All I needed to know, I learned from the tube...

When I was a kid, back in the 80's, my friends would be in their own world pursuing constructive endeavors such as attending Kumon classes, ballet, piano classes, etc...I, chose to watch cartoons...

Now, before you start pointing fingers at my mum, for allowing me to be 'baby-sat' by the mindless tube, let me explain, that I use to be a pain in the neck, constantly looking to be with my mum, even when she is working...so the tube and books, were my only distraction, to give her some peace and allow her to get some breathing space...

I never forgot any of those cartoons, even till now...I mean, I can't really say that I can recall each and every detail of the cartoons that I have watched...but now that I come to think of it, many of the cartoons have taught me a valuable lesson...

For example...

The Smurfs
One elderly blue male in the red hat, who has no real power, but it is generally understood that he was a respected leader of the community...One female in the entire population of blue males with white pointy hats...

Everybody has a house of the same size...no bigger, no smaller...Everyone has equal authority and power, and no one gets side-lined...Everyone has a special talent that is used to contribute to the harmony of the community...they look the same, dress the same, talk the same, live the same...and they are all united in fighting the mean old Gargamel and that hungry, misunderstood Azrael...

The most important lesson I learn : COMMUNISM actually works!!!...Can you believe it??...China and Russia must have really gone wrong somewhere...

Transformers
Robots from an alien world, has chosen our earth as their 'playground', the good fighting the evil...Robots with capability of transforming into vehicles...the good ones, usually transform to old-fashion commercial transports such as lorries, family cars and wat nots...the evil ones usually take on vehicles of a higher level...helicopters, and jet planes...Robots changing into bigger robots...then they combine powers together to destroy an even bigger robot...and usually they are successful...all in a day's work, isn't it??...ah, who could ever forget dear old Optimus Prime and the Autobots??...

The most important lesson I learn : One : Never judge a robot by its cover...it is usually "more than meets the eye"...Two : If I don't behave, the Decepticons will kill us all...

Popeye The Sailor Man
If you want to win the love and affections of your leggy, tight-skirted Olive Oyl, one can of spinach will do the trick. It always starts with a losing battle between Bluto and Popeye...and Popeye would, with much pain and agony crawl towards an available can of spinach conveniently lying around the corner...Sure, as we kids know, spinach never tasted as good as lollies, ice-cream and cheese...but man, it is so full of essential vitamin goodness, that it is bound to make your biceps explode like canons...then it will be followed by Popeye's gusty, yet short and sweet 'fight' with defenseless Bluto...and Olive Oyl with come to Popeye, smothering him with kisses...forget it that Olive was a complete bimbo, with flirtatious character...having fallen for Bluto a few times, for his 'macho-ness'...

The most important lesson I learn : One : Eat your veggies...Two : Muscles can be build in seconds...Third : Protein shakes are shit, veggie vitamins will do...

Note : I would love to share more examples, but it is starting to eat into my time...hence, I have to cut it short to just a couple...

Now, would you mind sharing a few of your 'lessons from the tube' with me?...*grin*

You've Got Mail

YOU HAVE A PACKAGE, Contact Email : fedexcourierdeliveryservice001@hotmail.com

from : DANIEL E. GLABERSON (D.GLABERSON@ut.edu)

received : 30th April 2008

Greetings.

I am Mr.Divad White , i have been waiting for you since to contact me
for yourConfirmable BankDraft of $800.000.00 United States Dollars, but
Idid not hear from you since that time.Then I went and deposited the
Draft with FEDEX COURIER SERVICE, WestAfrica, I Travelled out of the
country for a 3 Months Course and I will not come back till end of March.
What you have to do now is to contact the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE
as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because
of the expiring date.

For your information, I have paid for the delivering Charge, Insurance
premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the cheque showing that it is
not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attack in your Country.
The only money you will send to the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE to deliver
your Draft direct to your postal Address in your country is($150.00US)
Dollars only being Security Keeping Fee of the Courier Company so far.

Again, don'tbe deceived by anybody to pay any other money except
$150.00US Dollars. I would have paid that but they said no because they
don't know when you will contact them and in case of Dumorrage.You have
tocontact the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE now for the delivery of your Draft
with this information bellow;

PLEASE REPLY TO:
Mr. Mike Aderson
DIRECT EMAIL: fedexcourierdeliveryservice001@hotmail.com
Telephone:+(234)8077410005

Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address() and Direct
telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery and
ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your package
over there and know when it will get to your address. Let me repeat again,
try to contact them as soon as you receive this mail to avoid any further
delay and remember to pay them their Security Keeping fee of $150.00 US
Dollars for their immediate action. You should also let me know through
email as soon as you receive your Draft.

Yours Faithfully,
Mr.David White

[Note: I have never before in my life, responded to such letters, as I have a habit of hitting the 'DELETE' button on my email box, even before I have time to chew on it. In fact, I'm tired of having these emails spam my mail-box every now and then. I just wish sometimes, that people will have something better to do, than to write non-sensical letters such as these...as to not waste my (our) time...but today, is one of my good patient days...]

Hence, my response...

Dear sir/madam;

There are several discrepancies in your email which I feel the need to bring attention to. First and foremost, I think you are really confused about who you are, and how you choose address yourself...You call yourself Divad White/David White, yet your email address calls you by Daniel E. Glaberson. I have considered the fact that you could have borrowed your friend's email account for some purpose, but seeing the content being as serious as it sounds, it does not seem professional at all, to use a friend's account, wouldn't you agree? And also, the fact that you never bothered to proof-read this letter, before clicking the 'SEND' button, obviously shows carelessness on your part, and total disregard for grammar, capital letters and punctuation, which I would not expect from a businessman of your status...who is your secretary, by the way??...Give her a fire!!...I am a gracious customer, therefore, I shall not pursue...but others are not so nice as I am...

Anyhow, to more important stuff...

Just to assure you, I'm not Dumbo. You would think that I would get excited over a big some of US800.00 credited to me, though I do not recall banking in any draft of that amount. Besides, as a full-time working student, I do not even have RM800.00 to my name, let alone US800.00...which is, if you do the maths, almost RM2400.00...I could have won this 'US800.00', one could say...but if I actually won a contest, I think I deserve US1 million, wouldn't you agree?...I mean, which miserable contest, would give me a measly US800.00 for winning anyway?...and would you actually think that I would actually enter a contest that would get me ONLY US800.00...that will enable me to survive comfortably for only 1 month and half?

True, enough, I am no Dumbo. I have researched a lot about you, and it seems that you have evolved several times. Are you now Patricia Garaci or Mike Anderson?...or neither?...

You say that you have traveled to West Africa for a 3 months course and would be back in March. That would actually indicate that you mailed this letter, say...approximately in late December '07 or early January'08, I presume...and I only received this email of yours on 30th APRIL '08??...Man, which express mail did you use?...I'd sure sue them if I were you...Geez, even snail mails aren't that slow...

And would you expect me to believe, that such a Multi-National corporation such as Fed-Ex, would go so low, as to depend on Hotmail for email deliveries??...and my, do they have gazillion email addresses!!...I wonder which one is valid...is it now:-

a) fedexcourierdeliveryservice001@hotmail.com
b) fedexdeliverydept01@hotmail.com
c) FedexExpressdeliveryservice@hotmail.com
d) fedexcourier44@live.com (ah, they change email partners now, did they??)
(taken from other resources)

0r

e) fexmyarse@fatchance.com

hmm...I really believe you got their email wrong...if you need more help, you can ask FedEx

By the way, you did say that you have send my oh-so-precious Confirmable Bank Draft to Fedex Courier Service in West Africa...and you have also so kindly given me 'convincing' advices...and oh, you have given me the contact number of the person who handles Fedex Delivery services!!...number is (+234)807741005...wow, so much trouble to go through for someone you hardly know, isn't it??...Yet, the last time I checked, (+234) is an area code in serving areas such as Ohio in United States...so, is it right to presume that West Africa is part of United States??...Oh, I don't know...I am TOTALLY ignorant when it comes to obvious geographical errors...but I'd think you had better mention this to the board of US government...no wonder mails are getting screwed up...and slow...A lot of trouble, I know...but I'm sure if you didn't mind battling 'storms' for me, you wouldn't mind a little more trouble, would you??...

I have got a couple of problems with the transfer funds...So I apparently received US800.00 for doing absolutely nothing at all. But the condition is that I have to pay US150.00 for delivery/postal fees. Wow, that is SO CHEAP!!...At the end of the day, I will stand to get US650.00, right??...That is cool!!...

Yet, I think I will have to pass...I am a very busy young gal, which priorities, definitely does not lie in money. Besides, if I were to wait for any mail response from your side, it would take another half a year, which by then, I would have starved in a most undignified way...

I'd rather earn my cost...

p/s : by the way, you will not be getting an email from me, because of all the reasons above...besides, you have already gotten more than enough attention from me, then you truly deserve...

Yours sincerely,
Lessajinomoto

An attempted biography

LESSAJINOMOTO, is a relatively young girl (year 2010: not so young anymore) who grew up singing Michael Jackson's "Beat It" and was seen making a lame and futile attempt to 'moonwalk' occasionally. Since the era of Electronic and Techno music, she has brought untimely joy and mental anguish to two parents who was and still is privileged to call her their daughter. These proud parents was luckily smart enough to know that they should not rob the world of someone of sheer genius, despite the knowledge of excruciating rack they would have to endure in the near future. If they were to do so, it would have been a cruel and inhumane decision, and their lives would have been totally miserable and incomplete otherwise. A win-win situation, as one would say.

For years, they have been having tons of fun, sharing up and down moments even till now. Two more male seeds sprung after harvesting, and were added into the family. Her father lives in another state from the family for work purposes, of course. Though one must admire his commitment to travel back and forth every weekend for 13 years now. Her mum is a freelance tuition teacher and a good counselor, even at times when advices are not needed. One brother attends a college close enough to visit home on weekends, but is rather selective about it (e.g run out of Milo/shampoo/extra dirty laundry). Her other brother is currently sitting through SPM, experimenting the balance of getting through the stupid exam, and keeping sane, all in one breath (as of year 2009, he has officially graduated from high school, and is now joining his older brother in attending University). Her grandmother, well, we can fill three books with her oh-so-gracious activities, but we won't. Besides, this isn't a biography about her. It is about LESSAJINOMOTO.

She loves a marathon of John Grishams and Jeffery Archers. Reading to her, is one of the tools to make time pass by fast, when they don't seem to. She became visually impaired at a young age, due to unnatural light and heavy reading. Being vain as she is (though it does not show), she refuses to wear spectacles. She was as determined not to give in and wanted to prove to the world that she was better than any man with a perfect eye-sight. Thus, she found herself in many awkward situations. She could spot a public washroom, but occasionally walked into the one designated for the opposite sex. There are even times, when people could have perceived that she thinks she can walk through walls. Well, she definitely didn't perceive that thought, yet she walks into one anyway. Wanting her dignity restored, only then she agreed to a geeky spectacles, joining half a billion others who are doing so.

She can be found devouring tens of packets of snacks (e.g Cacho Chips) when found under extreme stress. She is a badminton and car-racing fanatic, who pretends to know all the rules and tries to tell the player what to do. She is capable of surviving on very little sleep, but that is probably due to her hyper-activity and workaholic character. Disregard any objections that she may hurl, about her life being a topsy-turvy drama. Knowing her will prove to you otherwise. She is addicted to her mp3 player, though she already has one integrated into the jelly brain of hers. She is also addicted to her 1996 manufactured Fujitsu lappy, who struggles to cough into life, and is on the brink of death any day now, as all electronic devices are made to do. If little Fujitsu dies, LESSAJINOMOTO goes with him, spiritually at least. Her little pet peeves are endless. Therefore we shall not put them here. She has a (un)founded fear of heights, Ronald McDonalds, clowns, an 'low battery' sign on her handphone/mp3 player, lorry drivers, etc.

A couple of years back, one may have bumped into LESSAJINOMOTO who will greet you by saying, "Hi, welcome to Indulgence. What would you like for breakfast this morning?". To make this clear, she never asked it out of sheer curiosity. And its not like she cared if one would have his/her bouts of nourishment to jump-start the day. She only says this line as it is all part and parcel of the job of being the ONLY waitress who is able to function in English. Which is followed by a treatment of a dirt by the customer-to-be. Now, it is different. One can now find LESSAJINOMOTO smiling at a parent saying, "Ah, you little (devils of a) children performed wonderfully today!! I will see you little (bratty) kiddies next week!!". She is now teaching in a studio and giving private piano lessons to jolly cute children (monkeys), both young and old. A lot of energy is being consumed there.

And she grows old, she does not want to be an old hag. Let's leave it at that.

[Short note : This was my lame attempt to write a biography. I am completely aware that it looks like an autobiography. I may be senile at times, but I am still able to tell the difference. May I then defend myself with the fact that at least, I'm trying. That has to count, doesn't it??]

Handling rejections

I've been sitting in front of the computer for quite a while now...While 3 years back, I have been a total doofus when it comes to computer...I have now gotten a hang of simple stuffs such as blogging, Microsoft Word, MP3 Converting, etc...SIMPLE STUFFS...

But I have never had a deep love for computers, if you know what I mean...I would not mind using the computer, learning how to install and un-install some softwares...but when it comes to hardwares, I leave it to the experts, no matter how easy they can be...

But today, I had to explore the world of transferring a MIDI (Music) file into an external hardware (my piano keyboard)...and with much confidence, I took the External Hardware Manual, plopped down on my chair and started my quest...I mean, transferring files should be a piece of cake, since I've doing it with a 'guide', wouldn't it??

WRONG...

I swear...I read and re-read...and re-read every freaking instruction that the Manual had to give...I followed EVERY ORDER...from going to Control Panel-System....yadaa, yadaa, yadaa...to Music Download software installer...and yet, there is this irritating tiny balloon that pops out ever so often, telling me that "There was a problem during the hardware installation. Hardware may not be in working order."

Every time that balloon appears, my heart seems to wince in pain a bit..."Calm down", I told myself...I might just have overseen some instructions here and there...no problem...flip through manual again, from Page 1...

Rechecked the USB connection...check...Piano keyboard switch on...check...MIDI instructions on...CHECK...ok, that should be it...I'll try again...

"There was a problem during the hardware installation. Hardware may not be in working order."

I clicked REFRESH...hopefully whatever stupid thing that the computer could have missed...it will be detected...

"There was a problem during the hardware installation. Hardware may not be in working order."

I clicked the REFRESH button again like crazy...Not that it will do me any good...I know...but I honestly didn't know what to do then...and I was irritated...

Same results...

Screw it, I thought...we'll try out the software first...its probably not a big problem...I clicked into the software...Opened the file I wanted to transfer...and clicked SEND...

30 seconds passed...

A bigger balloon popped out : Transfer failed. Connection cannot be found. Please try another port.

I looked at my computer screen...there it shows that there were six different ports...Cool, no problem...I'm sure one of the stupid ports will be the right one...

I clicked Port 1 : Failed
Port 2 : Failed
Port 3 : Failed
Port 4 : Failed
Port 5 : Failed
Port 6 (last resort, and I must say, my heart was thumping hard, and I was unconsciously praying fervently...)

FAILED...

I am sure that I am wrong about this...but my eyes tell me that the 'failed' word, seems to get bigger and bolder every time it appears on my screen...

I'm usually not a quitter...but for now, I put up a white flag...I'm depressed...I've never handled so many rejections in such a short time before...track record...more than 20 'fails' in less than 30 seconds...

My Torture Chamber

For those who knows me well, I have certain hesitations and some strong views about many things. One of which is, I never liked the idea of facial, "face specialist"...so they call themselves...that threaten to poke my face black and blue...so I've always managed to keep a 10 feet distance away from them...and had no worries about the teasing and taunting I received about how "unlady-like" I was becoming...I wasn't much of a beauty obsessed person anyway...and another, is to keep my hair chemical free as much as possible....and I broke those two rules in less than 3 days....

It happened like this...it is the end of the semester and holidays just started...not that it has been a really a stressful semester...but insane semesters before, has really wreaked havoc with my complexion...not to forget hormonal imbalance and excessive food consumption, of course...usually, when my face feels like suffering some rough edges of a bumpy road, I would normally let nature take its course...but since I've got a little time to spare, I decided to give myself a little treat and give nature an extra push...

My mum, who swears by facials...never fails to attend one monthly...was ever so excited to hear about my intentions...

"My dear!!!...You're turning into a GIRL!!!"...

I went beserk...."()*_!&@#*($&#@%^*&@???!!!!!!"...

Who was I, then...for these 23 years and 13 months of existance??!!...An evolving Martian???!!....Straight away, she went to the telephone book and made the appointment for me, with HER beautician...I guess, she wasn't at all convinced that I was serious about the whole facial thingy...and decided to take action into her own hands before I could utter any word of protest...frankly speaking, by that time, my confidence was starting to wane...

I walked into the shop, slightly nervous and feeling alone...for RM10, I would have walked out of there...no questions asked...I sat down on the receptionist table, and filled in a form...turns out, that I've got to do a questionnaire, so that they could "better understand my face problem"...check out their atrocious Malaysian grammar...I observed a calender staring, just in front of me..."Relax, Revitalize and Detoxify"....*sigh*...I'm DEFINITELY in a facial shop...

The beautician studied my face...prodding here and there...

"Your skin not enough water-la"...

Sister, I think the term you're looking for is "DEHYDRATION"...man, she just made my skin sound like a water tank or something...and who isn't dehydrated anyway??...So, I don't drink enough water, big deal...can we move on???...

"Aiyo, very oily-la, your face"

Can someone get me a beautician who speaks English with PROPER GRAMMER???!!!

"Your nose very dry"....

I think she means that the skin on the tip of my nose is flaking...but didn't she just say that my skin looked dehydrated??...Honestly, I think she is starting to run out of things to criticize me about...

"You must do facial every two weeks...when last time you do facial?"

Now, let me see...I tone and moisturize weekly, but thats about it...but up till now, I only had ONE facial in my entire 22 years and 36 months...the one that my mum coaxed me to do eons and light-years ago...in an attempt to qualify for a free massage and aromatherapy session...and even that, I walked out after the "first step"...facial cleaning...and I never looked back...I just don't see the logic in paying someone to do something that I do every day and night!!! And that was erm....6 years ago??...if you count that as a facial...which obviously the beautician didn't...

She looked at me, as if I've committed the worst crime of the century...and immediately, I feel a clench of alarm...not saying a single word, she folded up her sleeves and started to work on me...after all, she has...what...about...24 years of dead skin to exfoliate...and she couldn't afford to waste time on small chats...

The cleansing part was a breeze...I didn't want to admit it, but her expert fingers running across my face...somewhat felt ticklish and nice...ah, its nice to be pampered sometimes...then came the extraction of blackheads...I whimpered and hollered through the whole session without a thought of keeping my mouth shut to save myself from embarrassment...

"Everybody also do it wan-la...its just for a while..."

First of all, her lack of concern for grammar was starting to get on my nerves...and secondly...I would actually see 30 seconds as "a while"...but 20 MINUTES???!!!!...with a zillion blackheads on my face???...and even that, I would regret to say...is an understatement...I hated myself for compromising...this was why I never signed up for facial...EVER...Those metal steel blackhead popper with a thin loop on one end...designed to make your life a pro-long misery...poking and pricking into your vulnerable face...those horrible unsightly blocked pores...whatever happened to using BIORE blackhead removal strips??...you know, those amazing little plaster-look-alikes??

Next session was moisturizing and massage...that completely took me to a reverse mode...as the poor beautician ( I guess its her first time facing an ignorant-eggheaded gal who hates facial ) struggled to massage a white sticky lotion on my face...around the cheeks...to the chin...neck...and the collar bones to the shoulders...I was struggling to stay still and not kick about...for this time, I was aware of the humiliation that stands before me...and desperately, I made an attempt not to wriggle...It all started with a giggle...then a compressed-sounding snort ...then the hulabalu awakes!!!...and I was roaring with laughter uncontrollably...to the point that I had to beg her to forgo the massage and just apply the goo...by now, I should make a note, that the beautician was clearly exasperated at my non-experience of this entire thing...

"You're very scare of tickle la"...

For once, I couldn't find the energy within myself to correct her grammar spams...I lie down quietly for the rest of the time, as she finished and send me off..without another chuckle...totally unlike the person I was, when I first started this session...I had a glimpse at the mirror...thanks to patches of red on my face...with all her pinching and squeezing, I wasn't that pretty a sight to look at...but never mind...I came out of that facial shop alive...and I survived...well, three quarter it, at least...and it will be a very, very, VERY long time before I step into that shop again...yes, my reputation has been stained...

And so has my mum's...and I don't know how my friends can claim that squeezing blackheads are addictive...