit me; as I was surfing through the Net for car brands, researching their specifications and purchase prices...while in my mind, I slowly formed an idea of which car I wanted to purchase that was also within my monthly budget...

I realized that in this 20 odd years of receiving hand-me-downs...I never really had a say to weather I loved the clothing that was passed on to me, or how I had wanted to look...I just took those second hand things (while mum reminds me to be grateful), and never complained...sometimes I found the courage to rebel and discard...things that were almost horrifyingly ugly...I couldn't even bring myself to wear it at home...

Now, finally with some money in my pocket, I feel a certain satisfaction that I am paying for something that I have decided...and something that I really like...

Don't get me wrong though...if someone were to have something that I would not mind having, or better yet, that I love...I would not mind paying big bucks to own it...books, for example...used books does give it...some attitude...a character...a soul...*I don't mind second hand books so much, since I found RM10 in one of the books I picked up from the store last time...heehee*...

Well, after a few days of thought...I decided that my mom's orange MyVi isn't a bad choice for purchase afterall...but I do wish at times, that she had choosen the colour black...or deep red for that matter...not silver metalic, though...its almost like asking a clown to dress in a tuxedo...

[ Latest news as of 13/5/09 : My mum decided to keep the Perodua MyVi afterall...so I'll be looking into a new one myself...with the colour of my choice...*winks*]

Confidence dearest

Dear self esteem,

You suck, you know that??...long have I entertained your whiny little voice (20 odd years!!!)...your words tells me that you would rather not be involved in whatever that I have hoped to do...your actions show that you would prefer to stand back, and watch the world go by...but you're such a domineering little dweeb, aren't you??...

Quit hogging and leeching on me, will ya...if you ain't gonna help me, then stand aside...thanks to you, I have seen opportunities dropped by to say hi...only to leave, when I am afraid to approach them...times when I'd rather sleep, to escape those depressing thoughts, just so I can get a moment's peace...

Stop moping around and get back on your feet...throwing yourself a self-pity party never works...you should have known that by now...I make and live my own life...and I am responsible for what I think or do...and you're going to work this out with me...no more demeaning thoughts...they stay outside...no more sorry and regretful statements of how I were never given a chance in the past...shut up...cause the present and the future is all that matters...the present and the future, the story isn't written yet...every minute of one's future, is an opportunity in itself...so I am given a chance afterall...so you can stop grumbling...

Back to work, you twerp...smile once in a while, will ya...if you don't feel like it, at least fake it...it will help me more than you'll ever know...

By the way...you OWE me...its high time, don't you think??...

Lessajinomoto

My teacher taught me...

There was this dog, that was wandering outside of my house...well, there are dogs aplenty in the neighbourhood...the security guards in the guard house keeps them for company...but this dog caught my attention today...

It didn't look like much...a brown bitch...not of any special or famous breed...you can see that it wasn't in the healthiest condition...for one, it could sure use a bathe, and scrub for ticks...secondly, that wound on her shoulder, needs some attending to, though she doesn't seem to care...obviously, she got into a fight of some sort with her own kind...

She was scrambling through my neighbour's garbage today...looking for some food, I suspect...but its funny, though...the security guards here do feed them...not all the time, of course...but the stray dogs here rarely goes through any of our garbage...not in my street anyway...

I saw her, on my way out to collect some stuff from my car...she perked up at me...ears twitching, eyes alert...she didn't growl or anything...just checked me out for a moment...and went about her business while still keeping an eye on me...

Just as I was coming back, she scrambled off, with what I thought was food of some kind...I wondered if she was bringing her food to her young pups...I knew she gave birth to a few, just less than a month ago...I ran after her...I wanted to have a closer look at those cute pups...I have always watched them from a distance, playing while their mother was keeping a sharp look out for them...

I followed the dog, into the back of a house...true enough, I saw her young pups...but I saw more than that too...I saw two young kittens...who couldn't be more than a month old as well...the little kitten's mum must have gotten lost or something...probably ran over, which is the most common possibility...

The young pups rushed to their mother...cheekily pushing each other away, in their attempt to reach their food...I noticed that the kittens were no match for them...and they stood alone...completely abandoned for a while...

I then saw one of the most noble act, that will probably stay in my memory for a long time...the mother dog, dragged the plastic full of food scrapings, and placed them in front of the little kitties...obviously inviting the hungry ones to eat...

I stood there for a while...in both admiration...and humbleness...admiration, for the mother dog, who has chosen to care for the kittens, as her own...humbleness, watching her ignoring the fact that she already has so many mouth to feed...or the fact that she being a dog, and they, a cat...making them worlds apart...a mother's love, as Socrates has said...knows no bounds...

Makes me wonder why at times...we, the human race...are not able to accept one another as we are...

Here we boast, that we are the most intelligent species in the planet...yet, we have failed in providing the most basic need of a being...a need to be loved and accepted...no matter what the skin colour...no matter what the race...

In Malaysia, we have such people of the extreme...just a couple of days back, our newly chosen Deputy Prime Minister; Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin has commented that the Chinese community has betrayed the government, by not appreciating the government's effort in building them vernacular school...and therefore are to be blamed for the fall-out from the tri-election this early April...when most of the Chinese votes fell to the opposition party...

This, I'll say...please...Enough of these racist remarks...Malaysia is made out of three main races and more...the Malays, Chinese and the Indians...without Malays; there won't be a Malaysia...but on the other hand, if Chinese or Indians are missing from the context, Malaysia would not have existed either...so quit barking up the tree, and get to work, will ya??...

If a stray dog I met today, could show a little kindness and love to another different being...why can't we do the same, to our own people??...

Man, sometimes I do wish that aliens would attempt to take over our planet Earth or a disaster of that equivalent..I am sure, we will then see the whole world unite together as one, regardless of race and skin colour, fighting for our rights to be free...

Boiling Frustration...

There's something about Astor Piazzolla that mirrors the frustration inside...Then the moment comes when you play his pieces, and all hell breaks loose...and you will find yourself relishing in the whole mish-mash volume of energy...His tangos are always either rhythmically intense or heart-breakingly lyrical...Like being smitten by someone so much, you don't know if you want to caress his cheeks or hug (or in the case of a one-side attraction; punch) the air out of him...

I know...I'm rambling....

I still don't get the diva-ttitude phenom and how it rises exponentially with talent...I am not generalizing here...Just giving my two-cents based on personal experience...I don't understand and I completely disagree the whole issue trying to take credit or stealing one's limelight...Jeez...before long you'd be thinking of how many people you need to brown nose and step on just to get to the top...Oh hang on, you already are...If you're thinking of working your 'womanly charms' to win em over, well... more power to you, sweetie...

Reality really bites...

I know, I know already...I'm rambling....

I want my vacation...NOW!!...

Paranoia...

You drive away from your house...heading straight for the main road...you will stop at the traffic light as it turns red, as any courteous driver would do...though there are some bastards who are honking at you to jump the red light...you feel like giving them a third finger, when they wind down their window shouting at you...but you hold your peace...it ain't any good trying to fight them anyway...there is three of them...and only one of you...

The traffic light turns green after a while...you step on your clutch, and switch to first gear...its a tiring work-out you go through every time you drive this junk...but man, you do love the wide space, and the security you feel about it...there is a U-turn sign ahead...you turn on your indicator...and make your turn...after all, you have got to head the opposite direction...

You travel a small distance, preparing to switch to gear three...followed by gear four...when suddenly you slam your brakes as you see what is ahead of you...seas of car...all honking their blessed souls out...ALMOST not moving at all...damn it, you thought...and looked for an escape route...there is a U-turn sign 50 meters ahead of you...well, it does bring you back to where you have first started...but at least, you will be spared the misery of having to wait the traffic out, while some crack-pots fixes the road at this unholy hour...

You wipe away your sweat from your forehead and neck...crap, you just bathe...barely clocked in 15 minutes in the car...and here you are sweating your pores out...and worse still, you smell like exposed cheese...you try looking for your trustee mp3 player...hoping that it will bring you something to groove to, while you wait almost impatiently...to get to the U-turn...you sit for a while in silence and penetrating heat...only to realize in complete wonder, why your mp3 player isn't playing your favourite Incognito tune yet...you stare at it...and just as your luck would have it, your mp3 player blinks...LOW BATTERY!!!...Shoebox pickle blowfish!!!!!, you shout aloud...It doesn't make any sense, and you know it...but you're trying to control the habit of cussing to much...and though it is a mouthful, it does include many sounds in the usual traditional swear words...and most importantly, it makes you feel a lot better...

After a good 18 minutes, you were able to step on the pedal, make the U-turn and flee...as you are in the opposite direction, you see the whole 3 kilometre jam...and you feel like shouting out...SUCKERS!!..you head for another route...there isn't much time left...your piano lesson starts in half an hour...which you will be able to get there just in time, should you not head for any traffic jams...but it is a Saturday, after all...so we will have to see...

Ah, the alternate route...it is usually a traffic jam there...but it shouldn't be too bad, and all too long...much more bearable than the one you just went through...besides, it....Ludwig Van Beethoven!!!...bumper to bumper, impatient cars honking poli-rhythmically...all recognizable symptoms of time-that-will-be-wasted...*sigh*...the cars from the previous traffic must have been as smart as you...to turn to this route as well...making it quadruple the traffic then it normally would...hey, wait a minute...the balding guy in the car on your north east, does look a bit like the uncle who jogs around my neighbourhood...yikes, a sense of fear creeps in...one you can't understand...nor do you know how do describe it...it feels somewhat like an extreme case of claustrophobia...but can anyone blame you??...here you are, stuck in the car, on your east, west, north, south, north east, north west, south east, south west...cars again...well, if you had the brains to make sure your mp3 player was all charged up and working, it would not have been so bad...but without it, the agony is just unbearable...and to make things worse...both your legs, one to the clutch, the other alternating between the brakes and accelerator...you can't feel your legs no more...

The traffic win hands down this time...you pick up the phone, and send a message to your teacher...you feel a slight 'crappiness' in your guts as you type the message...you hate it, when you have to cancel a class, using traffic jam as an excuse...but when you think about the number of traffic you still have to go through...just to get your teacher's house...you shudder unvolunteerily...the Phoenix Plaza highway jam, the MidValley highway jam, the Petaling Jaya highway jam, and last but not least, the Damansara jam (though the Damansara jam ain't too bad...the traffic lights there are quite generous with their greens, so its tolerable)...

Kuala Lumpur, where half our life is wasted on highways...

(Never underestimate the power of classical composer...when you feel like swearing, try a Gustav Mahler, or even Shostakovich for that matter...these composers' name are so liberating yet foreign, your friends won't be able to tell if you're swearing or not...)